would be nice but would also be quirky and don't know if it would just annoy h...maybe slipping something in his pocket now and then actually I did just do his laundry so could slip a few things in his jeans then I wouldn't know what day it would be...??
on occasion h does give me a random hug...did one morning come up behind me and put his arms around my waist..thing is and always has been the inconsistancy of such things. I wonder what's with the inconsistancy...it's not like I want him to do those things every day..but they seem to come few and far between same a sex...it's not non existant just totally random and major gaps in between. (there were times even before all this that 3 months would pass with not so much as a kiss) we'll see what happens as h seems to wait a bit and then act on what I say in his way. plus there is the whole thing with him feeling that if I ask and then he acts right away it still isn't good enough because I had to ask..ie one night last week I was upset...questioning his love for me etc...h didn't know what to say so said alot of the wrong thing or nothing...the argument went on and on...till I finally said ...it would be very easy to stop all this...all you have to do when I say I feel this way is hug me and tell me you do care...you may not want to hug me but hugging me will make me feel better and then inturn you will feel better. by then it was obviously as h felt to late to give me that hug...so off I went back to bed..only to come back down and ask him to stand up and give me a hug. it really is all a bit ridiulous isn't it?
LL, try the sticky note thing. Why not? If he gets annoyed, then stop. You talked about doing some fun exercises out of the "crap" book. Why not make this fun? Why not ask him to do the same thing?
It's something different. IT'S A 180!!! Change the dynamic.
the night of our wedding my h gave me a pair of diamond earings... this christmas he gave me a new pair with slightly larger stones..shortly there after I lost a back to one of the original (sentimental) pair...and had left them on the window cill to remind myself to get a new back for it.
well while cleaning up lunch i ran the disposal heard a noise...son asks what's that noise..I said something must be in there..son says oh it's your glass things...he put them there cause he didn't like them. I kept fishing in the disposal for 5 min while in tears hoping to find them...nope but did find a mangled pair of loop earings that h had given me for my birthday last year.
I called h...h said we can get a new pair...I don't want a new pair...I already have a new pair...I don't know why my son does these things to me.
I appologized to h for being so emotional h said no need it's understandable and that he's going to finish up where he is and come right home to check the pipes to see if they may be there...I hope so but I doubt it...they are small and light and are probably gone. I had hoped to one day give them to my daughter perhaps on her 16th birhtday but now I will only have a pair that have no real meaning to pass on. i can't stop myself from continuing to search the disposal knowing full well they aren't there and I can't stop these foolish tears either.
well if nothing else...h's reaction does show me that he cares.
lostlove, i had no idea where you were coming from... now i do...
the book, that P.O.C.? you know I was just trying to relay my ambivalence to picking up a book for my H? It turns out to be a piece of gold, not doodoo .
what it did for me, was to see and mourn for my lost friend. it helped me remember the smallest thing... how cute he was on our first date, and how endearing his request to kiss me on our first date was... "The Seven Pricipals for Making Marriages Work" I think is the title. It's not pushy. It doesn't make the "leaver" feel bad at all. It paves the way back to feeling good without making the leaver really feel anything about all the negativity. Other books were making me feel bad. OR, making me angry because, damnit, WHERE THE HECK WAS MY FRIEND??? WHAT'S THE POINT WITHOUT FRIENDSHIP???? The worksheets are just exercises and the ones I've seen so far will guide me to knowing my H knows me. My H will know what's important to me. AND - my H will share his hopes & dreams with me.
It's funny to me that we've been together 12 years and have never spoken of retirement. I mean, I know we're young... but still... that little cabin on the lake? Whatever, like WillWin says, there's alot of work to do. But honestly, I feel like if this book can be our bible for a while, we'll be just fine. I feel like the hard part is over. Hopefully, i'm not just being manic, ya know?
I'm scared, in a way. I'm scared to commit because I've been so burned by the loss of friendship. He was trying desparately to own me. It was terrible. So, if he can be my friend, then we're golden. If he can't - well then, at least I tried.
imo - i would not do stickies in his pockets. i would not ask for any tokens of love. your H will give them when he feels them, but he will feel compelled not to if you ask cause he doesn't want to lead you on or give you hope he's not prepared to give. give your H this book. just keep telling him you're sorry, and try to keep your chin up... try to be goofy, try to smile.
LL, sorry about your earrings..a few years ago, before all this mess, I had cleaned my rings, and droped them in the kitchen..found all but the diamond.. it had bounced and fell through the kick board under sink..I searched everything around it, later after i went to bed, h was looking and saw the space under sink, and found it, brought it to me in bed, woke me up and everything..so I know the feeling. As far as yur h expressing feelings, I have always been shy about that, i did not grow up with any signs of affection being shown, so when h used to kiss me in public or try to hold hands in front of my family i was hesitant..i had gotten better as the years went by..but he has always been the initiater of those things..I have opened up alot the last few months..able to hug people more freely..give him some non threatening ideas to express himself if he doesn't seem to be able to get the cue from you.. Sue
does make a diff when you know where your posters are comming from and I understood the "piece of crap" bit about the book too!
so folks..you wont believe this one...h comes home gives me a big supportive hug...checks the u joint? and don't you know amognst the dirty water we ran through a seive we found two little diamonds!!!! not a scratch on them!! I can't believe the settings went but the diamonds stayed..h said "guess they weren't meant to be lost" I said thank you thank you thank you a million thank you's...h smiled and said your welcome a million welcomes!!! then another huge hug from h!!
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