I also read post after post of people saying "don;t take it personnaly" "They aren't well" and so on and so forth. ...How much is enough? I cannot see any benefit in standing by letting someone treat you this way.
Braveheart, well, I'm one of the main one's who passes on the don't take it personally advice. The misconception I see in your words is the implication that this advice is packaged with taking the abuse--accept it because it's not really personal.
I promote accepting the process. I do not promote allowing yourself to be abused--enabling. I promote boundaries. I promote self-protection and Standing up for one's Self. It is perfectly acceptable in my book to walk away, tell him/her that you will not put up with that language, abuse...whatver...or that his/her actions/words are inappropriate. Hang up, don't answer...those are not only acceptable, but often necessary in this.
Gosh Sweetie, I'm so sorry you took this abuse for so long...sux huh? I think that the more we 'take it' the more they do it. Telling them it's not okay is throwing it back in their face. And they then test to see if you meant it...or can follow through with your promise.threat to 'not take it.' So they won't stop dishing it out right away.
Not taking it is part of letting go--you know...what happens when the MLCer finally gets scared that we have moved totally on and suddenly wants to return.
Lingy takes it. I get so frustrated. Honestly, you guys might be surprised about how I sound to her...I thinknit's different than most of what I say here on the boards. she takes it and takes it...and then yells back. She then calls me and says...you won't believe... or I can't believe... She's wrong...I will believe it, 'it' repeats weekly...and has been going on 4-5 years. Lingy is an example of why it is not better to have the MLCer home...it's AWFUL.
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don't take the abuse, let her be mean to someone else.
AWESOME. This works for Standing...or not. The Ow is great for this...though I did feel bad that Sweetheart projected onto our SIL too--she was an innocent in it. But I still thanked her for taking it off of me.
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I think that sometimes, just sometimes, they do know what they are saying and doing.
ME too. It's so hard to explain... because it's all a big oxymoron sometimes.
I think that just because they KNOW what they are doing--and that it's wrong--doesn't mean they can stop doing it. And there is a fog...So they know, but then get justification from the confusing things cycling in their brain...or from the OW. REmember how Happy_Again said Allie was upset when she snooped once and he felt so bad. But he left and called the OW who validated that it was Allie's fault for snooping, not HA's fault for the actions. MLCers seek out and receive mixed messages. Society tells them divorce is fine. Their counselor has told them they should be divorced--boy that's a huge MAD for me!!! Their parents only want them to be happy...since they are not happy with you, the parents support leaving. It like my in-laws, they never liked you, so you should have done it a long time ago. Sometimes their friends and family don't support...but often the only one not agreeing with the MLC behaviour is the spouse (and kids). SUX!!!
FIB, I am so sorry that you and Rich are both going through this...and that we all did...
Though now, I feel so blessed to have gone through. I changed and am learning things. But the coursework for the MLC-LBS degree is pretty darn rigorous.
You've got to detach. I know....easy to say, tough to do. It gets easier and better though.
Though now, I feel so blessed to have gone through. I changed and am learning things. But the coursework for the MLC-LBS degree is pretty darn rigorous.
So how many credits for a BA, MA, PHD in MLC/LBS?
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
RCR, I didn't mean anything bad toward you or anyone else with my posting about popular advice. RCR, I really think you are a great person, and you surely do know and understand this process! I just love the way you put things! Sometimes, I don;t agree with you, but I do respect you and your thoughts on things! Your above post, I do agree with! I do think the more you take, the worse it gets, I think you just finally reach a point where you just say "to hell with them" I reached that point awhile back, I did file for D first, I got it, even after that I tried to talk to her when she needed to talk to me, but it just got to the point where I couldn't talk to her anymore, she just pushed me to the point of no return with the things she said, even after the D, she accepted responsibility for nothing and still blamed me for everything coming and going. In our last conversation, I told her I WAS TO BLAME for everything, it was all my fault, she was totally justified in everything she did, incluing leaving me to raise the children, that she had been screwed over by everyone her entire life! LOL I then told her that since "I confessed" there was no reason for us to ever talk again. I know that kinda sounds like smart A way of talking, but I was just tired of taking it. You are right RCR, the way to not put up with it is to establish boundaries and stick with them. My boundary is not ever talking to her again.
Braveheart--I didn't think you meant anything bad. You're too great a guy for that! I just wanted to clarify.
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In our last conversation, I told her I WAS TO BLAME for everything, it was all my fault, she was totally justified in everything she did, incluing leaving me to raise the children, that she had been screwed over by everyone her entire life! LOL
Ya know, this is interesting. MY counselro--the one who went Stood through her husband's MLC, not the Divorce Sounselor Sweetheart and I saw--we have an appointment for next week, but will likely cancel. Well, my counselor said she did that...reflected back to her MLCer. PErhaps not quite with a confession of repsonibility, but with apologies and such...She projected back... And with that he flipped the other way...hey why are you apologizing... Interesting.
Dear brother FIB...you know I am praying for you and your family daily! I hope to see you in a couple weeks.....
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Braveheart--I didn't think you meant anything bad. You're too great a guy for that! I just wanted to clarify.
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In our last conversation, I told her I WAS TO BLAME for everything, it was all my fault, she was totally justified in everything she did, incluing leaving me to raise the children, that she had been screwed over by everyone her entire life! LOL
Ya know, this is interesting. MY counselro--the one who went Stood through her husband's MLC, not the Divorce Sounselor Sweetheart and I saw--we have an appointment for next week, but will likely cancel. Well, my counselor said she did that...reflected back to her MLCer. PErhaps not quite with a confession of repsonibility, but with apologies and such...She projected back... And with that he flipped the other way...hey why are you apologizing... Interesting.
RCR, When I told her that, I didn't really believe that I was the one to blame for why she did what she did! LOL I just said that so she would shut up! Anyway, when she and I were in counciling, our M.C. told her that she was projecting everything onto me, that she needed to work on herself and how she treated others, of course this was the VERY LAST thing she wanted to hear, and concequently, she quit M.C. shortly after. I wasn't making any apologies to what I said to her, on the contrary, I just want her to go on her way and leave me alone. As I said before, you just reach a point where you just wash your hands of it all.
Not sure if I have ever posted to you before...I can totally understand how you feel...you see I filed for LS and D not once each...but twice!!!...so many times I thought I hit the end of my rope and was falling...only to pull a "Tarzan" and swing myself to another rope...
Yes I did give up...a few times...but buried in my pain I somehow found hope...even though H never gave any...
I didn't live with him after the bomb...basically the bomb was his moving out following my nieces wedding...but looking back I can clearly see that I was living with a man in MLC for the 3 years building upto the bomb...at times it was HELL...and after he left it was even worse!!!
I don't want to beat a dead horse here...but I think you need to take a mental break from it all...focus on you and your kids...do what you can to keep peace...I think you plan for parenting is right on for now...
I understand the whole IL thing too...I got royally told off by my MIL...called the most "evil woman, cold hearted, unloving person" she had ever met...and this from a woman that I spent years looking for to reunite her with her kids after her abusive XH stole them away from her...I reunited her with her kids when they were in their late 30's and early 40's...she had not seen them since they were 2-5 years old...I did it because I loved her for giving my H life so I could find him...
Long story short...after nearly 2 years apart...18 months of it pretty hostile when we did see each other...after failed MC because H refused to accept any part of it...after buying and losing a BMW convertable with heated seats...after coloring his hair, mustache, and goatee thing so it wasn't gray (oh yea and the eye brows too)...after buying all new clothes to make him look younger...after the OW 14 yrs. younger with 4 kids and possible 3 failed marriages behind her...the perfect woman that he was going to marry when we got divorced...after telling me the worst day of his life was when he married me...after going through 9-1-1 calls because he was so stinking drunk that he couldn't stand up yet he was denying drinking...after realizing he was an alcoholic and praying he would get help...after dealing with his extreme depression...I kept my unconditional love...while he was gone I provided him medical insurance that saved his life to the tune of $40K in medical bills...I saw the opportunity to talk to him once he calmed down from the peak of the MLC...we started to be friends for the first time in a long time...
Long story short (too late I guess, lol)...he has been home for almost a year and a half...he is now able to say he loves me...he is now having me in his real dreams...he is now becoming himself...getting the medical and mental help he needed all along (and that he fought so hard against)...my M was on the brink for sooo long...I really never expected that ours would be a story of survival...but I can honestly say we are building a new life together...a new marriage...yes, there was pain and agony...for both of us...compassion and empathy needed on my part...even doubts that I was doing the right thing so many times...but now I have no doubt...now I have my H back...and I am feeling loved...
One thing I am resolved to do this time is keep MYSELF...I did lose myself in my M...and when he left I was so totally lost...I had to really dig deep...build myself up...and find who I wanted to be...where I wanted to go...what I really wanted...sure, at one point I had an EA...I met the man...I also realized that I was not over H...I was not healed...I was not ready...I still needed a complete ME...now I have her...I maintain her...I make time for her...I make time for my H...for my kids...for my family...balance...that is what it is all about...and keeping myself happy and healthy is keeping the faith I have in others alive...
FIB...if there is anything I can do...please ask...I feel your pain...and I know from where you are it is so hard to see an end to it without letting go of the rope...but think "Tarzan"...you can let go...and swing to another...get a grip...and keep taking care of you and your kids...it really isn't over yet...from a woman's perspective I don't think you W is really done...but she is obviously confused and probably being led a bit...
It is true...Bworl can attest to my sincerity as well...as can others...You have to be happy with what decision you make...sometimes the decision is made for you and you have to be happy with where life takes you...whatever happens...whatever YOU decide...I support you...to every song there is an end...but then there is always a new song to be heard...sometimes it is the same artist...sometimes not...
Your story is truly inspirational for many of us who at times feel that hope is slipping away. Although I am D now, I do continue to have hope until I know that XH is truly happy but am allowing God to do the work on my XH while I do the work on me.
FIB,
I can imagine the struggle you are facing but maybe it really is time to take a break from the insanity so how about living YOUR life and enjoying your kids. Have you been asking for guidance? What is that voice telling you?
As for your IL's, hey, I think my MIL was running for queen of all evil MIL award. You need to understand that even if they do not agree with their daughter, they will stand by her no matter what.
Only you know what is really right for you and we will support you no matter what. If the decision is difficult then why not just let things be for now. Patience is truly a virtue.
Strength and Honor, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
iMlin..thanks for your story of inspiration. I know of only 2 people here with restored M's...yours...and FaithfulH's. My W is not there. Anger....living in the past...new visits to the 'Advanced Inject Your Face' Place. I was in the Inspirational column last year, only to be put there for a brief 'out of the tunnel experience'. Sometimes I feel embarrassed about that.
I HAVE been going on with my life ,but, as of yesterday, am now being accused of 'excluding her'.
Me: XXX...I am not excluding you. You told me to move on with my life last December and recently. You told me that the ONLY reason that you want to be with me is because you'd miss the kids. You were ready to file, and, we would be separated at that time anyway if you did. I am only doing what you told me to do....go on with my life.
Silence.
We went to the beach yesterday. D4 feel asleep on the towel, spread out. Here ya go. My W went up to the concession stand/beach store and bought ANOTHER TOWEL and stretched it out next to the larger one.....to lay down apart from me. There was room for her....but....too close for comfort I guess.
I've reduced my conversation with. I don't wish to be cold. I just don't have much to say and it seems that everytime I DO say something, it is taken out of context.
So...although my W doesn't want to go with ME per se on a break ..only because she wants to be with the kids...when I take them out for the day, I am EXCLUDING HER. Ironic...that only a few weeks/months ago, she had an appt with her atty to file. BTW, the days I DO take them out, are on her days/evenings of work.
Tonite, my W is going out with the 'girls from the salon'. Is she? Who knows. I hope she has a good time 'whoever' it's with.
Question My W's 40th birthday is coming up. Your IL's are not talking to you. Your FIL recently threatened you and threatened to call the police. Your W is not asking you about your life, sleeping with your, touching you or really cares about your goings on. Before the havoc, your W insisted on having NOTHING big for the 40th. Weeks ago, prior to the increased frequency of negative verbal remarks, I had offered her to go out to dinner on the 25th (her Bday is the 26th). Her response was maybe. The 25th is also the date of a nearby 'rockerdude' concert.
IMO, I cannot be in proximity to her F...also instructed that by my L. I believe that essentially, all I can do is give her a card again.
Thoughts?
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
