Thank all of you for your posts. You've been tremendously helpful !!! I'm starting to feel really disgusted now as I realize more and more how awfully this woman (my wife) has treated me. And our children. All the deceit, all the lies, all the omission, the attitude, the disrespect, disdain, contempt, lack of empathy etc. It's really starting to gross me the f**ck out. I'm starting to understand what you mean by her still "Wayward Wife" mentality. Her addiction. I think I'm understanding that if it's not an affair, it's alcohol, or drugs, whatever. Or all. We had passion twice since this mess. Both times after I performed at a club, she was drunk, it was secretive. Kinda like an affair. I've been f**cking played. I want to puke. This f**cking sux. Thanks again.
Hey, we are here to listen, and I think we all really understand how you feel. Just try and find a way to detach, emotionally, from her drama, and move on with your own life, and take care of your kids. Can't control W, but you can control your own life, and influence the children's lives.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'm having a day here. This is a rant/pity party/ambivalence. You are forewarned. Talked to a mutual friend of WS and I about my sitch. I kinda get bothered when I feel that people don't seem to sense the gravity of what has happened. I feel that they make excuses when they say things like "You were growing apart", "You will be better apart", etc. Those things don't make me feel good. It feels like that they don't hold the WS accountable for what has happened. I kinda would think a friend would take a 2x4 upside a WS's head. Maybe not. Ambivalence And after reading so much and so much counseling such statements kinda sound deluded, as not to "condemn" someone, to let bygones be bygones. This sounds very non-solutions oriented, very unMB, etc. That attitude seems to me, I feel, to be "unhealthy". It really bothers me. This has been the most unbelievably terrible thing I've ever lived thru. To have it trivialized like that, in my opinion, seems to be just as foggy as the WS fog. But, sometimes it makes since. But I feel it only makes sense if you negate things like, nobility, love, faithfulness, accountability, responsibility, honor, integrity, and so on and so on. All the things we're to aspire too. Why can't I just except that attitude? To be, what I understand to be, in a "Fog".
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Talked to the counselor today. I really needed that. It's the roller coaster thing. I guess I just feel very violated after this betrayal, D and so many years with this woman. Am I wrong to feel that? Am I the one that has been the f**ckup thru out this? When I DB, MB etc. I don't feel like the f**ckup. But hearing from the "world" sometimes, or my wife, I do. Maybe it's the mind games that they play? My WS nonchalant attitude just f**cking kills me. I'm feeling pretty shitty about this right now. Just a dip in the old roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the right things, and sometime I don't. (But mostly I do ). Tomorrow will be another day. Thoughts? Thanks guys and gals.
1. Wife's family sound like a real mess. Jerry Springer material. Sounds like she's cut from the same cloth.
2. Could you manage complete custody of the kids? If so, take it. If not, talk to your wife again about how you both you talk to the kids. If she plays hard-ball, tell them you have kept her affair from them, the least she can do is be civil when talking about you.
3. Why are you divorcing your wife? Because she had an affair? Because you are "fed-up" with her antics? Is she an unfit mother? Be clear. Which is it?
4. Why are you on these boards: to save your marriage or get affirmation that your divorce was justified?
5. It's not wrong for you to own up to your faults. You contributed to this, too. Confession is good. Yes, you failed your wife as she has failed you.
6. I think you need to live a stable, honorable life that is filled with joy and adventure: for yourself and your kids. Maybe that will stimulate your wife to change. Ranting about how screwed up she is will not help you live a sane, healthy life. Bitterness will kill you.
7. How long before the divorce is final? 3, 6, 12 months?
8. If the divorce is some way off, then I suggest you actually detach and get a life and see what happens. Stop caring so much or ruminating so much over what she "did" to you. You can always change your mind IF she shows remorse over the affair and makes serious moves towards dealing with her issues.
9. Go ahead, be the man God calls you to be. Strong, fit, confident, joyful, courageous. Let God take care of the results.
2. I'm thinking joint custody, visitation for her. I've only said "Mom has done some things that she shouldn't have done". Counselor helped me with the wording.
3. I'm divorcing my wife: I'm fed up with how I've been treated, for sure. A is a minor issue. It's "Owning her sh**t" that is the real problem.
Still secretive. Said ILYBNILWY again. Why can't we just be friends? I got the feeling in May '07 that she might be in another A Very little to no empathy after A and long drawn out denial. Refusal to go and or participate in MC or IC, etc.
4. Both. Ultimate goal would be to save marriage. Second goal to move on.
5. I own my part and am truly sorry for the damage I've caused.
6. The ranting makes me nervous. I've only ranted online. Or with counselor. I'm not very comfortable doing that. It's a release of sorts. My counselor has read my posts and wants me to ease up and focus thoughts elsewhere too.
7. November.
8. The detaching. Yes. I'm very interested on those thoughts. Roller-coaster is really easing with NC but I still feel it enough.
9. That part has been the OK part. It's the loss of my wife and it's effect that still needs work. God is good to me. I'm very blessed everywhere in my life but for my marriage.
Theo, I just read your post again. You are the wise man others have said !!! Man of faith also? Your counsel is than more sought after. I'm looking forward to your reply. Thanks.
I'm gonna try this here journaling idea that I learned from Yoyo.
I've talked alot about my counselor. So I'll admit it, I am a Christian. God has been kicking my butt with this counselor. My marriage nitemare led to the counselor which is leading me back to the fold. I was never a bad kid or adult. Goody Two Shoes. Even though I can tear it up in music with the best of'em. Never strayed. Don't lie cheat or steal. A good guy.
My counselor has opened my eyes a lot to what the Good Word really means. I hadn't realized how much of what I had looked for elsewhere was there.
A friend and her son started counseling with him after me. She and I talked of how God works in strange ways: I met counselor at YMCA. He taught me some Olympic Lifts. Became friends. My marriage went south. I hooked up with him again as I'd left the Y shortly after my teaching career started. My friend liked what I said about his counsel. Her son worked with my wife. I met my friend when I brought my wife flowers one day at work last Jul '06. She had kept asking me, that day, if I thought the flowers were too late. That's how and when we became friends. And I figured out she knew about my situation (and others who frequented the restaurant wife worked at had figured out something was up). Her son also went to the school I taught at but never had him as a student, but his band played at DD 7th Bday party in roller rink (that was cool). So he and I became friends. So she friend and I noticed all these connections. Not a coincidence. Had to be hand of guy upstairs. Just too weird to be true.
I'm a rockandrollin' man but believe it or not a good-guy. Behaved. etc. And I've worked with some of the biggest and craziest in the business.
Theo, your words were what I needed to hear today. I often need to hear things like what you and Yoyo have said to me. You help me to get re-grounded when I start to get wigged out feeling.
More churchy stuff. The last part of yesterdays sermon hit me right between the eyes. First was a short film about how God has a plan for you. Part of it was a divorce scene. Ouch. I started tearing up. I really though I was going to lose it. Next a song someone sang. Same ideas. Hit me again. I thought I was gonna lose it. I'd hoped my counselor would be at that service but he wasn't. Still haven't got to tell him about that. A buddy was sitting next to me. Thought for sure he'd seen me about lose it.
The church thing has helped me a lot. Every-time I go (started a couple months ago with counselors encouragement) I leave with a powerful lesson.
I'm divorcing my wife: I'm fed up with how I've been treated, for sure. A is a minor issue. It's "Owning her sh**t" that is the real problem.
I'll cut to the chase. There are only two grounds for divorce: adultery and the abandonment of the unbelieving spouse.
Be clear if you are man of faith. Being fed up with her not owning her sh*t is not a biblical ground. Think about it. Maybe you didn't own your sh*t for most of the marriage and became less than the man you should have been -- we all have. That doesn't justify a divorce.
Quote:
I was never a bad kid or adult. Goody Two Shoes. Even though I can tear it up in music with the best of'em. Never strayed. Don't lie cheat or steal. A good guy.
Well, bro. Let's get back to the Gospel: it's not about keeping your nose clean or being MR. Goody two shoes. It's about radical transformation. It's about the dead coming to life. It begins with the horrific realization that we are all wicked, awful, contemptible sinners. If God were just, we would ALL be toast. Instead he's merciful and gracious. He sent his Son to live a perfect life FOR US and take the punishment for FOR US. When we believe, a great exchange takes place, our sins fall upon Jesus and Jesus's righteousness falls upon us. WHAT a DEAL!!! But you see, after there, there is no boasting or self-righteousness, the Cross puts to death any notions that we are "good". We are humbled and can face other people's horrible actions with great mercy because we have been forgiven and accepted in the Son. We are transformed. We were dead and now we live. We were lost and now we're found. If we were good, we wouldn't need a Savior, would we? Jesus is not a cosmic Tony Robbins. He's not here to polish up our character and offer a few minor improvements to our "nice" and "moral" life. He's here to wash us and make us clean. He's here to blow new life into our tired bones. He's here to start a revolution. He's here to make us act counter-intuitively. He's here to make us dangerous.
What I say to you I say to myself. We all need to be reminded of this. Focus more on what Jesus did for you, and you'll end up being able on focus less on what your wife did to you.
In fact there'a a parable about that. A man owed someone a fortune, and he begged for mercy -- his creditor forgave him the whole debt. This man who had just been forgive a huge debt went to someone who owed him a tiny amount of money. The man who owed very little begged for mercy, but the guy refused to forgive him the debt and threw him in prison. We are often like that. We have been forgiven so much, but we are so short on mercy to others.
