I've been following this thread and I can see a lot of myself in what you're writing about MrsHD. And that makes me cringe a bit. I handle the money in our household and I always have. Cac "let me" because it didn't matter to him one way or another. I have complained in the past about the burden of keeping the finances and cac has offered to take it over, but I've resisted. I have not screwed up the finances and I'm not trying to hide anything. I simply have control issues and abandonment issues as Cobra described, and it scares me to give up control.
I could have the same issues (and have, really) about cac going on short trips. His were business-related with a little tourism thrown in, so the company paid for the airfare, etc., but I still wrestled with feeling abandoned, especially being home with a small child. If I wasn't a SAHM I don't think I would have minded so much. At the time it seemed that he was getting away to do something fun, while I was "stuck" at home with the child. Maybe childish of me to feel that way, but it's honestly how I felt at the time.
He will be taking another trip next month, and I asked him to buy me something. Not anything expensive like jewelry, just a little something. "Gifts" is not my LL, but QT is, so I suppose the gift would be symbolic of QT -- him thinking of me when he bought it.
Recently cac has started playing music again, which I encouraged him to do. He is doing a bit of GAL, which he needs. However, I didn't plan on him needing to purchase or restore instruments, so now I'm struggling with the money issue again. And in the scheme of things, we're not talking about that much money. And he will most likely be earning a little money playing. But money is a hot-button issue for me, and now even more so because I'm a SAHM with no income of my own. I gave up a lot of control when I decided to stay home. And because I handle the money and am the worrier in the family, I worry. That's just what I do.
The other problem is that I get into martyr mode by not buying things for myself sometimes to save money. Then when cac decides he wants to spend $$ on an (inexpensive) instrument, I start thinking that it's not fair that he can buy something like that and I can't. The truth is that I could buy something, but I don't. (Maybe it's not even about me buying anything. Maybe I'm looking for some sort of recognition for being a good little martyr, huh?) Actually, I do buy things, little things, small amounts of money that add up over time. I even did this when I WOH. Spending larger amounts can be too scary. Ugh. I still have so much work to do.
I do think it's good that you are going on this trip. (I also think it's good that cac is pursuing his music, even though that may not be apparent to him.) You do need to do this. I agree with fearless and Cobra that you can assert yourself without being nasty or vindictive, and I know you posted that you plan to approach it that way.
OK, once again, this probably helped me more than you. Following this thread has given me some insight into myself and fodder for my upcoming C session, which is a good thing.
Kudos to you, HD, for taking steps to improve your life.
