I think what Deida was trying to get men to realize in that chapter is that women essentially wear out and can not do what much younger women do, and in a way, we should look for OTHER features in our wives.
Cemar, I actually feel sorry for you that you are not able to grasp the point of view Dieda has even if you don't agree with it.
What I thought he was actually saying is that while women lose their youthfulness, they also gain a knowledge, confidence and other characteristics that can also be very attractive and desired traits.
I just get this sense from his book that what he is trying to get men to do is to LOWER their own desire level so that the women can actually handle us.
IMO Deida is trying to get men to see themselves from their own POV and to feel good about themselves regardless of how their women react. And in the end that confidence is what will attract your wife's desire AND create the desire in her.
Please give a quote from Deida which you believe shows that he wants to lower men's desire because I don't get that impression at all.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
So if you admit you don't understand Deida's MAIN POINT. Here is what I believe that Deida's main point is, that men should have goals outside of their wifes that they should pursue. They should have purpose. That this will give the men "essential" happiness (Deidas own words). This is not FULFILLING happiness, this is not complete happiness, this is BASIC happiness. By doing so, the man can possible get the reward, which is a desirous woman. If not, then maybe he chose poorly and must move on to the next women, in effect to keep searching for the "reward".
?? So you truly think that the only reason men need women is to make them happy?? Why would I want a woman for those traits which will make me unhappy? There are obviously things that women can do for men that ATTRACT us, and those things that attract us make us happy. I can't imagine being drawn to someone for traits that make me LESS happy.
Sure I completely understand how great it feels to be desired. I just don't understand how you can't have an acceptable level of happiness without it. Never said that you couldn't. But the difference between these 2 levels of happiness is HUGE. The big problem is the chemicals of love and desire. You could be the best Deida man possible and you will never replicate the highs of being desired by a woman, you can't even come close. Sex won't even do it. So why aim LOW?
As for goals superior to a womans desire, what are they? What Could I possibly do in life that will EXCEED the highs that you get from being desired?
IMO Deida is trying to get men to see themselves from their own POV and to feel good about themselves regardless of how their women react. I agree on this, "Wild at Heart" does the same. But Deida also makes it clear that if she does not desire you, don't let that bother you, but instead, DUMP her and try again.
And in the end that confidence is what will attract your wife's desire AND create the desire in her. You just identified the ULTIMATE goal, which everyone is trying to say is NOT the ultimate goal. What Deida is trying to do in his books is to get men to focus only on what they can control, but at the same time, by doing so, the hope is that this will cause what you describe. We're playing word games here, don't see her desire as your goal, aim lower at thsoe things that you do control, but the reward that you REALLY want is her desire. So in effect, the final goal is her desire, just don't ADMIT it.
But Deida also makes it clear that if she does not desire you, don't let that bother you, but instead, DUMP her and try again.
Where does he say this?
Here's what I found in "The Way of the Superior Man":
Page 63: "A man gets resentful and frustrated with his woman when he is too afraid, weak or unskilled to penetrate her moods and tests of love."..."A man shouldn't tolerate bitchy and complaining moodiness in his woman, but he should serve and love her with every ounce of his skill and perseverance. Then if she cannot or will not open up in love, he might decide to end his relationship with her, harboring no anger or resentment, because he knows he has done everything he could."
Page 151: "This is exactly what a mediocre man does: He stays with a woman or project as long as they interest him and turn him on. When the excitement seems to wear off, he moves on..."
Page 151:" although both of you are playing into this downward spiral of endarkening depolarization, you MUST NOT blame her. A superior man always assumes complete responsibility, knowing that ultimately, he has no control at all... He acts with impeccable courage and persistence, expecting NOTHING but the inherent feeling of completeness he enjoys in the fullest giving of his gift."
page 153: " Sometimes you must move on, to another job or another woman. That's fine, IF it is a true movement of growth: clear empowering and an aspect of ongoing giving of your gift. But, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, your first impulse to move on comes when you have ceased invading the moment with your fullest capacity to give and are instead DRONING along, coping rather than creating"..."rather than deciding to move on because you are TOO WEAK to overcome your own neutralized lack of desire, try to take on the challenge of manifesting love in the dreary world and in your dreary woman."
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
By doing so, the man can possible get the reward, which is a desirous woman.
This is YOUR theory Cemar. Which is fine but make sure you identify as so because I doubt that Deida would agree.
As for goals superior to a womans desire, what are they? What Could I possibly do in life that will EXCEED the highs that you get from being desired?
Saving lives (a la Policemen, firemen, doctors, etc) Protecting people (Policeman, military, etc.) Serving the public Serving the Lord Being a moral and ethical person
There are men (and women) that serve a purpose that they feel is a higher purpose than their spouses.
Seriously Cemar are you saying that you would do something immoral or unethical IF it would result in having a woman desire you??
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
You qoute Then if she cannot or will not open up in love, he might decide to end his relationship with her, harboring no anger or resentment, because he knows he has done everything he could."
I said But Deida also makes it clear that if she does not desire you, don't let that bother you, but instead, DUMP her and try again.
Did we not just say the same thing, just with different words?
Saving lives (a la Policemen, firemen, doctors, etc) Protecting people (Policeman, military, etc.) Serving the public Serving the Lord Being a moral and ethical person
These are wonderful goals. But are you saying that doing these would produce a chemical rush that is comparable to the chemical rush of real passion with a desirous woman? Real passion in marriage produces huge changes in the human body, which makes for probably the most pleasureable thing a human can do, I just don't see anything that can replicate that.
Ok so Deida is right dump her because she's frigid old and used up. Go find a younger woman who will give you the ultimate chemical rush. Your obviously never going to get your fix from the woman your with. After 18 years and all the things you have tried to get her to open up. I think you've done your time, time to move on.
Are you going to work on yourself more? Are you going to separate/divorce on the chance that you will find your perfect (or close to perfect) mate?
Chances are you can find a new relationship which is more sexually satisfying but is lacking in other areas. As long as you can look in the mirror and say "I've done all I can to improve myself. I cannot change HER, but I've improved me all I can so now it's time to make that choice."
What's your choice? Take your time, you have the rest of your life if you want to but don't whine about being stuck. You have control of your sex life, not your wife. If you want improvement and she doesn't then it narrows your choices considerably. What are you going to do?
Well, I am here at least for 7 more years. I am not looking for the perfect mate, I am looking for a NORMAL mate. The question is are HD woman normal mates or are LD woman normal mates. I have a feeling that LD is normal unfortunately.
