Well ended up not going out last night, my friend flaked on me. I of course did not tell H this. He texted me this morning with "you ok" and I texted back, "yeah why? how are the kids", he texted back "just wanted to make sure you got back ok" and then some info about the kids. so not sure if that is one of those little things to look for Michelle mentions in DR, but I will take it if it is.
Went by his house to nurse the baby before I headed out of town to visit a girl friend. OW was not there, I assumed she was at work, but he told me she was on her way there as I was leaving. I swear I saw her take off, saw her truck go past me I think as I was getting there. I think he had her leave just so I would be comfortable. I am sure that did not make her feel to good? I don't really care. We had a nice talk, he just told me about his night with the kids, didn't get much sleep with baby etc, (yeah i know that all to well, lol). Then he walked me out.
I headed to my friends house, and was a little late getting back to pick up the kids due to traffic and he was ok with that. OW was there with her truck parked right in the driveway, since she is pretty much living there, he just won't admit it. That is the hardest part. I have to act as if her being around doesn't bother me, but deep down it kills me. Sometimes I wonder if he is to far gone for DB'ing to even work. He is out of the house, making a new life with her, and I am acting as if I am moving on. I feel like maybe I should let him know the door is still open, but I also know if I do that, he will get nasty again and tell me he is NEVER coming back, and he is NEVER leaving her.
I wonder, has anyone ever been in this situation and have their H come back? he mentioned he was going to file the divorce a couple weeks ago back when we had a fight, but then this last week things have been great because I have been DB'ing my butt off.
Is he to far gone, I know it is a long road, and I know my kids deserve it, but sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel. I mean if he can give up and run away from us, who am I to sit here like an idiot and keep trying. The worst part is I could DB my butt off for eternity and still be in this same situation. UGH. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.
I am downright pissed. I know I am not supposed to snoop, but H has not changed the password on his email. I checked his email because I had seen some unread emails from a friend of his, that said he was an adulterer and asking him if God was in his plan. I have been waiting to see if he read them. It would be nice to know that a good friend of his does not support him, when all his other friends do. But I also saw two emails from the OW's sister, and it was addressed to H and OW. That killed me. So I am wondering what they are telling her family. Does her family know that her new boyfriend is still married, hasn't even attempted to file for seperation or divorce, and that he only told his W he wanted to seperate on June 10th and that he moved out on June 29th, and two days later they were an item? I doubt that is the story they are telling everyone. H's story is that our marriage was over a long time ago, well sorry to tell you, but a marriage isn't over until both people believe a marriage is over right?
This pretty much is a HUGE slap in my face, and since I was already second guessing everything, I think I am just going to call that lawyer tomorrow and start proceedings. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to lose my marriage, but it appears I already have, he is making a new life with her, and I don't think I can take waiting around.
I just don't get how both of them can look their selves in the mirror every morning and not see what they are doing is so wrong. To have my kids around it, to have her kids around it. I am just soooo done!!
Ok my turn to calm someone down, The good thing about this board is what goes around comes around.
Take a breath. It's nice to know your H's friend cares enough to talk to H. It really makes no difference what he is telling them now. The truth will come out. What a way to start a relation ship with the OW family. LIES. VENT VENT VENT but don't SNOOP SNOOP SNOOP it only hurts you more. And hurts your PMA. I have been working on my marriage without W's help for the last 3 months and am just now noticing changes. It will take time. As you can see from my yesterdays post I too have problems but every one here helps keep us going. What ever you do in the heat of the moment make sure it does not force an issue and can't be undone. Believe me one day you thing you are at the end and the next day something new happens and gives ya hope again.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Whatever you decide it has to be right for you. I agree with you on every aspect.
Maybe you should shake him up a bit. Its your life though and you have to make the choice.
My opinion is this guy thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, I really wonder too how these people can look in the mirror and live with themselves everyday that they are ruining families.
Sorry I wasn't much help, but im sending prayers your way...
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thanks Husband and TAL. I spoke with my best friend last night and she helped calm me down a bit. Still pretty pissed, but I knew snooping was bad. Last night I ran through so many emotions, and thought of calling and confronting the OW (I have yet to even be in the same room as her or even talk to her). I know where she lives so I thought of going to the OW's ex and finding out what he knows. I thought of sitting them both down. For now I decided to just not do anything of that caliber. I am going to try calling the lawyer again today, my employer has a program where I get a free one hour consult. I need to just find out for now if there is something I can do to secure child support and custody but possibly not do legal seperation or divorce. I honestly want him to do that, and considering how well i think i know him, it will be a long time before he gets around to it, i think? but i am concerned about me and the kids, and because i never can tell what direction he is heading i need to protect us financially and have something to hold him to for visitation because he constantly changes our agreements to suit his schedule.
. Last night I ran through so many emotions, and thought of calling and confronting the OW (I have yet to even be in the same room as her or even talk to her). I know where she lives so I thought of going to the OW's ex and finding out what he knows. I thought of sitting them both down. For now I decided to just not do anything of that caliber.
Cali,
NO NO NO, and one more NO
DO NOR CONTACT THE OW. This is not wise. I know exactly how you feel, I know where my W OM works and Lives (With his wife). I can call anytime. BUT.... IF you do this it will push your H towards the OW. I know it does not make sense but in your husbands eyes you will be the trouble maker. This is a LAST RESORT. Check the other posts; I have not seen one that contacting the OP did any good. But have seen many that ended in disaster. It's hard I know. I have his number on speed dial on my phone. But like I said this is a last resort. As much as we want to blame the OP it's our spouses that made the choice. They are the ones that "let it happen". The OP is just along for the ride. IF my sitch did end in D I WILL BE ON THE OM DOOR STEP. But until then it’s between you and your Spouse. If you were to drive the OW away it would not solve anything. Your H would just find another. HE needs to be the one to see what a treasure he has waiting at home and all that he will lose and decide he wants to work with ya.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
LIC - I'll give you my 2 cents on contacting OP....
I was the one who was unfaithful in our M. One night, with a co-worker. Very long story - you're getting a condensed version.
I was honest with H, told him who, etc. He already had 2 of his #'s from our cell bill but easily looked up his home #. He called him quite a few times. In my sitch, om rarely told me. He mentioned one day that H threatened him and he contacted a L...not sure if he wanted me to relay that info or what........but you know, I wasn't supposed to be talking to him (and did for 2 months after that night)....
One day H came by work, saw me on the phone with om, confronted me - we had it out, I told him everything that was said - good and bad. He called om again and the next day om came back to say we "couldn't talk anymore" because I was telling H everything that was said.......
It was then, that I realized what a POS he was. For me, H's contact with him didn't push me away - mostly because I wasn't aware of it.
I don't know if that helped at all or not.
[/ramble]
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Every sitch is different, this is the first I heard of a positive. But It sounds like you KS was not totally committed to the PA. I am so glad it worked out for you. In my sitch the OM is married. Not only would my family be destroyed so would his wife's. It is a decision the Cali needs to make, but once it is done there is no going back. I too was thinking I could call the OM and threaten him to get out or I would E-mail the pics to his wife and business. IF he was scared enough this would work. But dealing with the low life that he is he may say something to my W and everything I have accomplished would be over.
I know we are not helping much but it is good to get both sides of a sitch.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
actually, the om in this sitch was also married. Not one of my proudest moments....
H also called his wife -- after contact with om and myself was cut off and he gives me a note a few weeks later "you look exceptionally nice today" and I emailed him, bcc'd H to say that it was inappropriate and unwelcome and to knock it off.
It was then that H called his wife. She was unaffected...asking H to not tell work because basically, she enjoyed the lifestyle she has....
wow.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Yes Husband you are right, that is why I decided ultimately not to. That is not saying I don't think of it often. I know it would just push them both together more, and just make me out to be the enemy that he has turned me into.
He is coming over today to sit with the kids while I go to my therapist appointment, starting to get antsy about it.
