OT-- BFF called H because I scared the crap out of her. She is on my call list. She ended up telling H that she didn't think that I would live through this (and I often feel just that way, although I will stay on the planet because of the kids). She wants nothing else than to see us back together. She asked if I wanted her to call him last night, and I said ok...(note to self: hearing my message through someone else pisses him off as much as if I were to call him--will not do that again).
I had to pick up S from the apt. It is all the same stuff...I simply can't be around him at all anymore. I told him that I will be staying in the car from now on when picking up and dropping off.
He just said that he is not coming home anytime soon. When he gets home from work to the apt, he feels at peace, he can relax. He can't do that around me. And I know why. I tried to explain the compulsion--that I feel like I am dying inside, and that I am so afraid that I will loose the will to live without him. That I could wait forever, but can't face any finality. He will not promise me that he will be coming home in six months, even if I get completely off of his radar.
I told him that I wish I could do with him what I did with my sister--I knew that begging and pleading would not change the way that she felt, that I was sad but accepted that she had to go and her reasons (even if I didn't agree with them). She left.
Three years ago. And has never looked back. I am so afraid.
He said that he has a lot to look back to.
I asked if he would feel like this if he were to stop seeing CW. He said that if she decided to go back to her husband tomorrow, he would simply accept it and move on. The only people that he feels the way I do over are the kids. He said he just doesn't feel the same way about me as I him. I said that you did love me, once. He said if he loved me like this, how could we be where we are?
I told him that there is no other on this Earth who I would ever want--he is special above all others. I gave him my heart, and it was forever. Even after all of this. He said that after this, I could find better. No! Oh, OT, I wish you knew this man. You would understand why I hold on...
He said that if he were to come back now, we would only switch roles--I would be content, and he would not survive. I asked him if he felt like this when it was bad for him in the M. He admitted that it wasn't to this extent. I told him that I would do whatever he needed, give him whatever he needed. I just want a second chance; why can't he forgive me? He said that he has to figure this out, alone. He offered to talk to me, but not when the kids are around. I said that it is not all bad that they see me cry every now and then (it's not often)--that they know that this is important, there are feelings that are ok to feel, and that we are trying very hard. I can't make them think that this is all ok, normal. It's not.
He wants to be friends, be able to talk and not have this come up in every convo. I don't know if I can do that, at least right now.
He said that my C is not doing it for me--that I have to find someone or something to help me get through this. I told him that I have even been to a psychiatrist. There is no one who can help me more than what they are already doing. There is only one way for this to end for me. He said great, now I have to worry about you hurting yourself again? No, not while I have the kids, I said. They are honestly the only things keeping me here right now.
I have to develop the As If attitude for myself. I may be setting myself up for a much bigger fall, but I don't know how else to get through this. I will become scarce and mute for six months. If he does not show any signs by the new year...either I will have gotten used to life like this, or I will check out. I can't let go of him, but I can let go of me.
