It's going to be a bumpy ride

[Dom R]

Sorry about the bad night.

...

"He was obviously excited. "

This seems.. just... wrong to me. ugh.
What does he have to be excited about? he's got full cable tv?
very.. very.. wrong. Something seems up with that.

But either way... Time for you to get excited, about YOU
Plan fun stuff for YOU, and forget about him as much as possible. You need to take "Getting a life" seriously now.
[seriously fun? ]

[Trixi]

thanks Dom R.

I should probably tone the excited comment. He wasn't jumping up and down excited; just kinda reminded me of a kid going off to camp. His eyes seemed 'bright'. Not at all distressed with the idea of being without me; (well, duh, why would he be? He *is* the one leaving.)

yeah, I definitely need to uberGAL.

First item on the agenda for today:
Gather up all my old books to take to Half Price books and rearrange the bedroom. He took the pillow cases off his pillows...how crazy is it that I don't plan to wash them right away? Somehow, I am not ready to wash him away quite yet-- I want to still be able to "remember" how he smells. Crazy, huh. (I hope I didn't just alienate myself the entire board with disclosing that. eek.)

[Dom R]

Gather up all my old books to take to Half Price books and rearrange the bedroom.

Ooooo... now THAT will be a shock to him.. seeing that your bedroom is all different, and there isnt a "place" for him in the bed any more. Go for it!

(make sure to put your single set of pillows, right in the middle of the bed instead of on the side )

[NikB]

Wow, thanks for catching up on me - you are quite ambitious to work your way through that many threads!

Glad the night went ok. I'm sorry it was so hard but it sounds like you did really well. Yeah, I think all of our self esteems get pretty beat up during all of this. Definitely work on that, feeling confident again will be huge for you.

SO glad you are redoing your bedroom. That was one of the first things I did, too. Totally redecorated it, spread my stuff out in the closet - made it MY space. I love the idea of putting the pillows right there in the middle, too.

I know you keep hoping he'll change his mind, but if he changed his mind and came back today, neither of you would be ready. You need some time to stand on your own and get strong (you both do) before you're ready to come together and work on this.

As for how I'd have made him work harder - a few things I wish I had done:

- Said no sometimes when he wanted to spend the night. Not all the time - but on the nights where it was just a "convenience" thing (i.e. he had a dentist appt right up the road in the morning so it'd be closer for him to stay w/me). Only let him stay on the nights when he was being really sweet, treating me well (basically pursuing me), to reinforce that. And maybe even not always those nights... make him pursue a little harder, even.

- Said no sometimes when he asked me out to do something. There were times I had planned to go to meetup.com things and cancelled those in favor of doing something with H. Being that it's meetup it's not like I let friends down - it was all people I'd be meeting for the first time - but I still should have stuck with my original plans.

- Gone darker. I did ok for a few weeks, and I can even remember a couple of times where days would go by and I DIDN'T have the urge to call. But I wish I had stuck with that longer, allowed it to sink in more (for both of us).

- Calmly but directly discussed the "moving in" - not so much during the limbo phase, but when he asked if he could officially move back. I should have had a very clear discussion about what my boundaries were, what expectations we both had and "rules" for each of us would be if he came back.

- Stay detached. I was so happy he was around so much and seemed to be coming home, that I jumped too far into the R. For every baby step he took towards me, I took a giant step towards him.

- Make sure he was fully committed to working on our M before letting him move back. Even if he'd said that I know there might be some "waffling" back and forth but I should have gotten a firm commitment.

- Set up MC and discuss it together, with her, before we made the decision.

Hope that helps some.

Make some plans for tonight so you're not in the house alone for too long, ok? Even if it's just getting your nails done or reading a book in a coffee house or something, get out and do something for yourself. Maybe shop for some new decor for part of the house??

[Trixi]

I know you keep hoping he'll change his mind, but if he changed his mind and came back today, neither of you would be ready. You need some time to stand on your own and get strong (you both do) before you're ready to come together and work on this.

Yes, you are right about that.

I moved the furniture around in the bedroom. The best set up was how it was, but I will be damned if I am going to keep it how it was.

I have no plans to repaint or anything since ultimately it isn't my house, but I am switching the comforter cover and removing a lot of the decorations.

You had mentioned that you think that it would have been better if your H was concerned about losing you; what would have accomplished that?

[NikB]

Sounds perfect Agent99 - make it your own space as much as you can.

You had mentioned that you think that it would have been better if your H was concerned about losing you; what would have accomplished that?

Very good question. Probably a lot of what I listed above - being less available, less reachable, more detached. Of course, who knows - I have no control over what he thinks (wouldn't THAT be nice??). But I think those things would have helped. Be nice, be friendly, but be clearly not pursuing him, not obviously waiting around for him. Does that make sense?

[Trixi]

Makes a great deal of sense.

So, probably when he calls to say he wants to get more stuff, I should say (regardless of what night it is) "sure, come on over. I won't be here, but you've got your key." ? Seems like it would be best to have plans in advance, as opposed to just not being here--that might look like I was just trying to avoid him.
OOOO- maybe I should put a bunch of stuff in a spare room and say "Sure, come on over, all your XYZ is in bedroom 3." Maybe that is pushing him out...like it matters.

[MikeinMidland2]

Stop. Playing. Headgames.

If his stuff is in the way, or doesn't go with your new decor, then move it. Otherwise, leave it where it is. Don't put it all in the spare room to send a message. And don't build a shrine around a pillow case, either.

Don't make plans in order to avoid him, or show him that you are GAL. Make plans, do things, have friends over--for YOU. He will see what he sees if and when he comes by.

[NikB]

Excellent advice Mike. That's exactly what I was going to say.

[Trixi]

Very good.
Once I got out of the house, I had reached the same conclusion.

I think my biggest frustration is that it 'he' is everywhere in this house. I want to be able to "clear my head" - figure out who I am. Wrap my head around what it is to "be" by myself.

I read a booklet by Barbara Rose called "stop being the String Along and be the One" (or something like that) and I can see that I never had the confidence to be 'the one'. I've been settling for being a string along for a long time.

I can only hope and pray that he'll step up to the plate. In the meantime, I'll have a lot of spare time to develop myself.

Thanks so much to all who have taken the time to read my story and offer advice.