Plank/WAW, thread 2

[Heimlich]

Feeling back to normal after not being able to remain upright for the last few days. Other than the Saints looking awful tonight, feeling pretty good. Of course, they stunk last preseason too, so I'll take an awful preseason and a trip to the Superbowl any day.

So, sortof went with my gut a little bit last night and earlier today. Since my wife is firmly on the D-train engineer's seat, figured I didn't have much to lose.

Last night, went upstairs to get something or other from the bathroom (I'm sleeping in our basement). Thanked her for taking care of me Friday and all of Saturday and mentioned that we need to start thinking of what we need to tell our oldest D, who is asking why I'm sleeping in the basement (We've been telling her it's because I snow and it keeps mama awake, actually, pretty legitimate, I'm loud.) Regardless, I think she kind of knows something is up. W said, "I know," but no firm ideas. Let that drop, mentioned that I still think we're not giving our relationship a real chance. Didn't say too much, but she was hitting her inhaler (a little asthma, also hits it sometimes when she gets anxious). She said I had made her a little anxious, so I asked if if you're so sure of your decision, why do you get so anxious when I say I think we're making a mistake? No real answer.

So, still a little off-kilter this morning. Couldn't focus well enough to read the paper, sat outside for a little while with her (after watching Harvey as I woke up -- GREAT movie, highly recommend it. Elwood Dowd is my new model for detachment and acting as if. If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean.) Had some laughs, little idle chit-chat. No big deal.

She ran errands during the afternoon. When she got back, as she was unpacking groceries, I just asked her if I could talk for a few minutes. She said sure. I said I was a little confused about how to approach her. A lot of what I've read and thought says not to talk to you. You've said the same. At the same time, my gut says to fight for you, which when you told me the other day to tell you what my gut said, I did (first post on this thread). So, I said, I'm going with my gut. I don't want you to think that, if I'm quiet, that I'm OK with where we're going or that I've given up. I still want you in my life. I said I feel like I'm becoming the person that she married, but better. Said I'd like her help. That I think we are quitting and giving up on our M too soon, that focusing on each other, I still think we can have a great M, that better can come after worse. That I'm losing my best friend and it makes me sad. I told her that I did shut her out, but partly because I was afraid of her reactions toward me (dismissive on occassion when I showed a softer side in the past). We can always get a D. I know that your mind is made up and that's what scares me. I've finally figured out and understand how I've hurt you and made you feel, without input from you, and you've decided without talkign to me that it's over. If we go to D mediation (August 16), that will cement in your mind that our M is over. I'd just like to ask you for a chance. A real chance. Because you didn't give us one, and I want to be a true partner with you. I know that there's no guarantee that we'll still work, but I'd like to see for sure.

She said, again, that she didn't think I would have listened to her. I said it's a shame that we'll never know that.

She seemed open at the beginning, but I talked a little too long. She mentioned that she's thought a lot about her decision. I said that I know you have, but that I finally get it. Two months ago, I didn't. Now I do. I'm finally really at a place where I can be a good husband to you and we're never going to know for sure what could have been. That scares me. Again, all I'm asking you for is a chance.

She also mentioned the pushing for sex thing again. I told her that I didn't want to have sex with her. I paused and she kind of looked at me, 'That's a lie'. I said yeah and then she said, but I know what you mean.

Once we were finished, told her that was it. Thank you for listening.

I did say that she was right back in oct when we tried after the A (well, I said back when we started trying to fix this) -- just spending time together, going on dates, no pressure, and talking is how I'd like to proceed. Told her I would read for my sanity, but didn't expect her to.

Also that I didn't want things to be weird between us and that I'd like to talk and hang out and do things together (going to watch some episodes of Monk tomorrow night).

Not much interaction other than that. Few laughs here and there, but nothing major.

I know, I know. Don't do this. Really, this is it. I know that there's a chance to keep DBing after D mediation, but I know her and once she's there it's going to take a minor miracle to change things around. Plus, kind of felt like the right thing to do.

Anyway, feeling pretty good about where things are. Got my cards on the table. Think she finally really heard what I was saying without trying to interpret or filter it.

Fingers crossed,

BD