18 mos and counting...

[MonicaP]

H was served last week. He actually asked me about what he was supposed to fill out and I finally told him "I'd rather not help you divorce me, you should talk to someone else". I filed for LS and Custody/Support so I can have some legal protection, but he will likely respond w/ D. Our first court date is this Friday.

I feel numb I guess, it seems so surreal.

But it's been 2 yrs with no changes except further drifting apart. Whatever H is getting from the Ow he still wants and both of them are willing to destroy a family.

S5 is doing really well which I am so grateful for! We went to NY a couple of weeks, my first flight (and travel) alone with my S. He did great and we had a blast. He begins K in 2.5 weeks! I feel so blessed to have in my life, I can't regret my marriage because of my S.

But if I didn't have my S, I would wonder what my marriage was all about. Now it just seems like a wonderful dream that turned into a nightmare!

Well, last Sunday H called 1 hr before he was supposed to be here to p/u S5 to tell me he was sick. I was so angry because I knew he was lying and I had been super sick since Friday with a bad sore throat & chest cold. I had struggled to get to Sunday so I could rest while S5 was with H. I "went off" on H and told him that I didn't believe his lies and called him on a few. He became defensive and actually swore at me. I finally hung up on him for telling me to "shut the F up". I couldn't believe it. He called back 20 min's later to apologize and said he wanted to talk later. We exchanged a few emails the next day which was a big waste of time. He's still looking to blame me for his own character defects. I did manage to say in my emails that I would always support his R with S5 and that I know he loves S deeply. I told him that he is still special to me and that I prefer to hold the memories of the man that I married. He barely responded and said that he had nothing to add.

He's really gone.

Tonight he got annoyed at me for giving S5 a banana at bedtime (something he has almost every night). H had been with him all day and told me he had already eaten enough. The thing he doesn't get is that S5 frequently asks for something to eat after H leaves. Last week H cooked S some stir-fry veggies and left out the part S loves - tofu. It was sitting right in the fridge and he just made the veggies. S actually cried when he told me. It may sound silly, but I think H is so preoccupied most of the time that he just does the bare minimum. On the contrary, when we were still together H loved to cook and would take great pride in the meals he would make. Tonight I think he took S to McDonalds - something I never do and he never would have done 5 years ago!

I wonder sometimes if filing was the right thing to do since it likely pushed H into filing for D, something it may have taken him a long time to do - maybe long enough to mature and grow through this major crisis he's going through. I'll never know. I chose to file now because I'm tired of wondering when H is going to give me money each month. Also, I want better accountability on his time with S5. Finally, I need to move on. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to move on because at least being in limbo (or, at least, not divorced yet) there was some type of hope. Realistically, I think the hope is an illusion at this point.

Time to move on with my life and maybe - someday - fall in love again.