some day h will decide to be open and honest with me once again... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last sentence kind of contradicts the first one. Are you sure you're not selectively choosing to remember what you want about the past? Seems you're getting ever closer to that WAW point.
I never really did know h...h always hid things from me, the only way I ever knew where he went with his friends was when his friends would be around and remenis stories...rrrgggg! I say open up once again because for a bit when h first came home he did seem to start to share little stories about things with me...telling me about his day etc...that has faded.
I am not becomming a waw...I am in the begining stages of waw and have been long before any of this even happened...honestly I did at times sit and think...well someday maybe something will happen to h and then I can find real love...horrible I know...thing is now I know h feels the same of me only he didn't wait til something happend to me he just went out and found it for himself and now is forcing me to live with it.
there really is not much that I can do or want to do at this point...honestly I don't think I even love h anymore...he is my h the father of our children etc...but do I really want to spend the rest of my life with him??? don't think so...will I leave soon...no...when will I leave..I don't know...will h try to stop me...no!! he will finally be free of me like he wants!
there is no point in my calling a db coach..what they will tell me is what I already know...leave him alone...be happy, be mysterious, do things for me that make me happy, no or or r talks, no talk of ow, act as if etc...
sticky notes? honestly would just piss him off...the old no matter what I do "it's not enough for you"
insitst that h fill out the c form?? last tues night I asked him to fill out the form, read a book, go to c, do something that shows me that he is truly interested in this r...h did nothing...I did however put his form in with his business bills that I folded stuffed sealed and stamped for him...(did notice no bill for ow, either he took it out or she didn't have any plowing or sanding done and no forwarded balance for the past months) I don't think h gives a rat...
and I am begining to think I don't give a rat anymore either...I will live in a nice house...take care of my children and do my best to get along with h so the kids can enjoy a "family" become an emt...a part of the community...after I get comfy with being a volunteer emt I will find a company that pays...pick up a few shifts...put the money asside..go to school...further my education...get my life in order...do things for me...and eventually if h doesn't change I will leave or ask him to. will he be schocked like so many of the men that come to this board..will he try to win me back...read books...suggest c...reflect...etc...nope..he will let me go. honestly if I were to call a lawyer today and start filing h would accept..hey after all he tried didn't he? he came home didn't he? he showed everyone that he did the right thing didn't he? he's made himself look like the good guy now hasn't he? I will be the bad, bad woman who leaves her h simply because he doesn't love her...I will be just as ignorant and selfish as the ow herself...I understand her always did the only part I didn't understand was how she could carry on a r with a married man...that I wouldn't be so ignorant to do.
there is no point to any of it..h will never change and honestly I don't want him to change I just want him to be him with me..that is something he doesn't want to do or just doesn't know how to do and he is unwilling to do what it takes.
what could h do to make LL happy?
go to c...even if just once by himself
ask me to put my ring back on...even if in a mad way "why don't you put your damn ring back on!!" I would gladly with a smile!!
ask me to go out somewhere with him...anywhere...I'd be happy to just go run an errand for christs sake!!
h to initiate sex or physical intimacy at least once a week (come on now it's been at least two weeks!!!)
h to tell me something funny or annoying about his day at least 3x a week
h to let me know what his schedule is...
h to let me know what his intentions are (is he staying around for the kids? will he stay forever or just till they are old enough?)
h to tell me that he loves me without me saying anything to prompt it
h to ask me to sit on the couch with him once again
h to call me during the day for no other reason than to say hi!! and let me know what he's up to.
h to consider me his friend
h to confide in me something
h to express some desire to have me around...ie...when I go out maybe call me and say "hope your having fun...I miss you" "wish you were here" or even a pathetic...please don't go out tonight I want to hang out with you.
h to be a h!!!! not just a breadwinner doing the right thing comming home to his poor little w and kids!!
I am to good for this...I am to much of a woman to feel this way...I am special...I've got umf (as some guy told me the first night h left...I couldn't stay home so went out with a friend and within an hour or so had a guy following me around like a puppy all night!!)
I am smart I am funny I am independant I am beautiful (hot damn!! yes I am!!) I am sexy I am adventurous I am loving I am considerate I am kind I am genuine I am sincere I am honest I am a lot of things that h see's and doesn't see I am a prize and should be treated as such or at least treated as someone special or important or of value...
in this r i feel dumb i feel ugly i feel fat i feel mean i feel useless i feel selfish i feel needy i feel unloved i feel boring i feel hopeless
h knows how i feel always has and yet h has never wanted to do anything about it...h's idea of how to fix things was to go make another friend...to leave his w etc...
I don't think any of it really matters anymore
so you fear I'm in danger of becomming a waw...I already am one!! I'm just not walking away!
let's see it's valentines day...let's see what last minute card h can scrape up...and gee will he foolishly spend ridiculous money on roses again even after so many years of my asking him not to on v day? will he not bother to get me anything...will we simply eat our chinese food while watching cnn and then go to sleep..will h try to initiate sex?? hope not because I don't want him to anymore...if I want "sex" i can go up to my room and have "sex" myself...i don't need a man for that...I want physical intimacy and h doesn't seem to want to be mentally intimate with me wich is where it should start!!!
honestly even as I type this I just feel empty...yes it bothers me to feel this way but the tears have faded the anger dull it's just numbness now total numbness!! when and if h does something will it be too little to late? probably so..but then h probably wont to anything anyway...h is content to live this empty life!!
