will I ever feel good in this r?? will I ever feel confident that h isn't going to leave? will h tell me he loves me? will h ask me to put my ring back on? will h be happy? is h happy? will I ever be able to walk up to my h and give him a big hug when he walks in the door? (right now I am afraid to I wait for him...I don't ignore him and am not cold..just indifferent...I hide behind the kids..even when he leaves in the am I don't go to kiss him good bye...when the kids go to the door to kiss him I stand back until he looks for me or asks for me) I don't like it this way... I don't like feeling that I can't just call my h during the day to say hey wsup?? having to hide behind son calling him... I don't like all the uncertainty... I don't like the indifference I am often met with.. I don't like acting indifferent when I am not.
I don't know how long I can keep up this stuff...I feel like I am just waiting for something...and fear it will never come and I will be left with an empty life...not empty of "family"..or a life of my own...but a rather empty r...
at night now I find myself getting in bed and wishing I were in it alone... I did after all spend a year in it alone...before h left at the end of my pregnancy he stayed on the couch (supposedly to give me more room, whatever) and then after she was born stayed on the couch because his sleep was being disturbed (ya again whatever) then left for 6+ months...so honestly I sleep better when he's not there.
I am swaying again aren't I...
I just get tired of waiting for something and I don't even know what I'm waiting for.
a hug a smile a kiss an invitation a response neg or possitive either will do something???
LL kreeping back into waw mode once again as the snow melts..
