So, she finally called. It was a pretty pathetic display, full of defensiveness and abject withholding. I kept my cool, though nothing is really 'solved'.
Not one apology, no offer of any kind of change from her. She told me she misses "Her House", told me there were no guarantees, and wanted to make sure that her coming back wasn't contingent on anything more.
Sucker.
She wants me back, and bad. She is far too proud to admit that she made a mistake, that this whole scenario is really her doing. I resisted the urge to point any of that out, just said that I had to put S's needs first in all this, and that I was concerned about the messages we send to him, both spoken and by example. I also said that "we" had not done a very good job with that to this point.
The biggest slip she made was when she said that if she could come back, she'd be willing to sleep in the spare bedroom, or even the couch if necessary. She probably doesn't realize it, but that one statement alone made it clear to me that what she really wants is to start waking up next to me again.
Anyway, I played it just as cool as I could. I told her that she had not really offered any kind of solution to anything. I told her that I was very aware that there were no guarantees, but the more she could tell me about her motivations or intentions, the easier it would be for me to make a decision. I also pointed out that some of her comments made it very difficult for me to know the kind of things she was even open to. And, I admitted, at this point I'm not really sure exactly what I am open to. either.
Honestly, I think I'm just going to tell her no. I will tell her that she is just having cold feet, that she has a new life now and should just get busy making it the best she can for herself. That ought to drive her nuts, and if she takes my advice maybe she'll leave me the heck alone.
I doubt she realized it, but she was very much looking for a fight tonight, some excuse to start blaming me again. I'm glad I didn't give it to her, but I don't know if I can continue to resist for long.
I ended the call by encouraging her to take care of herself, and recommending an over the counter product to help her over her current illness (either the same bug S had, or psychosomatic extensions of her deteriorating mental state).
In the background of our call, I had a cd playing that a friend of me gave me yesterday. It's a band called LCD Soundsystem, and the song I was playing just keeps saying over and over: "It's time to get away... It's time to get away... It's time to get away... From You!"
