Lil: interesting you should say that. She just called and asked me when it was that I was planning to go to Tucson. I told her. She said, "o-kay" and, well the NG in me detected that "o-kay" can be translated to "wrong answer. You were supposed to say, 'I'm not going anymore.'" But, as Corri noted, This is only going to be a big deal if you continue to treat it like it's a big deal. Stop.
It occurs to me that you might start looking at the finances more often, possibly weekly at least, and also possibly questioning things-- not questioning her judgment, but asking about stuff. It's a way of becoming more of a partner financially.
This is a good idea, too. Do NG men tend to be man-child types (as Haphazard described on Cemar's thread) who are attracted to mother figures?
You know what is very weird, the way we can make it seem like our partners are doing something they aren't because that is how we want them to be. When my DD was about 6 months or so H had a bit of an outburst and insisted that he be allowed out to play 1 night a week to go to the scuba club. I was a bit upset as the kids were very much a handful at the time and tricky to get both of them down to sleep single-handed but recognised he was at the end of his tether so let him. Further down the line he also insisted he would go on trips with the club. Again I recognised he needed his space and let him go. I even put up with snide remarks from other wives when we would be invited to weekend dos and he would not be there. Thinking well if you want to be that controlling wife you go ahead girl and see where it gets you. A couple of years ago we all went on one of the dive trips together. I have also been to a few social events that the dive club organises as well as a couple of weddings of people at the club.
Now five years down the line H tells me I have always resented him going! There is absolutely nothing I have done (or even felt deep down) which signalled any kind of resentment about it. I simply don't resent it, I think it is great that he has a GAL activity. So why does he paint me in this light? There is some purpose for him that it serves.
I am sure HD that there is a purpose for MsHD in painting you selfish.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Dude, you really bought the tickets! Holy smokes!!
Way to go. I'm sure it makes your heart pound to think of the minefield you have to walk thru between now and then but you can do it. Simply tell her that you need your time to yourself just as much as anyone does, regardless of the fact that you have kids from a previous marriage and are a recovering financial dunce. And leave it at that. Stuff like this just makes her nervous because it triggers all sorts of abandonment fears that her dad set off, so try to keep that in mind and retain your empathy.
Btw, are you roasting today or what? (those cheeks are red due to the heat and humidity, of course)
My answer is: surely he will recognize this and love me/approve of me/validate me. Which is what I always wanted from my mother. Sick, isn't it?
I don't know that I have ever run across someone who does not think this way, at least to some level. I think the so-called "healthy" individual is the anomaly and people like you describe yourself to be are more the norm. So, I would say it is not sick, but actually normal....unhealthy, but normal.
Lil: interesting you should say that. She just called and asked me when it was that I was planning to go to Tucson.
She's probably scheduling something right now... surgery, major dental work for one of the kids, having the house painted or tented for termites, SOMETHING... but she won't tell you about it until two days before you're ready to go.
I suggest you buy NON-REFUNDABLE plane tickets ASAP.
Do NG men tend to be man-child types (as Haphazard described on Cemar's thread) who are attracted to mother figures?
I think there are definitely NGs like this. I also think there are NGs who are not attached to their mother, but rather are in fear of their mother and become NGs to make peace and avoid getting yelled at. The book mentions that NGs can either be passive enmeshers (which I take to be pursuers) or active avoiders.
BTW, I thought the book should have been written about nice people, not just men. I saw a lot of discussion that seem to described my wife, not just me.
Maybe HD should buy non-refundable tickets, but I think that is a rather passive aggressive stance to take. The better, stronger response would be to just confront her in a calm manner and tell her he planned this long ago and that he is going. End of story. That gives credibility to his determination and his boundary.
Saying that he won't fall for whatever excuse she throws at him because he has non-refundable tickets is really hiding from that confrontation and I think it leaves the door open for her to challenge him again.
(those cheeks are red due to the heat and humidity, of course)