Ahhhh, Liz! Can't even THINK about what I've been up to since I last talked to you. It's been a long, sloooow recovery w/H. I actually think that's a good thing because we're both using our brains. I thank God everyday that H is, at his core, an amazing, smart, thoughtful human being!!!
We're still in MC, and that's good. I've actually spent the past few months stating what I want and was missing from the M, real progress for me since I'd held off for so long and hadn't trusted that H would be receptive. I finally got to the point where I knew I needed to ask for what I wanted. I've also spent about the past month letting go of my feelings about LW (that whore H was writing letters to). Now, I've come a LOOOOONG way, but you can tell by the whore comment that I still have some work to do. I think that's more habit than anything....I really believe he's let go of those feelings. We talked about them in MC, and he finally admitted to his feelings last March or so.
I feel blessed. I've learned that staying lovingly detached is the best thing for my M. I don't take H's actions or feelings personally. I put myself and my happiness first--it's the best thing I can do for my M. If SD is feeling good, she can be supportive of H and fully engaged in the M.
I am happy, free of fear, hopeful, filled with joy. This is the result of DBing and the whole crappy mess we went through last summer. Worth it? You bet!
How's your journey been?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
You're such an inspiration SD... hope you're having a great weekend!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Wow....you have had a journey that is for sure!!! It is so awesome to hear all the work you have done!!! I guess I am having a problem with detaching from the past...trust is hard for me; I guess it is the fear that if h left once he could do it again...I am trying to work on it...one step at a time.
h has been so loving and supportive....I guess I need to get use to the new him and the new me...
H moved in with us in Jan. but we had been with each other every day up to that point. H said that he was always in love with me, but just so hurt from me being so distant....
I have been working lots....still at the nursing home...it is getting to take its tole...thinking of going to college..still working on growing and being my best....baby steps
I havent had much time for GAL...we are short staffed at work, and I have only a day off once in a while, and then I just lay in bed and rest this old tired body...but H lays with me..we watch tv..and cuddle..and that is new to our M...H never was much of a cuddle bear in the past...
But I am proud that I have made progress on ME....we finally got the internet...not to mention a phone...and I did it all my self..H isnt working right now...he is going back to school...so I guess you could say I have grown...still, I need to deal with these insecurities...any advice hon???
Wow....you have had a journey that is for sure!!! It is so awesome to hear all the work you have done!!! I guess I am having a problem with detaching from the past...trust is hard for me; I guess it is the fear that if h left once he could do it again...I am trying to work on it...one step at a time.
This was a really big problem for me up until about a month or two ago. I relived and remembered last summer every day of my life while H had pretty much moved past it. He was always so bewildered when I'd bring it up in MC. I finally got to the point where I was sick and tired of holding on to those fears and painful thoughts. H *is* different....and the truth is, holding on to those fears was just a way of trying to protect myself from getting hurt. And that's not possible!
The truth is, Liz, our H's could flip out again and leave. They could take up with some skanky ho and leave us at any time. It's completely out of our control. There are never any guarantees for anything, BUT, I DO know that by not letting go of the past, I am creating an environment where my fears more likely WILL come true. Holding on is like admitting that you NEED the other person, and that's not true. I CHOOSE H, but I don't NEED him to be happy.
I was in a journaling class all summer that focused on taking control of our lives and using journaling as a way to take on tough issues. I used a lot from there to help me out. One of my favorites is a T-chart (two-column chart) with one side labeled "In My Control" and the other side "Out of My Control". You list aspects of a particular situation on the T-chart, then you fold or tear the paper so that the out of my control portion can't be seen anymore. You then focus on what you can control...which is YOU and how YOU choose to act or feel.
Another strategy that helped me a lot was rewriting the story of last summer. Up until a few weeks ago, the story of last summer was all about pain and hurt and fear and disappointment. All of those amazing things that happened in my life were underplayed. SO, I rewrote the story focusing on all the gifts I was given as a result of last summer. I'm stronger, smarter, more patient, mostly fearless, new friendships, independence, etc. Simply shifting the way we look at things sometimes can be POWERFUL.
I've written love letters to myself, keep a gratitude journal (which is POWERFUL stuff--it helps you focus on what you're grateful for every day instead of all the negative stuff), etc. It's the best class, great tools I can use that fit perfectly into DBing. The class is on vacation right now, but we're going to start back up at the end of the month. I LOVE it.
So...that's a long-winded answer to your question. Essentially, the way to do it is to work on changing your mind, on letting go, on detaching again. THAT'S the danger of piecing, becoming dependent on someone else for your happiness.
How exciting that you and H are going back to school! What are you guys going to study? How is your D doing? Has she held onto any anger about her dad?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I am so going to start on your sugestions...love them!!!! I can use them for pressures at work too!!!
I have a day off today.....so this is so great to be able to come on and hear from you....I so missed the support and great advice!!!
D is good...she dealling great...and so are my sons...it took time for them to trust again...but we are all hanging out again. D made the B honor roll...so her school work was not effected, she does complain a bit about her dad and I hanging out alot in our room together (she use to be the number 1 focus)...but she is getting use to it.
So tell me how is the romance between you and H? Mine and H is awesome...love that ALOT!
My h said something very interesting.... he said that woman (must mean us left behinds) tend to keep asking questions of the past because we are worried it may happen again...where men (the walk aways) just want to put it behind them and get on with now...did you h say anything like that to you? I am just wondering if they are still reading the same manual???????
I will check back later... Thanks again hon!!!! I am going to resume the home work and work on me ...with your great ideas!!!
There are never any guarantees for anything, BUT, I DO know that by not letting go of the past, I am creating an environment where my fears more likely WILL come true. Holding on is like admitting that you NEED the other person, and that's not true. I CHOOSE H, but I don't NEED him to be happy.
I'm glad you posted this SD, and your comment about 'staying lovingly detached' being so important to your continuing R. One thing, even tho I'm not going to be piecing in this M, I worry that I will cripple myself w/ over-analyzing future Rs, etc. I don't want to be the person that assumes the worst case scenario whenever their partner needs space or takes space. Does that make sense? So this is a great reminder.
And as always, it's wonderful to see you doing so well...
Thanks for checking in, Julie! Glad I can help. Really, the staying detached piece is what has shocked me the most, but it's really about giving your S space and not putting the expectation for happiness on them. Space is good...I'm guessing that even you want some space sometimes. We can be comfortable with others' need for space when we are happy and comfortable with ourselves because we don't measure our happiness by our partner's actions.
You'll find a good guy, Julie. I've never met you, but your energy is incredibly positive and beautiful. It's gonna be a good life for you dear!
Ahh...I can't remember what I've posted lately, and I'm too lazy to go back and read, so I apologize if any of this is redundant.
About a year ago, my H was writing love letters to LW on our anniversary. I was working on PMA and GAL, and H and I pretty much were living separate lives. We weren't sharing a bed anymore. It wasn't fun.
A year later, however, things are different. I'm enjoying my H and our M. I *like* to see him and talk to him. We're partners for the first time in our M. We're considerate and loving toward each other, and we're both quick to apologize or check in if something seems amiss. Ego is very rarely seen in these parts, and I have almost completely stopped thinking about LW. I don't snoop anymore. I've even toyed with the idea of not posting or visiting here anymore, but I feel responsible for helping others the way people like Jeff and Cherrish helped me; Liz and Rob and I went through all of this together and had countless nights posting late late late; other folks I've bonded with and want to support....
H has planned a romantic trip for our anniversary, and I'm thrilled. It feels like both the end and beginning of something. In the past three weeks, H and I have both let go of SO much...and the energy is markedly different.
So, it only took from May 2006 to August 2007 to feel normal again. Not the old kind of normal, but this really awesome, new normal. That's what DBing does for you. It's not about fixing a M, it's about saving and discovering and loving yourself. And that's a precious, precious gift.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
