Newcomer in Pain

[GainingStrength]

J - Thanks so much for the encouragement! I really need it now, because all four of us just got back from the grandmother's funeral today. The W was ok but distant and made sure the first thing she said to the kids as we drove off this morning was: "We're going together today because it's Nana's funeral. But I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Daddy and I are not getting back together." Charming. Still, I got through the funeral with her family and kept my cool. I was not needy or angry and I kept a PMA throughout. Also, two of her uncles and her brother talked to me privately and expressed their sympathy and support. Good guys.

This, of course, is right after W's romantic weekend with OM. I figure the intensity of the A will peak this month, but who knows after that. Still need to focus on GAL.

While W was getting it on with OM, I took the kids for a weekend in San Diego and Seaworld. We had a great time together. I'm getting to know them even better as people and I really like being with them. They love me a lot also. My 8-year old D, who loves horses, kept head-nudging me like ponies do and giving me love bites. My S just likes to hang out with me.

At her request, I agreed to let W take the kids to her parents next Saturday (because she was feeling left out) in place of me, but my son protested that he wanted "dad to take us". She then reluctantly agreed and will instead take Friday off to be with the kids. She's also taking them to California Adventure Wednesday, no doubt to meet up with OM again.

I guess she's trying to compete with me. With her strong maternal drive, motherhood is her Achille's heel.

Anyway, tomorrow is our second meeting with the divorce mediator. After that, I go semi-dark. No e-mails other than those to arrange schedules and take care of kids stuff. Whether this is a last-resort technique or not, I need to do it to keep my PMA and mitigate the pain.

I made some other notes to myself in my journal. Any feedback is welcome:

- Grab the initiative, e.g. in making schedules every weekend and initiating plans with the kids.
- Be assertive. Be cooperative, but don't take any sh**. Always establish limits calmly though, and without anger.
- Regard W as a single person with a separate life whom I cooperate with as a co-parent.
- Do the minimum to maintain the house unless it's for the kids or if she makes a specific request.
- Don't tell her who your friends are or what you're doing with your time.
- Let go of all expectations. Expect no kindness or positive feedback. Remember, her Taker side is in charge of her.

Thanks for listening.

L