Thanks, Kat and OT. The understanding goes such a long way. I think maybe it is my friends who see me hurting and tell me to just move on, get myself together...they really are trying, but they don't get it.

There have been days that went better, even some great times, just me doing things, and with the kids. Those moments are good, but then reality crushes in, the stark differences.

One of the things that H said to me yesterday was to put the kids on the phone right away when they get sad and are missing him--he said that, that way, he can feel what I feel in that regard. I think that is the most empathetic thing he has said in a long time.

Well, from going to bed so early, I rolled over and woke up. D is in the bed with me. This has been a really hard week for her, as I think she has seen me cry about three times. Not the hysteria, but weeping. She starts to cry, and says it hurts her to see me crying. When I get on the phone, now, she tries to make me pinky swear not to cry. I've told her that it is ok to cry sometimes, when you are sad. But I have to make it much less frequent in front of her. She is already being deeply affected by this.

I wish I could have tapped into the anger longer--I felt strong with that. It is justified. But I couldn't hold onto it--unconditional love? I think that floors him.

He has said on more than one occasion that he is waiting for me to be on the same page. I think he has meant letting go. I don't think my heart can truly do that, but I will have to make every effort to Act As If...it might be that he can't start something new if I am already at the top of the see-saw, and he has to start at the bottom. Plus, I know that he is still trying to figure out his own life, "find himself." I always thought we had the freedom within our M to do that, but his sense of responsibility but restrictions on himself. He said he couldn't do it because I always wanted to be with him.
I have said before that I always want to be near him, but it is my favorite place, not the only place...we all need space and separate interests, too. He locked himself up in the R, even while I was pursuing interests like volunteering and visiting friends...he wouldn't / didn't think he was "allowed...?" Thinking of it this way, it is not surprising that he feels he needs to be on his own, but again, all this resentment built up on ideas of who / what he thought I was, instead of talking to me about the real concerns. Looking back, I always tried to encourage him to take up hobbies, call friends, get involved with outside things. He would respond that he was a homebody, and the family was his hobby. And now, he resents that, too.

So much work, so much for him to figure out. Perhaps if I can shut up long enough, he may start to share these things with me again. He pointed out that I never even gave him a minute through this whole thing--I pointed out the week, sometimes 2 weeks, that I would avoid the topic all together, especially at the beginning, and he wouldn't spend any time with me--hours at a time, alone in the hot tub. I asked him, do you have any idea what that took for me to do? The few days before the bomb, I was happy and secure in our marriage. Suddenly, my world was ripped apart. And then you wouldn't talk to me about it at all, what was going on inside your head. A week was an eternity. He seemed to absorb that, but I know that it is another source of resentment. He said that it would never have gotten physical with CW if he had gotten the time and space that he asked for all along. I said, how much time and space did you need? You never told me--a few days, a week, a month...you left me to guess, and when it got too much, I simply couldn't contain it any longer...


Urgh...more rehashing of the past, things that we can't go back and change. Only today. I can only focus on today, and what I will do today. I will hold on today. I will talk to my C. I will re-read my plan. I will put phone numbers next to the names on my list of people to call on. I will use the treadmill as the first activity thing to try from my list.
Yesterday, I printed off inspiring reminders of DBing from JenJam and Ellie (?).

Now, back to sleep after this brain dump. I sincerely don't know where I would be without you.

I start packing today for FL--the trip cannot come soon enough.