Do I want him back?

[forward]

I spent some time reading H's stories yesterday and began to think.

I did a lot of self-sacrificing in this relationsh8ip. I now realize this was a mistake and I should never have allowed it when he was unwilling to give much in return. But at the time it was a way I showed my love. Now I plan to have more healthy selfishness.

I think now that H has his own groupy, it is what he wants. Someone to be adoring and to control.

I, on the other hand, need a companion and friend. And I need reciprocity in particular--not to be taken for granted. I used to feel like a companion but it has been a very long time. I felt cut out of H's life piece by piece, and when I had D1 and really needed HIM--had postpartum depression, in a lot of pain, had lingering problems related to childbirth--he ran for the door as fast as he could and picked up the first pathetic kid he could find. I feel sorry for her. I suspect H's spell of being nice to her will be broken soon enough.

Today I had breakfast w/a male friend and I find myself thinking: there are men who ARE friends and who would be much more likely to be respectful and loyal.

Why should I keep trying? I am asking myself that question very seriously. Maybe this is a sign that I am letting go for real.

I bought a stereo today (ALL ABOUT ME), and I will nicely ask H to take some of the boxes of books I've packed up, esp. since he already took some of the best ones for himself (of course) and also took some of my CDs. I want to buy things for myself, things that reflect my own tastes and interests now. I like interesting things in the home, but I also like a clean, spare look, and I have definitely taken it on myself to rid myself of the tons of books we've acquired. I don't think it's possible to read these books again in a lifetime and I just want the ones that I might like to look at again.

I am also finding that I am starting to think about having my own home. Just daydreaming about buying a place for myself. I'm catching myself thinking about it a lot.

I guess I am thinking: has H been this way for longer than I cared to admit?

At any rate, I will never allow myself to be treated in such a way again.

I've tried, I've put money into counseling--ultimately H's response is needed. I am beginning to believe he will never want to try--certainly I don't envision him coming back on bended knee as he had an attitude even when we were dating. Moments here and there when he seemed to indicate that he prized me, but ultimately a lot of ways he also showed a lack of interest.

The bitch book (which I recommend) said "Men do not respond to words--they respond to no contact." Also talks about how to deal w/lack of respect (basically, call him on it and don't take it).

After so many years of being disrespectful, I am not sure I can see him being respectful.

But as the saying goes, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Sigh.

[ShadesofGrey]

Breton,

I seem to be at the same point you are. Although there is NOOOOO indication that my H would ever want to come back, I am not sure that I would want him back.

I too sacraficed so much of myself that it is frightening. I did it out of love. I did it to support my H's career and his needs and those of our family. Somewhere along the way I lost myself.

I have very good friends of both me and my H that say he was this way for so long. I didn't see it. In hindsight I can somewhat. But he was also loving and adoring, to a point.

Anyway, I wanted to stop by and say I'm glad you are doing things to make YOU happy. Embrace that. Be YOU and enjoy the heck out of it. Whatever the future holds will be beautiful if you are true to yourself.

Love,
Shades

[forward]

Thanks. I guess it is very normal to ask all these questions and it is likely part of the process of letting go. Whether this brings H back or not, I cannot say. I do not know how I even feel about possibility of him coming back, and to a certain extent I wonder if this just ruins any possibility altogether, sigh.

Today H came by and I was nice but preoccupied as I was busy assembling new stereo!!

I did ask him to look at the books that I'd boxed up. Said he didn't have space for them and would look at them tomorrow (which he will not--I would be surprised). I suggested renting storage space; said he couldn't afford it. Said he wasn't feeling well. I said that was too bad and he used to play tennis and felt better. Said he couldn't afford tennis any more (used to be in a club). I just said, Yes, I see, or something like that.

Didn't seem happy and half-dozed on the couch for a short while. He does seem to hang around a little longer each time--lately seems more in the 30-40 minute range instead of 15-20 minutes. I'm just continuing to box up stuff. I may hold off on that for a while, since I finally feel as if I have gotten a hold of some of the clutter in this place - books all over the floor made me annoyed.

Since D1 had toys all over too, I felt cramped and now I finally feel that getting rid of so much stuff (perhaps H included? TBD) was a good thing. I feel like I can breathe again.

H used to complain about the way I hung my clothes in the closet, very obsessive about things like the way the cup handles had to face. Just impossible standards. Now he has become a slob when he is here--I half-think it is resentment of me. But perhaps he is seeing that I do indeed make an effort to keep things nice. In fact, I am discovering I don't even mind the cleaning when I am not getting told how to do it. It is a way to keep my mind off things. I also am thinking the same thing about cooking: H complained so much about my cooking that I told him I would not do it any more.

(I hope OW is a REAL slob and also cannot cook as that may hasten the disintegration.) He used to make it out as if I am a complete slob--but actually I am more average to slightly on the neater side. Being told how to have cup handles face, shoes aligned in the closet, etc. got to be crazy after a while.

H had two offices, one of which I promptly converted to a guest room (which is the way it should have been anyway. In my humble opinion). I fixed up the other office with my things and got rid of some ugly pieces of furniture that I do not like.

I guess one reason I've found myself rather obsessed w/clearing and cleaning is because things have been H's way for such a long time. H was more into the way the house looked than most men, and I like having it look MY way now.

Someone pointed out that this may make H less comfortable there...but I feel good about showing my independence and being myself again.

In fact, it occurs to me that I have never really had a space of my own to decorate. Maybe that is why I am into it.

[forward]

Oh, and Shades, I wonder, too, if I am a little too self-focused and if, at this time, I am seeing mostly the negative in H because of the past few years.

[heartbreak2]

breton

do you think we get to this stage for we have looked at ourselves and realize what we want in a M and we reassess what we had and find out that it really was lacking a lot?

Communication was our biggest problem neither of us knew how to say what we felt.
Only wish I could now figure out how to fix that part of it.

being too self-focused and seeing the negative in H, I started that a few months ago just can't seem to snap out of it.
I am afraid it is going to ruin any attempt to reconnect with him.

I am going to have to read that book it sounds interesting.
do you think that they do not realize that they are disrespectful and that we let them get away with it for so long that it became a bad habit that could not be broken?

glad you are cleaning and taking care of you. Great that you got the stereo and are thinking of you !
I did the same for my bday I bought myself a new camera something I would have never splurged on and now can't imagine not having it.

we put them first for so long we forget that we exist at times.
hb2

[forward]

"do you think we get to this stage for we have looked at ourselves and realize what we want in a M and we reassess what we had and find out that it really was lacking a lot?"

I don't know. Maybe. I'm trying to decide what changed. Was he always so disrespectful? I will have to consider.

I must say, I was not very respectful of him in the end, but a lot of it was because H took me so for granted as I did so many things for him that I was pretty disgusted by the person he turned into. (Or that I turned him into? I don't know. Did I create a monster?)

The respect between us has improved. I think H may be realizing that my "easy" chores were not so easy.

[forward]

Bitch book is "Why Men Love Bitches."

[forward]

Well, I am about to go to the beach for a few days. Looking forward to it, although it's close to a place where we used to go. I think it bugged H that I was going without him.

He did sort through some books so I have another box to get rid of. I am feeling better about the lack of clutter and I think I can almost stop clearing things out now.

Besides, now I added some of my own stuff and bought a few CDs today.

[forward]

Oh--AND I am taking D1 with me to the beach.

H is alone in cramped apartment w/bipolar dream girl, with likely no one to talk to.

On the one hand, I feel sorry for him. But another part of me is glad. I feel guilty for feeling glad but I'm not going to deny that I do feel glad.

[celestial]

I`m glad you`re finding pleasure in your home. Make it cozy for you and the baby, but see that H feels comfortable enough so he may just want to spend more time there with you.

I also have the sorry/glad emotions about my H. I feel sorry for him because he`s in MLC, and I`m glad for me because I`m not. I onced asked my H to describe how MLC feels, and he said "anguish", so be glad we are basically of sounder minds than our H`s.

Have a great time at the beach, be yourself and have fun.

Enjoy
Celestial