CVA - "Back in Shape"

[Not Much Left]

Journaling 8.2.07 stuff

Got home. Did not call, oops, walked into our bedroom and W was just getting into the shower! She did not have doors closed, I did not barge in and catch her naked or anything, but she was in there and not happy I almost caught her undressed (gotta admit, a glimpse at this pt would have been nice...devil on my shoulder again!).

So after that, just puttered around w/ kids till I had to take D11 to gymnastics and took boys to KFC while D did her thing. Good time w/ boys eating KFC in my car and getting greasy crumbs everywhere (usually would flip out about that but new approach to be relaxed and what da ya know, the boys helped me clean it up!).

Before we left a bit of an experiement / Backslide? W was giving hugs to everyone goodby as we were leaving, I tried to ask for a hug, and she was kinda put off by it. We did not, I just said, "not trying to stress you out, ok". Ok SO I TRIED SOMETHING AND IT DID NOT WORK, LEARN CVA.


Got the boys to bed, long talk w/ S9 again. Need to be careful here I dont tell him too much, but talked about how I was working on me an my problems of pushing on people, namely mommy, to do what I wanted others to do and how mommy was the kind of person who needed a more gentle approach which is why we dont hug right now. He had asked her about that so I also told him this little analogy.

"think about all the hurtful things I have said around our house and how each one would be a small cut on someones arm (mom's) and so would you hug a person with a bunch of cuts on the outside? No, you would gently touch them and make sure they are OK and healed before you did that"..."That is what I am working"

He seemed to understand that and I am hoping it was not too much. He then handed me his Bible w/ a passage on marriage that he had found one night while I was out of town. He says "Dad, show this to mom".

W gets home, D is still up w/ me wathcing TV. W is tired but in a good mood. Put D to bed, "talk about a backrub" but she hasnt taken a shower yet so she says, "if you want one I can do that but I am just going to shower and go to bed after that". OK I say, no big deal. So she gives me a quick rub then says "could you just lean on my back a little bit?" Sure, no prob.

OK, so I started the convo about a backrub but for about the 2nd time in this process, she made a move to keep it going. Yes her back is hurting from "that time of the month" but at least she asked for something.

That's about it.

[liz7]

Hi CVI

came to check out your blog....

I can so relate.....my H left soon after I had a horrible reaction to a paret we had....I got hives that lasted for 3 months and I fell into a depression (taking bynadral every three hours)....He said I was distant and he thought I no longer loved him, but only needed him....I wasnt working at the time...one of my huge changes..I am now working full time! The 180 really worked for me!!!

You really sound like you are on track!!!!

And yes those little positives we get from them (the fries)...mean so much!!!

Hang in there...she sounds like she is really coming around, be her friend...be her BEST friend!!! That is what saved my h,s and my m...

love and hugs
liz7

[Not Much Left]

Thanks Liz
Just back online, took a bit of a break this weekend. Probably journal later.

how are things going for you?

[ItsKat]

Hey, CVA! Hope you had a good weekend!

[Not Much Left]

Hi Kat

Not really much happened this weekend

Went to dinner w/ W and kids on Friday evening. Was fine but W was tired (up at 3 am w/ S7) so...went to bed early.

Saturday good day. Got up super early to take kids old school clothes to resale deal, got my tire fixed and then went Mountain Bike shopping w/ a friend. Man those things are $$$s! After sticker shock, went home. W was curious what I had done all morning and asked about the bike shopping as she did on Fri night as well (her BFF's husband is my bud who went shopping w/ me). Trying to GAL! Remember W said "you will kill yourself", well maybe, but hopefully she will care if I go flying over the handlebars!

Watched a movie w/ W Saturday night. Had a bit of an "moment" in the car w/ boys on Saturday. Guess I was frustrated by the sitch and tired so lost my cool and my volume was too high. Caught it quickly, apologized to the boys and moved on.

Sunday a decent day. Slept in, very weird for me, got up at 7 am and fell back asleep and woke up at 9! Went over to the house and W asked what I had done all morning!

Went to lunch w/ kids and W and just came home and swam. Then went over to friends house to swim which was fun.

Watched Entouraged w/ W and left after a back rub. If you all watch Entourage and want to know how I act, think Ari, Not as extreme but close!

[SunnySeason]

Not really much happened this weekend

In my books, this is a good thing

If you all watch Entourage and want to know how I act, think Ari, Not as extreme but close!

This is also my H, now I know what W is coping with

w/ W and left after a back rub

Ya just had to say it huh.........

Sunny

[waw1978]

Sounds like a good weekend CVA!

I think my H would die for a backrub, to give or to get. Keep it up. The contact is good and it sounds like this is wearing down the W's wall of resistance.

Good for you trying to move in for a hug. You have said all along that your W is not good at making the next move so you have to keep taking small steps and seeing where you land. Very brave of you! Doesn't sound like it hurt anything as you still got the backrubs and watched Entourage together.

[Not Much Left]

Thanks Warm and WAW
My big thing this morning is this...how do I ask about going to counseling without blowing up something or am I making a bigger deal out of this question than it is?

I have not told her I am seeing a new counselor, dont know how that is going to go over. Just seems like we are now stuck.

She does not really want to go to church (says pastor does nothing for her) so I feel like that connection is lost and as we come up on 6 mos, all I can think about is the little slip of paper in her purse notepad that says something like "I need a plan, be assertive, I am justified", something like that. What is the plan in her mind? How do we get to a pt where we can talk to someone together if I dont initiate that. I just wish she would stand up and say "OK, I am now ready to go to MC"

Any thoughts? I know you guys dont know my W, but likely you now have an idea of who I am and how she is, polar opposites.

CVA

[waw1978]

My thought is that you have been S for almost 6 months. You are in regular contact with W. You two go out with the children as a family, are at your house with her almost every night watching TV & doing the backrubs thing…as with everything there is a natural progression to things and it sounds like you two are ready to move forward.

I know you are supposed to avoid R talks and pressuring but I think in your case where you are at a standstill with the W you may need to take the lead and initiate the talk. Maybe let her know you have been seeing a new IC, and you have been thinking about MC. Find out what her thoughts are. If she is resistant then drop it, but I don’t think you would be wrong asking her what her “plan” was for your M if she doesn’t want to go to MC. Where does she see you two headed? See if she gives you anything to work with. But I would keep it light, keep your head and backoff if she seems at all threatened.

Maybe some of the vets have some more helpful ideas?

[Not Much Left]

Thanks WAW
That is what I think too. Just SO nervous about it. It is amazing I can get up in front of 500+ people and give a speech on my field with no jitters at all, run a company, tell people what to do all day (in a nice way, not an Ari way) and then be so scared of having this discussion.

That's life