Frustrated and Saddened #2

[Elena]

Keep yourself busy. I find that works best. Be with people who support what you are doing. Have fun!

[stewart10]

Thanks Elena and Atlas,

Last night was pretty rough on me. Just looking forward to getting away tonight, but at the same time, not so much. I know that I definitely have a long way to go in the detaching department. Just not sure where this is going. I know I have to be patient, but the waiting just absolutely is terrible. I feel like I am in limbo here. Just waiting for her to make a decision on whether or not she wants to be with me. Is there any emotional pain to endure that is worse than what we are feeling from our spouses? I cannot imagine being any more hurt than I am right now. I know that we have only been married for just a shade under 2 years, but we have been together for over 10 years. I feel like I am missing out on everything that I ever wanted. And it hurts bad that from my point of view, she could care less.

[waw1978]

I feel like I am missing out on everything that I ever wanted. And it hurts bad that from my point of view, she could care less.

I know it seems like the W could care less, but if that were true she would have left you by now, become totally cold and not be communicating with you at all. It doesn't make the pain any less real or difficult for you.

I hope this weekend keeps your mind off the situation. Sounds like it will be a blast if you let yourself enjoy it (and you should!)

As far as not seeing your W till Monday...that might be a good thing for your two. A little absence makes the heart grown fonder thing.

[stewart10]

WAW:

I know it seems like the W could care less, but if that were true she would have left you by now, become totally cold and not be communicating with you at all. It doesn't make the pain any less real or difficult for you.

I suppose you are right. I just don't know why if she needs to get away from me so badly, why is she sticking around? I try and think positively but deep down, I feel like maybe she has already "checked out" so to speak. And that my changes that I have made have only made her decision to leave more difficult, but that they won't ultimately change the end result.

And I am looking forward to blowing off some steam tonight. I will be in your neck of the woods on Sunday- Springfield actually- because my W has a baby shower for her brother's soon to be here baby.

As far as not seeing your W till Monday...that might be a good thing for your two. A little absence makes the heart grown fonder thing

I was kind of thinking the same thing. Not sure if that is the case in my situation, since I attribute most of our problems to too little time spent together. I will use the time to try and build up a PMA even though I know it is going to be extremely difficult since I miss her so much already.

And if I haven't told you thanks lately, Thank you. You have been a godsend for me and several others on this board. It is the hardest thing for us LBS' to get "inside" our WA's mind. Your insight has helped me tremendously.

[stewart10]

Well, Friday night was a wonderful time. Only one of the people there knows about our situation so it was nice not to talk about it for awhile (more on this later). Saw a bunch of the guys from college. It was good just to get away for a while. Received several texts from her all night. My friends were always her friends in college and we were all very close back then. She said she felt left out and wished she was there. Saturday was a family gathering at my aunt's house about an hour away from where we live, but my parents got W on the way there and I met them there. Last night came home and went grocery shopping then watched a movie with W on couch and fell asleep early.

This morning got up early and drove W up to Ma for her soon to be nephew's baby shower. Got back later this afternoon and she went to her friends from work. Just hanging out right now. Exhausted because only had a few hours of sleep on Friday night. Then got up early Saturday to be back for the party.

Friday night (actually Saturday morning around 5:00a.m.) I broke down and started talking to another one of my buddies to try and let him know what was going on (we'll see him at the wedding and don't want him to be surprised if things are weird). He could not believe what I was telling him. He was completely surprised and I can understand why. We never, ever had problems in the past. He said he never would have thought this could happen to us. I agree. He said that if me and my W are having problems and don't make it, than he has lost all hope that most marriages can work. It's odd. I do too.

[waw1978]

We never, ever had problems in the past. He said he never would have thought this could happen to us. I agree. He said that if me and my W are having problems and don't make it, than he has lost all hope that most marriages can work. It's odd. I do too.

I think you are putting to much pressure on yourself! Your M is not the pilar holding up the world of M's.

Every couple has problems. Some couples are better at hiding their problems from others and some really lucky ones, like me & my H are a really good at hiding the problems from ourselves...Does that mean that either couple is anymore likely to make it work?

I could have written this...my H could have written this. We were always looked at by others as having an ideal M because we didn't have "problems". Even we thought we had a better M than others for a while cause we never fought or agrued.

Truth be told...we had problems. Our entire 10 year relationship the biggest problem was that neither one of us would admit it or deal with it when there was a problem. We are both conflict avoiders. We never fought. Didn't mean we didn't have problems. We just had problems that were never adequately addressed. It was like taking poison and waiting for the relationship to die.

This is something I am learning in MC. Is that our relationship was never perfect and part of the distruction was both of us ignoring the obvious.

Is is possible that you did/do have problems that you didn't want to see at the time?

As a WAW I have to point out that your W will certainly disagree with the "no problems" line of thinking. In order for you to get your M back on track you will have to admit that your M had/has problems, determine what they are and start to deal with them. Don't mean to be harsh but just giving you my nickels worth on this.

Has W expressed what the issues might be yet?

[stewart10]

WAW:

I think you are putting to much pressure on yourself! Your M is not the pilar holding up the world of M's.

You are right. Just "center of the world" thinking on my part. I'll try and curb it a bit.

Every couple has problems. Some couples are better at hiding their problems from others and some really lucky ones, like me & my H are a really good at hiding the problems from ourselves...Does that mean that either couple is anymore likely to make it work?

I could have written this...my H could have written this. We were always looked at by others as having an ideal M because we didn't have "problems". Even we thought we had a better M than others for a while cause we never fought or agrued.

I suspect that most couples on this site could have written this. Thanks for putting how common these problems are into perspective.

Is is possible that you did/do have problems that you didn't want to see at the time?

Most likely, as I doubt we would have got to this point if I had my eyes open a little wider. Just never thought I would have to try sooo hard to have my W love me. It is almost surreal at this point. Almost like this is one gigantic horrible dream that I just can't seem to wake up from. The reality of the situation has not really hit me I guess. I suppose I have had some low points where reality sets in, but it has not been consistent.

As a WAW I have to point out that your W will certainly disagree with the "no problems" line of thinking. In order for you to get your M back on track you will have to admit that your M had/has problems, determine what they are and start to deal with them.

You are probably right here. The problem is she has not really expressed anything other than that she feels I was too controlling and also drank too much. Both of these things never seemed to be an issue in the past. And now she is the one that is out drinking several times a week. I suspect, as do others, that these were simply the "excuse" for my W to use to justify her leaving. I suspect, as do others, that there may be someone else that is either already in the picture or very close to being in the picture which is the real reason for her wanting to leave. I honestly have changed the issues she expressed back in early April when she actually expressed to me what it was that made her so unhappy. She has since given me the typical lines "too little too late" blah blah blah blah. I obviously do not have this attitude when we are talking but I am sure most people have heard the same things. And it is scary but also telling to me that Michelle addresses in DR (on page 150-151)typical things that WAS's say when there is another person in the picture and I think I have heard 3 of the 5. I understand that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, but I think it makes the whole process a lot harder to work on the marriage if she is not being honest about where things are at.

Don't mean to be harsh but just giving you my nickels worth on this.

Please don't ever worry about being too harsh. I need to try and understand where she is coming from and although it may seem harsh, it is not taken that way at all, it is actually valuable information that is very helpful in my situation. You have been more help than you even know.

[Heimlich]

Stew,

Don't take the weight of the world on your shoulders. You're already better off than you were before you started DBing -- no drinking, playing basketball again (it's better to PLAY basketball than look like you swallowed one, right?).

You and I have the same problem, we want to convince our wives that they need to SEE us. Look at me, look at me. Gotta stop, nose to the grindstone, focus on ourselves and allow our wives to make their own decisions, even if it's the "wrong" one. We need to be the best man we can be. After that, it's out of our control. Make that decision for them to leave us hard because that will mean we were better than we were (and, pragmatically, will set us up for future relationship success).

Hang in there,

BD

[stewart10]

it's better to PLAY basketball than look like you swallowed one, right?

This made me laugh pretty hard. Good point.

You and I have the same problem, we want to convince our wives that they need to SEE us. Look at me, look at me. Gotta stop, nose to the grindstone, focus on ourselves and allow our wives to make their own decisions, even if it's the "wrong" one. We need to be the best man we can be. After that, it's out of our control. Make that decision for them to leave us hard because that will mean we were better than we were (and, pragmatically, will set us up for future relationship success)

I have to constantly remind myself of this. It just doesn't seem to be sticking. Have to try harder to remember the theory behind this whole process. Especially the part about letting them make their own decisions.

[stewart10]

Well it appears that I am on a down on the roller coaster. Although I can't really say that I had any up recently. She has just been really cold and short with me lately. No real reason for it, she just has. Just have to try and not let it get to me and keep up the PMA. Really don't understand what I did, but I don't really think I did anything. Just on the down slide where she begins to pull back away. Just have to continue GAL on my end. Too hot tonight to play basketball, but maybe I will try to do something else. Just to get out of the house for awhile.

Made a slight mistake today. Asked her to do something. She obviously didn't want to do it. Think it made her feel bad. Then it made me feel bad because we do it every year. Makes me realize how she really feels. I probably should have waited until she was a bit less cold towards me to ask, or not at all. Just every piece of me wants to start doing things that make me feel normal because I know how things are so not normal right now. But patience is necessary right now.

I could really use some good news. Things have just been kind of dragging along. No real positives that I have been able to se, and believe me I have been looking. Kind of in the dumps wondering if anything that I am doing is helping the situation. I know that I am better off now than I was when this all started. But in all honesty, I want my life back. That is my ultimate goal. I want to share my life with the woman that I chose to do so with.

Got a wedding coming up this weekend. I am in it so I have to be up there on Friday evening. She has to work so she is coming up Saturday afternoon. Anniversary is coming up two weeks from yesterday. I am going to try and make it as comfortable a day/weekend for her. When we were at my aunt's party on Saturday, we were invited to a barbecue on the 18th and my w declined because it was our anniversary weekend. Just so confusing.