it is difficult for me to just show up as I don't know where to just show up!! h is a landscaper...it is his own business he could be anywhere...he could be at the shop and I know sometimes he is because I get knocked off line when he signs on to check the weather but that is only something he does during the winter...
he is not at the shop all day...he is there for a bit..then to the post office, an appointment, a job site, a customers house screwing the housewife??? I don't know???
the summer before last while I was preg with dd on the way home from doc appointments I would call him to see where he was so I could bring son to see him..then he was leaving home at 5:30 am and not returning til almost 7 or after...h would oblige if he was in the area would meet us at the shop but if I asked him to go get lunch or something he couldn't.
h works in an area that is about 30 miles from here a 30 min ride...to toss two kids (3 1/2 and 1 1/2) into a car and drive to just show up would be ludicrous...
what am I going to do??? live my life for me what else can I do...h doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it...honestly I should have been the one to walk away not him only difference being if I had walked I would not have come back as he has there would be no point.
h is not open to going to c..wont even fill out a questionare that my c gave me for couples entering c to give me an idea of where he is...wont read anything...wont talk about anything..
there is not much that I can do but live my life for me...that I know scares h...because when I told him that is what I will do...h said and just what does that mean...think it's a simple case of " I don't want to be with you...but I don't want you to be with anyone else either"
I've been waiting for to long for this man to open up...I know there is someone in there...for some reason he just doesn't want to share himself with me...
my c thinks maybe h is holding onto some anger or something..don't really know..how can we even begin to have a clue as to what's with h when h doesn't so much as say boo about us.
I don't know if h wants me to be affectionate toward him or just to leave him alone.
I don't know if h wants me to talk to him or just leave him alone
I don't know what h wants I really don't and when I ask h these things I get no answer...
it's just hopeless....
I am afraid...not afraid to live my life...not afraid that I can't live without h as a real part of my life....not afraid that I wont make myself happy...not afraid of things like that...what I am afraid of is ending up in an ea or pa of my own..
