There should not be much surprise that HD’s wife is acting like this. I think it is typical and is something that authors like Schnarch warn about. HD is slowly differentiating. He and his wife have been enmeshed for too long, as seen by his need to ask “permission” to go on this trip with his own money. The posters here are picking up on this and this enmeshment is what bothers everyone. As HD differentiates, it threatens the previous enmeshed comfort zone that MrsHD has helped to create and has become her safety zone.
Now she feels HD tearing away at this and she now feels vulnerable, so she emotionally will do everything she can to get back to her comfort, even if she intellectually knows it is not healthy or does not make sense. She wants her own control over family assets but does not want HD to have the same. So she will “sabotage” his attempts to differentiate, playing on his “loyalty” to her, his “inferior” sense of dedication to the kids, the finances, his lack of self sacrifice and her more generous commitment to others…..
All this is scary stuff for her because it means she has to stand on her own two feet and trust the HD will do the same PLUS stand by her and not run away. This is abandonment. This is why she has helped to create the enmeshment in the first place. HD is ahead of her in that he has been facing his abandonment issues for some time now and has come to accept that it is possible, but that he “can handle it.” I doubt she has not come face to face with this yet so any ideas she may have of divorce may not be very realistic. She is reacting out of fear and the only way she can get through this is to just experience it and come out alive on the other side. So she will b*tch, moan, argue, get angry, attack, whatever.
That is why I say it is so important for HD to show empathy to her for the panic she is experiencing BUT stick to his goals and maintain firm boundaries. Holding too hard a line will become counter-productive. Once HD caves in, he will lose the opportunity for major growth in his wife. (Lou, this is where you have been hurting yourself and why rescuing can be so damaging.) This trip to Tucson has NOTHING to do with money, or the trip itself. It all has to do with “forcing” MrsHD to confront her fears and stand on her own, and not hanging onto HD for dear life. She does not want to undertake this growth. THIS is what scares her, not the money, not the gifts, not the sense of serving the kids first, etc. In spite of all MrsHD says, her number one concern is herself. The excuses about sharing first with the kids and others is just a deflection.
The hardening and “callousing” she had to undertake in her FOO means there is no way she will express such weakness. To deal with a person having narcissistic tendencies, you need to show compassion but with the purpose of making that person get in touch with his/her own sense of compassion and not to rescue. Firm boundaries make that person take responsibility for his/her own growth, not piggy-backing on your growth.
