I think your conversation was probably a good thing. Sometimes I think we need to give the WAS a reality check. I think it will show her that she can't have her cake and eat it too. So to speak. I know it hurts when you see them cry. I tears me up because I can't do anything about it for one and also because I hate to see my W in such pain and confusion.
Not much to post realy , W has been a bit more distant since last week and has reversed a few of the baby steps . My PMA has been a bit average as well and I was realy missing her last night. But a boundary was set and I think its understood now that while she is welcome here , she does not live here and does not get to call the shots or criticise how I do things. This is distinct from the realisation that its her house as well as mine and she has full access to the kids when ever she wants.
Living elsewhere was her choice entirely.
Hopefully I will have something positive to post in the future
Dave, Greetings from Austin, TX, where the hippies still think it is the summer of love! I actually caught the Dead a few times myself and the charm of the lifestyle was alluring, if not too practical.
I think you already know that you are on the right path. W needs to find out what she really wants, what will make her happy in the long run. She cannot do this if she is only halfway focussed on her mission and halfway focussed on being the happy homemaker that she has decided is not her.
In this way, we are in VERY similar sitches. I see now that a new R/M will only be possible after the old one is COMPLETELY dismantled, all the way down to its foundations. The lingering, familiar roles that we play are comfortable, but can get in the way of this deconstruction/rebuilding cycle that must be done at mid-life. Not much fun when only one person realizes this is it?
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Just wanted to post that I was thinking of you. So, how is your cooking, since W won't be doing as much ;0) I am finding it a whole new world, since I am no longer cooking for H, just me and the kids (he ate almost what the three of us eat! Cuts the grocery bill in half...)
Thanks for supporting me over at my thread so often...
I have been laid up with the flu a couple of days , not too good . Asked W to come by and help with Dinner Kids last night which she did so willingly. Now over the last couple of days I made a couple of changes to my room ( used to be our room ) nothing major just an $18 print for the wall and new bed cover was half price cost about $80. W come in to bring me some water and instantly gets angry says "talk about a slap in the face" then " I can see you have moved on" then leaves before I can say anything. Here is poor me in pain have been in bed for 48hrs , cant eat and she opens with an attack.
later I got her to come in and talk , I said there was no underlying reason for the purchase other than saw it , liked it and bought it. she was not listening as usual. Its actualy one her traits which is infuriating and thats making her own mind up about why someone has said / done something and refusing to listen to that person when she confronts them. Then it came
" you have everything , the house the kids , everything , you get a new phone , do up the room , I have nothing ." " You write up how we are going to split things and if I agree I will sign it" . I said I asked for none of this , it was your decision , then she "said you made me leave"
Thats the last we spoke I didnt have the energy . So now shes been on her own a month she is getting Jealous and angry .
So now shes been on her own a month she is getting Jealous and angry .
Yep, a reality check for WAS. Sounds like she's getting mighty uncomfortable now.
Quote:
Might be time to go talk to a good lawyer
I know you feel that way now & totally understand. I would wait to see what comes next. I read somewhere that just when it gets it's worst, is when there's a change for the better.
It's always good to know where you stand, just in case & doesn't hurt though.
Looks like she's feeling insecure & certainly not finished.
Dave, I agree with Sunny 100%. Do not let her words influence your path at all. When she attacks/expresses her frustration, etc. just listen and validate. For example,
WAW: Dave, I can't believe you redid our room, that is totally inconsiderate of you! DAVE: Yes, I see how that was inconsiderate to not talk to you about the changes I made.
At this point, do not be afraid for a pause in the convo. or maybe even more venting on her part. Either way, stay calm and do not try to defend yourself in any way. Most of the time, you will notice that she starts to calm down and then you can decide if you want to get into a deeper convo. or just end it with.
DAVE: I am sorry that my actions/words offended you. Next time I will... (in this case, let you know in advance before I make any changes to our house.)
Maybe you knew all this already, but it helps me (at least) to write it down as a guide.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I hope you are both right , perhaps being sick has worn me down some but I wonder if W realy does want to move on but is not going to say so nor wants to be seen as the one to pull the final pin. Now is waiting for me to slip up so that she can lay the blame on me for the ultimate failure. I find it just so frustrating at the moment , Her being distant for months , then telling me I should leave , the wedding ring off , the admitted A and then finaly moving out , all through this I have dealt with her with understanding and kindness. I buy a bed cover and its to her the reason to end it all ??
I dont know if I have the strenght for much more of this . I struggle to see her dealing with her issues .
Anyway thats enough of that rave. I will wait until I am feeling better before doing anything at all , I may feel different by then.
I agree that it seems awfully imbalanced in terms of how you both have handled and are handling the changes on both ends. I personally think the comment about you moving on after seeing the new bedspread stems from your last comment to her about not needing to be around to this and that (the comment about new boundaries). She is feeling lack of control and it is scaring the hell out of her! She is panicking, and I honestly don't feel she's behaving this way because she's looking for a way out. I mean, didn't she willingly come over and help you out, cook dinner, etc, when she heard you were sick? Looking in from the outside, Dave, I think she's worried sick that you ARE moving on and she has lost control of the situation.
Hope you're feeling better now and continue to do so. Good idea to wait until you're recovered before making any decisions or taking any actions. Stay strong, and remember your goals and how you can best utilize DB to meet those goals.
Thans for your thoughts GD , you are probably right in the loss of control , panic thing may be setting in. I am probably being tested a little ? Sometimes I think she wants me to beg her to come back which would give her the opportunity to return on her terms. This aint going to happen! I wonder if she achieved what she hoped when moving out. Was she hoping that we would all fall apart and the kids would be begging her to come home and the house would be some sort of disaster area. Well this has not happened , the kids are quite happy given the circumstances , with thier help I have managed to keep things under control .
I think you are right , this is not going as she hoped and its causing her some major concern.
