It's going to be a bumpy ride

[NikB]

Wow, thanks for catching up on me - you are quite ambitious to work your way through that many threads!

Glad the night went ok. I'm sorry it was so hard but it sounds like you did really well. Yeah, I think all of our self esteems get pretty beat up during all of this. Definitely work on that, feeling confident again will be huge for you.

SO glad you are redoing your bedroom. That was one of the first things I did, too. Totally redecorated it, spread my stuff out in the closet - made it MY space. I love the idea of putting the pillows right there in the middle, too.

I know you keep hoping he'll change his mind, but if he changed his mind and came back today, neither of you would be ready. You need some time to stand on your own and get strong (you both do) before you're ready to come together and work on this.

As for how I'd have made him work harder - a few things I wish I had done:

- Said no sometimes when he wanted to spend the night. Not all the time - but on the nights where it was just a "convenience" thing (i.e. he had a dentist appt right up the road in the morning so it'd be closer for him to stay w/me). Only let him stay on the nights when he was being really sweet, treating me well (basically pursuing me), to reinforce that. And maybe even not always those nights... make him pursue a little harder, even.

- Said no sometimes when he asked me out to do something. There were times I had planned to go to meetup.com things and cancelled those in favor of doing something with H. Being that it's meetup it's not like I let friends down - it was all people I'd be meeting for the first time - but I still should have stuck with my original plans.

- Gone darker. I did ok for a few weeks, and I can even remember a couple of times where days would go by and I DIDN'T have the urge to call. But I wish I had stuck with that longer, allowed it to sink in more (for both of us).

- Calmly but directly discussed the "moving in" - not so much during the limbo phase, but when he asked if he could officially move back. I should have had a very clear discussion about what my boundaries were, what expectations we both had and "rules" for each of us would be if he came back.

- Stay detached. I was so happy he was around so much and seemed to be coming home, that I jumped too far into the R. For every baby step he took towards me, I took a giant step towards him.

- Make sure he was fully committed to working on our M before letting him move back. Even if he'd said that I know there might be some "waffling" back and forth but I should have gotten a firm commitment.

- Set up MC and discuss it together, with her, before we made the decision.

Hope that helps some.

Make some plans for tonight so you're not in the house alone for too long, ok? Even if it's just getting your nails done or reading a book in a coffee house or something, get out and do something for yourself. Maybe shop for some new decor for part of the house??