I think setting up a allowance and I am trying to think of better term for that is a good idea. The first 2 moveouts my H and I maintained the checking account. He emailed me every few days what checks he wrote. I also had it on line so I could see what was going on. My H was guilty and really didn't spend that much then. Maybe you could do that, have him email or voice mail the amount if you are going to maintain a joint account. I know that you do not want to seem like you are controling him or have him ask for money. I also would if you can try and have some cash of your own he does not really know about in reserve. Not for a divorce, but just in case or an emergency. You can never have too much money.
The only thing I would say about selling your house is that you may lose money as you have not been there long enough to recoop the realtor fees, etc. It depends how much if any equity you have in it and how things are selling in your area. I really think he is going to come back! You may just want to give it a few months and see how things are going. I would hate for you to sell it and then have to move, rent etc. You will lose on the listing fees alone. Sometimes it is better to do nothing. He is not talking D and you are in counseling. If his sessions run out and he has to go to authority you may be able to go together on your account. That is what we did for awhile, I went alone and then we went as a couple under my H's name and account. Same insurance, we just are allowed 60 visits each a year. I will lose my insurance in all this also if it goes thru. One thing at a time.
Don't worry about the divorce stuff because I don't think it is going to happen. If someone files jointly all that happens is that one party does not have to be served. You both sign the petition. In this state you can mail the papers to another party. They agreed to . I also think there a few rules for the military but it might be if someone is on active duty.
My H could never quite say divorce for a long time. I heard the we should have never been married, he should be alone. I have heard over the years he is unhappy and no one can fix it. I have heard it all. I would suggest you do not mention divorce to him unless he brings it up. I often said in counseling that there was nothing here between us that could not be fixed on both our parts and I did not want a divorce. I know that DR says you should not beg or plead but I thought making it clear at least once, but not too often in counseling is a good thing. I sometimes would say, what are you so angry about,you are the one that wants this. The thing that is going on is that they see themselves as flawed and full of self doubt. They can not figure out why they are unhappy and think that if they are alone they will figure it out. Hopefully they will figure out that we are not the ones that are making them unhappy.
On my side, I called H last night and said I was wondering if you put a deposit in my account as I paid the mortgage etc. He was paid yesterday. He said he was going to do this am. I said you know I think I want you sign the settlement agreement ( just a typewritten thing he has been submitting and changing and resubmitting and changing)He got a bit angry and said, YOU keep changing your mind, you can't do that! I did not say this, but I can do whatever I want! I tried not to argue with him but is so damm mad! Therapist said sign it as he will keep his word on it. He is telling me that he has to find a lawyer to do pro se and he does not want to move forward with out one. I said we don't need a lawyer to file as it is a simple piece of paperwork. I said let us set a date to file. He keeps threatening me with things like if you don't do this the way I want then I will hire a lawyer and the pro se thing is off.
This am he calls and says he is going to be out here ( 25 miles from downtown one way) and he will bring the agreement for me to sign and he added the things he forgot and will I sign it or look it over and then send it to him. He actually had a self addressed stamped envelope with him! When I wrote this I realize he may be trying to placate me because lately I have been threatening to file by myself.
I look the agreement over and sign it. It is not legal and binding but he does not know this. T says this will give him less to agrue with you and he can just sit back and figure out what is making him so angry. He might miss me, but I have my doubts about that! He was defensive. I just looked it over and signed it and gave it back to him pronto. I then said well lets set a date for filing. I need an attorney he goes! My one girlfriend said last night I bet he is in a panic trying to figure out what he left out of that agreement that you are so eager to sign it.
Then he starts his angry what did the insurance inspector say about the dead trees and cutting 2 down and starts his angry BS. WHICH TREES he yells, now that has changed too! I said the inspector left me a voice mail. I said I have no control over what he told me. I said give me chance to tell you what is going on. He is well did you get any paperwork on this yet. I bought all new homeowners insurance last month with no imput from him as he didn't want to be involved, got same coverage for a half of what we were paying and a 25% discount on the autos too. He was thanking via email last week for my work on it. I told him not one thing about the home side of it. Now I am incompetent! He gets mad and says I'm leaving, GOODBYE in a sign song nasty voice. I said I will email you later, I want to set up a date to file and I said or maybe I should go and do it alone! He had a smirk on his face. All I had to see was his nasty angry cut me off conversation and I was done. My therapist has said for a long time that this is going to be my call. He used to say the chances of H divorcing me are small, the chances of me doing are much higher. Maybe I am driving the train.
Not sure how we can exchange email address. Let me know!
Well, I brought up the "allowance" although I didn't say that word. I told him that it might give him more freedom with the money and it would make me stop obsessing about it. I told him that he shouldn't have to ask me for money, and if we each had our own money he wouldn't have to. I was really doing this for me too because I am obsessing about it and I also feel like he is getting all this extra money and I am having to scrounge. Well, he didn't go for it. He said that he didn't mind telling me when he spends money and he would listen to me if I tell him he shouldn't get something because I know more about it than he does. Oh well, I guess I will just try and see how it goes. The thing that I have done is gone and taken out the same amount of cash for myself that he has spent on things like eating out and drinking.
Yeah, I already know that we wouldn't recoup the realtor fees. I think we would try to sell it ourselves first. The thing is that now that he is getting out of the Air Force there is no reason for either one of us to be here in January. That was always the plan, even before this started. Neither one of us are happy here. That's the reason I am leaning towards selling.
He knows that I do not want a D. He has never said that I am making him unhappy, he has just said marriage itself. He says he needs his freedom and some time to sort things out. I am trying to just keep my distance. When I talked to him yesterday he asked if I was ok. I just said yes, I'm fine. Two weeks ago I would have probably started crying and begging and pleading. So I think I am doing better.
Your friend may be right Terey, he probably is wondering what if left out if you are so eager to sign! I wonder if you bringing up the settlement and D is what is making him so angry. How long were you sep before? Was there talk of D then?
I tried to send you one and it says this user is over their private message limit! I find that hard to believe as we have so few posts and I have never even used that before!
You are doing well. No crying pleading or begging is a good step. I would continue to take money to match whatever he does. You might want to take more in small amounts, fake some expenses. The only reason I would not pursue selling the house is that then it might be easier for him to stay where you are, and then you would have miles in distance between you and that would make it harder. You have to figure out what the chances are you would both move back home together. Talk to the therapist about this. I tell you if he wants to handle the money together I bet he is not going to do this. He is not acting like someone who is divorcing. Keep doing what you are doing!
On my end is was a long weekend. H is really angry as I told him he could pay the 41.5% penalty on the money he took out of the 401k out of his half to pay for his divorce! We are giving 10,000 to the goverment. There is something wrong with him...he claims he was "forced"to withdraw it as I would not sign a 401k loan, or a home equity loan. The wording was since I forced him to do it! That I keep changing my mind, I have never changed my mind, I consistently said NO to all money borrowing and I said I did not want divorce. He sends me these threatening emails that if I change my mind the Pro Se thing is off and he is getting an attorney and he may change the settlement offer and he is telling this lawyer he may get that he will not do any negotiating, only represent me in court and fill out the necessary paperwork. Huh? He has said this before. He is telling me that I have to do what he says in all of this. He thinks somehow that if I get an attorney and want to change anything he can just do what he does to me in life, no talk, just the way he wants it. It is ok for him to change things, not me. He is trying to leverage me just as he tried with the loans. He thinks negotiating is, I do what he wants and he gives me something I am going to get anyhow! Too much.
He moved out first time in dec03/jan04 for 6 weeks, Spring 05 for 10 weeks and I think this time it is 13 weeks as of now. The first time my therapist told him to do it, other time he did in anger. He has for years every time something goes wrong says that's it I want a divorce or I'm moving out. I used cry, plead etc. The last few years in therapy I say let me help you pack, get out. This has never gone this far. I do want him back, but Sat his nasty anger was here when I was in our yard looking at trees insurance inspector wants cut. He has no respect for me, trying to control me. Guess the meds are not helping him either.
This helps to write it out knowing someone is at least reading it. I had some weepy moments over the weekend. He has let this place go and it is overwhelming. I am the one who has to sell!
It said the same thing when I tried to send the PM!
The only thing about taking the money to match is that I don't know how long I can afford to do that. The therapist thinks that maybe we should sell..."prepare for the worst". I am pretty convinced at the moment that he is going to go through with it. It is just so strange to be so nervous when I am calling him. I had asked him on Friday if he wanted to go out to eat with me before I leave and he said sure. I told him to just let me know when. The weekend went by and nothing. So today I decided to text him and I said: "Would you want to go eat sometime before I leave?"..he responded: "It would have to be tomorrow, I have a softball game tonight"...ok so I responded: "Can you do supper tomorrow night?"...he responded: "I got playoffs tomorrow night."....WHAT???? Didn't he just say TOMORROW!!! I am going crazy. I can't take this constant rejection. I just don't understand how he can let me leave on a plane and not even tell me bye...and not even offer me a ride (he knows I don't know anyone here). He just doesn't even seem like that same person. How does someone change so quick? Two months ago I would have bet my life that nothing like this would be going on. I just feel sick to my stomach.
Anyway, just another bad day. I don't know how long I can take this. How long am I supposed to wait? How can I be ok with just letting him do god knows what while I sit here and wait?
Terey I am sorry that he is getting so angry with you. I know that it helps to vent. I am just sorry that I can't give any advice...I am not in any position to at the moment. When he came back the other times did things go back to "normal"? I am just wondering if we ever could go back and be able to have a normal conversation. I am just so uncomfortable around him now.
Just a quick note on the PM feature - for whatever reason, it doesn't work on this site. It's there for moderators only, but the rest of us can't use it. I asked on the tech board awhile back.
What a lot of people do I think is set up a free email account somewhere, separate from your normal one, and you can then post that address here. I did that and actually have been surprised, I don't get any spam there.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
You are doing well. This is the constant roller coaster thing. He gets close to you and then pulls back. I can not tell you how many times I see that on here about being nervous around them. I feel the same way and I have been with him a lifetime! They seem like alien strangers. Because they are. The hardest thing is patience. I always want things fixed right now, right away.
Try and focus on what is going right and repeat that. You are going to counseling together. That is a positive. He is not talking about divorce. That is another positive. Try and not let him see that you are upset about the dinner out. He wants to play baseball, no matter how stupid it seems to us. Could you call him instead of texting, and nicely ask him if he would be willing to take you to the airport? Tell him that it would help money wise, not leaving the car etc? Forget dinner. The only problem is that he will have to pick you up and that might be what is going on. Too emotional for him. If he says no, just be cheerful and say well thanks anyhow. Really hard. But you can do this. I have been sick to my stomach so often. I am not a nervous person, outgoing and fun and now I know what chronic anxiety is. I have never taken any meds and I am thinking that over.
Just hang in there. It seems long but believe me it is not. Do not get impatient and lose sight of the big picture. I am trying to do the same.
My H calls here last night all excited he wants to have his company send me all the info on health insurance. He sent it to me email and no way can I afford Cobra at 428.00 a month. He wants to send some info on other options. HR is helping him, great, all those women in there helping him. My H is the boyish type women like to help, good looking, slim and well dressed, younger looking than his age. Too bad they really can't see the angry side, the mean side. The call did not go well. He called the Pro se law place and wants us to go in for a free consult. He is nuts. He also said he asked the lawyer if he could just transfer the mortgage to me. More nutty stuff. But he said he wants to call our bank and just see if I will qualify for a mortgage based on the mainenance and all the equity in the house. Go ahead I said. He gets so angry with me. He wants to come over and fill out the paperwork to file. I probably should not have said this, but I told him why, we can fill them out at the courthouse and them file. I realized he may have just wanted fill them out and not do anything. I asked for the brokerage stmts and he gets really angry. I said well if I have to find a mortgage, he cuts me off, it's too soon for that. He was so nasty, angry cutting me off, telling me how things are going to be. They know not what they are doing! My H has some serious anger problems. I need no contact with him, as he is using me to get angry. I will email you!
Yes, I can see that this is going to be a roller coaster. I am working on the whole patience thing.
I found out something about his counseling today. He has an appointment next week and that is the last time before he has to get approval from his commander. T said that even if he gets approval, they may not let him come back to her because they may want him to go to someone on base. That is not good because I think this lady really gets him and I think he should continue to go to her. But it is out of my control, and kind of even out of his control. We could pay out of pocket...but I'm not sure we could afford that with all these other expenses right now. I can go as much as I want to anyone I want...I think it is different for them because they can't deploy them if they are in counseling so it is probably hard to get it approved.
I have someone to take me to the airport, I just thought he would offer. We actually did go to dinner before his game tonight. That was interesting. He could not have been more distant. It was almost like he was doing me a favor by being there. I don't want to completely break contact with him, but I think after tonight I am done calling him. I am done asking him to do things. At least for a while. I don't need that. I want my husband back, not this person that he has become. The only positive thing I noticed was that he still had his wedding ring on. Going home tomorrow will be a big help.
Sorry about the anger issues. That is one thing about my H, he doesn't really get angry. He has always been emotional, but now all emotion is gone. Your H seems kind of back and forth. Was he like that when he left before? Transfer the mortgage?? That sounds like something my H has said. He said that about the car...just transfer it to him. Whatever.
Well, I am leaving bright and early in the morning. If I have access to a computer I will update, otherwise it will be when I get back in a week. I am pretty sure I will have a computer though. Hang in there Terey!
Well, I am back from home. It was a nice break from reality. I haven't talked to H since last Thursday. He texted me and said he was going to use the credit card for gas....when he first left I took him off all the credit cards because he was just an authorized user. I debated on just letting him try to use it or call and let him know. I decided since he told me he was going to use it that I would tell him. I just called and said he wasn't going to be able to use the card. He didn't ask why and I didn't offer anymore info.
Currently I am still matching whatever he spends by taking out money for myself. I have accumulated a nice little stash in about two weeks. I will continue to do that as long as I can afford it. We haven't talked anymore about selling the house or getting the car in his name only. I am just not going to bring those things up for now.
He had a counseling appointment today, but I don't know for sure if he went. He did feed the dog and get the mail while I was gone. I am not sure if he knows when I was coming back...so he may be over here in the morning to feed the dog. Who knows. That's about it. This is the longest I have gone without talking to him...even when he was in Iraq. I am trying to be patient. It was much easier when I was away, I find myself already wanting to call him and I have only been back a couple of hours.
