What kind of converstation?

[yawmom]

When H calls, do you have a regular type of conversation or do you keep it short? We've been talking as if nothing is wrong. He hasn't made a clean break from me .. yet. OW isn't available for a couple weeks and I think things will change then.
But do you just chit chat? No mention of A or love, or the type.
Just curious.

[brandnewday]

PLEASE STICK TO ONE THREAD

[yawmom]

I start a diff thread because it's a diff subject.
Usually the same thread would be the same subject line I would think, that's how it works on diff websites.
It'd be nice if you actually gave help rather than condemn me for this.
That's why I'm here, help, you jumping on my case for this just adds to my misery.
Why such a big deal?
Not real supportive here, I've posted and seems not much of replies.
AND THANK YOU BRANDNEWDAY for your graciuousness. Gggzz

[yawmom]

Message, or Post – A piece of information you wish to share with the rest of the community. A new message can be the start of a new topic, or it can be a reply to an existing topic that someone else created. You have the chance to edit and/or delete your message within a certain period of time, if you make a mistake.

This is what is posted for POSTING per the instructions...NEW TOPIC= new post...hhhmmmm

[forward]

Yawmom, the reason why one thread is suggested is that it helps folks understand/track your situation and be able to give better suggetsions. This is especially true if you have a question. I usually let one thread die out if I start another.

As far as conversations...it's going to depend on your specific sitch. You may want to consider the 180ing advice. If you listened a lot before, be busier now. If you didn't listen so much, try listening more now.

One thing that I do think is true but has been very hard for me: try not to show you are angry.

At any rate, I also like to see a summary of the sitch in the signature--can you say a bit more about yourself.

[Rollercoasterider]

Why such a big deal?

I'm with BND...and usually it is me that makes the stick to one thread request first.

Why...because it is difficult to follow when a person has multiple threads. Because there is a fairness issue...some use multiple thread to get attention...and it backfires.

This is a forum where you can receive help and advice...but sometimes it takes awhile...posting to others will likely increase responses on your own thread.

We can support, advicse and give HUGS, but we will NOT coddle...that means we will show you the mirror--and sometimes you won't like what you see.

We care...but here comes the mirror...

Message, or Post – A piece of information you wish to share with the rest of the community. A new message can be the start of a new topic, or it can be a reply to an existing topic that someone else created. You have the chance to edit and/or delete your message within a certain period of time, if you make a mistake.

This is what is posted for POSTING per the instructions...NEW TOPIC= new post...hhhmmmm

This is NOT meant to be hurtful...but this makes me wonder if this is how you treat your husband. Critical...pointing out what YOU feel he is doing wrong? Because that's what you just did to BND...and well, personally I found it inappropriate.

Just keep posting and be patient. Emailing is also fine.

[yawmom]

I came here for support and she has told me 2x not to do a new post, it would have been much better if she had mentioned why exactly, don't you think? Using capital letters and not explaining when you are new to the board is somewhat hurtful especially when you are already down.
I'm actually blown away by your response--Your comment about how I treat my H is totally wrong. I followed the posting rules, and the only comment to my question was getting YELLED at, and then your comment--wow.
I am very sorry that I didn't post correctly, I was just looking for support, help, advise didn't expect this at all.

[yawmom]

oops--thankyou breton for the info!

[MidwesternGirl]

I start a diff thread because it's a diff subject.
Usually the same thread would be the same subject line I would think, that's how it works on diff websites.
It'd be nice if you actually gave help rather than condemn me for this.
That's why I'm here, help, you jumping on my case for this just adds to my misery.
Why such a big deal?
Not real supportive here, I've posted and seems not much of replies.
AND THANK YOU BRANDNEWDAY for your graciuousness. Gggzz

It does help us when you have one thread. Imagine that you are asking us 10 questions and you began a new topic for each one. How in the world would we be able to follow your situation?

This way, if you keep everything under one thread, we can go back to the beginning and see how your situation is coming along, offer tips, advice, etc.

For example, I have titled my threads using my username, part such and such.

Nobody here is intending to be mean-spirited so please do not take anything personally.

As to your question about conversation--depends on the subject. Just stick to the subject at hand and keep it short and sweet. Anymore, I just allow God to do His work and usually the conversations with my H just kind of flows whether it be short or long.

[Rollercoasterider]

she has told me 2x not to do a new post

That is not what I saw/read. I didn't see her TELLING you to door not do anything...she asked--witha please.

Though I do feel she went pverboard because she pulled up threads that hadn't been posted on in a few days. No one is perfect.

Using capital letters and not explaining when you are new to the board is somewhat hurtful especially when you are already down.

Packaged in this post is some of my general advice...so I hope you read through to it.

Each individual chooses what hurts them...BND and others do not know what you will hurt you and thus we cannot and should not try to second-guess every poster...no one would receive advice then, because there will alwys be someone that is offended. And I think BND may have explaine...sorry if she did not. I tried to Steelrs has now explained...and It hink others may have--did Breton.

I'm actually blown away by your response

I excpetected you would be...and your defensive response back also fits my expectations...I wish it didn't.

Your comment about how I treat my H is totally wrong.

I made no comment about how you treat your husband...what I said was...

This is NOT meant to be hurtful...but this makes me wonder if this is how you treat your husband.

I questioned how you treat him...I don't know, but your reactions thus far make me ask the same question.

Many of us here in Viallage MLC have been here for some time now. We know each other, love each other and sometimes argue. It is a culture. There are likley unwritten rules we follow. You won't know those rules starting off and we don't expect you to know them. We regulalry REQUEST new posters to stick to a single thread...most say thank you, they didn't know. (And I admit again, BND didn't need to ask more than once--unless you kept doing that is.)
No one was upset or mad at you. The 'rules' talk about start a new thread for a new topic. What does a'new topic' really mean. Your questions point back to athe same main topic. Sometimes you will refer to different mini topics in a single post.

There are occasions where we stop one thread for another...if it's just gotten old--slow moving and old news. I think it was Mandloo who's thread title was H married OW today...nine months later she was tired of that title!!!

I've started other threads that were not for me...that is general question thread or everyone post aboutthis...List what you love about your husband...that sort ofthing. Though I (or another) started the thread I didn't consider myself the thread 'owner.'

These are little things you just figure out with TIME.

Now let's get to some regular advice. We can drop the former issue...but first I would like to use it as an example.

MLC is really tough for the LBS. REALLY TOUGH. You are going to need thicker skin. If we offended you--with no intentions of doing so, your MLCer will be much worse...even the nice ones like Sweetheart.

You are going to need to look at yourself too. That DOES NOT mean you are to blame for his crisis. But no one is perfect. The sooner the LBS can identify and accept her issues and seek cahnge...the sooner she will find her own inner strength and take back her Self.

I must admit...I love being defensive...but is that really helping? Often when we are defensive, we REACT without looking at what the other person is saying--or trying to say. I do feel it is important to have your say and offer reasons...but it's just as important to understand what the other person is saying also.

You are in the early stages of this and what your emotions are normal. I feel a lot of panic from you--that's normal, but it does seem a bit over. This concerns me.

That is one of the first things I would like us to work on is that panic. Are you second-guessing everything...you, him?
Are you wondreing and trying to figure out what he is doing, feeling or interpret the meaning of his actions--constantly? That is, analysis paralysis?

What have you read about MLC?
There needs to be a balance in the time you spend here on the board and reading.

Read so you can understand--oaky understanding is sometimes impossible, but read about MLC so you can at least know the official psychological stuff.

Read posts here, but be careful. Some get drawn into the soap opera lives of others posters.

It is most important that you GAL--Get A Life. Set personal goals--goals that are not about your marriage or MLCer.

Any hobbies you neglected?
How about home decoration? I moved the bedroom the week Sweetheart left--we'd talked about doing it for years.
A month or two later I painted the living room--I'd always joked he needed to take a long vacation so I could do that...because he can't handle how things have to be in disorder for a few days. I then joked...this wasn't what I meant!
On another of his outs I painted the two downstairs bedrooms and Feng Shuied the house--need to re-feng shui probably!

I did Yoga, ran...and participated in my first triathlon!!!
I learned about meditation...prayer and meditation are vital. I saw a hypnotherapist--yes really--and asked for peace, faith and the strength I would need to Stand for my marriage through this crisis. I saw a counselor regularly.

What can you do?


So no more worries about thread. That is dropped...okay?
Would you makea list of personal goals and post it here...that way we can see that you are progressing.

If you would rather, you can email me.
Or you can keep it personal.
We're nice people--and BND is one of the nicest.
But we aren't going to coddle--though we HUG.

So tell us, what's going on today?

HUGS,
RCR