Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Heimlich]

Hope wife comes around, but if not I'll work it out. I'm starting to believe this more and more, and it's making me feel like a better person.

You got to this point a lot more quickly than I did. I'm starting to think that this point is really the key to turning things around.

Used to love watching my daughters go through the habitrail tubes at chuck-e-cheese. They should hand out ear plugs to parents though.

BD

[Willing NJ H]

Lots of good comments to catch up on, and it's real late. (Catch up tomorrow on my day off.) But disillusioned welcome, I'll catch up on your sitch as soon as I can. CVA - yea, I've got a ways to go to be where I want, but working out is wonderful for restoring confidence and just feeling good and the time with my D is priceless. Heim, I feel like I got to this point much quicker than I thought I would, but it's tough. A lot of what moved me along was listening to DBers like you guys. The hard thing is the constant fluctuations in my moods. One day, I feel like i'm doing great and will be ok as a single dad if I have to. The next day, I feel like crap and worry about the OM stich and how bad it will be having to put my D through a divorce and a life with split parents. I'm doing better at thinking positive, but it's still hard to control the bad days; that's where you guys come in! Talk to ya tomorrow, time for bed.

[imLIN]

Willing...

I have been following your postings and have to say you are doing much better then I did...

The hardest thing is patience and time...but soon you learn patience is the best thing you can develop...not just for your R/M but for all R's you will have with your kid(s), friends, work, etc...

And TIME...believe it or not it is your friend...I know how hard it is because my H was gone for about a year and a half...he gave me NO hope...would NOT read anything...would NOT even consider giving us another chance...but in TIME his heart did soften...combined with the new and improved ME he did look back...of course it wasn't an obvious "Hey W, I messed up, maybe we could try and work this out."...I still had to watch actions and not listen so much to words...

In TIME I too got to the point where I knew I would be okay on my own and as a single parent...never what I wanted as we had raised 2 D's but still had a young S...I had never supported myself on my own because I went from single at home to married with H...I was scared to death...but once I started actually doing it...and we were surviving on our own...and I was finding my OWN happiness things just seemed to feel better and I knew no matter what I was going to be okay...and I was going to get my kids through this...

On GAL...no matter what you have to KEEP that for yourself...even if you reconcile don't give yourself up for the R/M...make sure you continue to do things for YOU...for your KID(s)...for your FAMILY...and for your W...this keeps things balanced...I didn't realize how unbalanced in my R/M I had become...I was doing so much more for H then anyone...I was doing for my kids and my family...but along the way I really lost ME...now that I have ME back I make sure that I do things for "her"...because if I lose ME...I risk losing it all again...

I do see a lot of positives in your situation...hang in there...TIME is on your side...take care....Lin

[Willing NJ H]

Lin, I don't know what to say. Thank you very much! Hearing from someone with your experience means a lot, especially since i've been doubting myself and my sitch lately. I've been trying to keep strong, but the W had me very beaten down about the outcome of our M with her apparent confidence in our doom. You've given me great motivaton, and renewed my outlook that I do have a chance. I'll post more later, but thanks so much. Another late night, just checking in. Good night.

[Kelley]

Lin and Will,
It is great to hear what you have to say as it does give some comfort. I know I have to look at my sitch and realize tha the goal right now is not to get back with H in our life but as friends but my head is just not getting that thru to my heart.

I definitely need to go get some professional help and put on drugs right now because I am having way too many bad thoughts in my head and crying way too much. Last week I was told that I have bags under my eyes and dark circles which isn't really attractive at all.

It is just so hard to deal when I keep getting information about him on how happy he is now. That's real nice considering he doesn't have his kids in his life. I know he is seeing the OW alot more often these days but I have heard that she is no real prize at all but she has the only thing he wants. Big boobs and sex. I hope that she grows tired of him because I will soon be out of our house and he will be moving back in. Once that happens, he MUST take our kids every other weekend because he is their father, they NEED him in their life and he MUST step up to the plate and start taking this responsibility. Let's see how much she wants to stay with him when he is unavailable every other weekend. She sounds like she is a real party animal too which is the other thing that my H really cares about in his life, just leading the party life. A friend of ours met her and her friend and her friend is just as much as a loser. She has a boyfriend and a husband.

(Sorry didn't mean to go on so much about me but I really needed to vent.)

[Willing NJ H]

Kelley, Sorry to hear how you feel but honestly, I feel the same. The difference is, I come on here and take every bit of advice to heart. I'm reading DB and DR, and talking to DBers like SOFAR, NOMO, Lin, Gina, etc. and living what they tel me. It makes it easier, not Easy! I know your pain, I can see how selfish my W is being, I see how she's throwing away our M like it's disposable, I see how she's acting like a single and stuck-up teenager by going out with her single friends, I see how she's know spending less time with our D, I see how shes looking for a fairy tale romance that is full of bliss every day forever without hard work, and I feel the pain of another man in her life and not knowing what shes doind when she's not with me. THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO, AND THERE'S NOTHING POSITIVE I CAN TAKE FROM DROWING IN MY MISERY THOUGH. That's what I learn from these guys, it's making me cope. I felt like crap all day today, and she did / said a few things that made me not like her much and made me want to cry... I got over it. It hurts, it will always hurt, but it's getting easier. I know it will be a fresh wound if we divorce and sell the house, but my main concern now is actually for my D and not me. I want my wife, but I am prepared to let her go. I am not prepared to have my D grow up with divorced parents as I did, and quite honestly, think i'll always resent her for that (if we don't fix things.) I'm doing what I can and hoping for the best. In the mean time, i'm spending every day with my D, and it's the best thing in the world. I actually think my W is getting a little jealous/heart broken that my D wants me all of the time and not her. I don't want that, and know shes a good mom, but her new methods of finding herself is showing me a person I don't like much and is putting distance between her and D (and I don't think she really even sees all of it!) Keep your head up Kelley, do this for you and the kids... you CAN do it!

As for me, today hurt. W decided to go with me on a fun day with D. My nephew ended up with us because my sister was in the hospital (she's ok now), and my plans got altered a bit because W didn't help me with much. All in all, good day with the kids, but wish W didn't come. She played her MP3 player, and a few country songs came on about a woman leaving for a new man that she loved and the original love letting her go without wanting to. Then told me that she's going out for yet another girls night out on wed (to a concert) with her single friend from work (friends with the no shirt OM from the picture!) It hurt because it's her only day off for the next several days, and she just told me how she felt wrong and immature for partying like a teenager and that she was going to stop. I don't know what to think, so after the initial hurt I just put it out of my head and stopped thinking. Feels like crap, I am up and down with my outlook as to our future (like a see-saw), but i'm dangling by the thread still. Well time for bed, thats my f'ed up day... talk to everyone tomorrow. I have a lot of catching up to do on everyone's threads, and intend to do so soon. Later.

[imLIN]

Kelley and Willing...

Boy I so remember those days...I can relate to the songs on the radio making want to burst into tears...you don't realize how many songs there are about broken up R's until you are in the quick sand of it all...I had to quit watching the news and reading the paper because it was too depressing...I quit listening to much music because it made me sad...

I know the "feel like crap" feelings too...my H would disappear without a trace for months at a time...for our young S9 (at the time) this was so very hard...he even told me that he pretended he didn't have a dad...or would try and forget him...how sad is that???

For what it is worth, where you are now is just so rotten...but as Willing pointed out...it does get easier...and sometimes...yes, it does happen because I am proof...our mates return...they gain themselves and actually return to someone we can like and love again...it is so hard to believe when you see what they are doing now...but I can tell you stories about H that would curl a bald mans hair...yet after almost 2 years (I know that is a sucky long time) he came home...and we are doing so much better now...he has been back for about 18 months now...it hasn't all been romance and roses either...there were times I thought I was insane to have let him come home...but we worked through it...and I can honestly tell him morning and night that I love him...and he can tell me the same...although it took him about a year before he could say the words...

Just keep focused on you and the kids...you will be better parents and better people when you get through this...regardless of where your S's stand at the end...

Take care...Lin

[Heimlich]

Thanks, Lin. I've read a bit of your sitch and enjoy your advice for everyone. If you can hold out for 2 years, I can be patient for at least a few months.

Willing, Hang in there. As you've noted, it does get easier one day at a time.

BD

[789]

LIN, I know I don't pop in often to where you post, and even though I can act like a blooming idiot at times on my thread. I must tell you I check out all your posts every day when I get home from work, and even if it is the same story a lot of the time to different people who come here, I must tell you it gives me inspiration and hope every time I read them. So I justed wanted to say thanks for your posting thru-out this site.

[dlt1]

Hey Willing, I Hope things look a bit better after you step back. You've been giving her space, and that is very important. Sounds like you really kept your cool, be sure to blow off those emotions someplace though. Your focus on your R with D will keep you sane. I;m hoping better times are right around the corner for you. Hopefully a really small corner, but keep the patience!