I think thats the problem we all have is in that getting on with our life and waiting for WAS to see what they are doing it may be too late. My H is confinced that he will be "Happier" without me, the family, the financial problem etc but isn't dealing with anything, not going to councilling, as far as he is concerned he doesn't have anything wrong to need C!! But by the time he comes out of this MLC I may be gone or at least extremly wary about letting him back in to go through all this again.
Me 45 H 45 D 27 Not living at home D 21 At home S 19 At home D 17 At home M 22yrs Togther 25yrs Bomb 17 July 2007
Sounds like you are very bitter, I am sure that will change over time. But the way you feel and your expressions here make it easier to understand why it takes so long to get over the hurt and rebuild. I appreciate your posts.
Let me say that it takes a while for the WAS to forgive themselves and even longer to be willing to take a chance that the LBS will forgive. It just illustrates the point that it is best if one decides if they really want the other person back and makes it clear. Then the roller coaster isn't as hard to ride nor does it last as long. Doesn't mean you can't change your mind but at least you have a goal.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
This weekend was better, did some talking on Friday I flat out addressed that confiding in another male friend about our relationship could only hinder us communicating in the future. I recommened individual counseling again as an alternative. She indicated that the conversations she is having are very supportive toward the situation and toward the marriage. I indicated that I thought the intentions were good, but still did not believe it could be as helpful as working together toward communicating. She agreed, W. seemed to be more affectionate this weekend and we had fun together.
Sunday night after some alone time with my W. she asked me if I really wanted to go ahead with a operation I was planning. The V. I reminded her that we talked about it before and she and I were done having children.
I then said regardless of what happens between her and I, I did not want anymore children. Then kind of sat there and pondered the question, she said she did not mean to upset me with the question, I told her I knew she didn't mean to and I calmly excused myself from the conversation. Sometimes you just wish you could knock some sense into the other, but since I was the one that needed some sense I will continue to remain patient.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
You've been so helpful! It does sound like things are getting a bit better for you at home. I don't know how to say this exactly, but I think that the V may tend to be reassuring to your wife. Even at the point I've arrived at in my separation, it would be extremely stressful for me to deal with H's OW's pregnancy, should it happen. I would probably offer to babysit, though.
thegoodfight, I have read your post and it's rather interesting. I do agree with you that at times we dont value our M and R so much. We seem to have M and R as low priorties in our lives. This is dead wrong! It's been almost 45 days since I found out entirely about W and her EA. It was the worst shocked I have ever experienced.
I dont want to go into much details on your post. Since then, I have done some immediate changes and now W is questioning or is very curious as to my actions. It seems to me that the 'questioning' W is somewhat reacting positive to my changes and cannot believe the things she is seeing day by day.
You have done well and keep it up. I know I need to go further but I can only live 24 hrs at a time and I post my previous 24 hr in my stitch.
Good luck and keep going, I do like to hear great progresses given the fact that I am also at the end of my rope but I am holding on tighter than anything else.
See the W, Listen to the W, but dont Speak back to the W. Bridle your tongue...
TGF - I really appreciate you posting here. It is so hard to try and figure out why and how the thinking is like it is.
My h told me last night that he is filing for a d. He is still at home, and no one knows. He wants to file immediately because I told him that I didn't believe in divorce and I wouldn't file. If he files now, it starts the clock ticking and we can be done in two years.
He is so hurt and depressed. It is painful to watch him. He says he knows that his life will be more miserable once he leaves. He knows that he will lose friends, family and be very lonely. If he knows this, why is he doing it? He says it isn't me - although we have both been honest in the MC about our problems - that it is mostly him. He is despondent and feels like he has been gutted. Is this how you were feeling?
Thanks again for taking these questions - I really appreciate it.
_______________________________ Me: 44 H: 44 M: 15 years 2D's: 13 and 11 7/10/07 - ILYBNILWY Speech - agrees to MC 7/31/07 - "MC isn't working, I want to separate" 8/5/07 - "I've talked to a lawyer and am filing for D"
Hi, obviously it is hard to say exactly why your H. is feeling the way he is. However if in MC it is clear the problems lie mostly on his shoulders, but little I am guessing has been discussed as to how to fix them. We haven't been to MC yet, but I am pretty sure I would not want it to turn into identifying every problem with each other rather than and exchange of things that could change to improve the relationship.
Too often in life (work and in relationships) we focus on who is to blame for a mistake or error rather than how do we (as a team) fix the problem! If one were to approach challenges with this type of attitude I suspect more people would have success with improving their relationships and problems would not seem nearly as large.
As for your question, I did not feel gutted, but I did feel completely responsible and I knew she felt that way also. It was all my fault. It was not until I realized on my own that it wasn't all my fault, but I should take responsibility for my part that I started to be able to change my thoughts and actions. Hope this helps you and H. with the question! I think if I were you I would approach it as lets not focus on who is to blame because we both contributed to this, but rather focus on what we can do to make things better, one way or another. Hopefully that will take the pressure off and buy time.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Sometimes things are better, sometimes you just don't know. Here is an example last night when we were putting our S. to bed. Normal routine she complained about recent breakouts on her face. Not bad ones but unusual for her since even in high school she did have acne. I said it was probably due to stress, the hot humid weather and the time of the month it was.
W. said but I am not stressed, I did not comment, but said I am sorry you are breaking out, I am sure it will get better. She said I don't mean to upset you or blame you. I said back I know I love you anyway pizza face and all and we had a chuckle.
Point being the one in doubt does not always understand their own emotions. Another thing that I have observed during these last 3 months is when W. stresses she withdraws and avoids contact emotional and physical. Once she withdraws it gets worse and she seems to start to spiral. She typically does this after a period were things go very well and we are able to be somewhat emotinally intimate.
Clearly another sign of the emotional turmoil the spouse in doubt experiences. Regardless of the outcome I can say it is much easier to be the one who knows what they want in life! I have been on both sides and although some may disagree, trust this is a true statement. Think to yourself what would it be like if I had no idea where I was going or who I wanted to be with. It is not very pleasant.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
