Do I want him back?

[forward]

Thanks. I guess it is very normal to ask all these questions and it is likely part of the process of letting go. Whether this brings H back or not, I cannot say. I do not know how I even feel about possibility of him coming back, and to a certain extent I wonder if this just ruins any possibility altogether, sigh.

Today H came by and I was nice but preoccupied as I was busy assembling new stereo!!

I did ask him to look at the books that I'd boxed up. Said he didn't have space for them and would look at them tomorrow (which he will not--I would be surprised). I suggested renting storage space; said he couldn't afford it. Said he wasn't feeling well. I said that was too bad and he used to play tennis and felt better. Said he couldn't afford tennis any more (used to be in a club). I just said, Yes, I see, or something like that.

Didn't seem happy and half-dozed on the couch for a short while. He does seem to hang around a little longer each time--lately seems more in the 30-40 minute range instead of 15-20 minutes. I'm just continuing to box up stuff. I may hold off on that for a while, since I finally feel as if I have gotten a hold of some of the clutter in this place - books all over the floor made me annoyed.

Since D1 had toys all over too, I felt cramped and now I finally feel that getting rid of so much stuff (perhaps H included? TBD) was a good thing. I feel like I can breathe again.

H used to complain about the way I hung my clothes in the closet, very obsessive about things like the way the cup handles had to face. Just impossible standards. Now he has become a slob when he is here--I half-think it is resentment of me. But perhaps he is seeing that I do indeed make an effort to keep things nice. In fact, I am discovering I don't even mind the cleaning when I am not getting told how to do it. It is a way to keep my mind off things. I also am thinking the same thing about cooking: H complained so much about my cooking that I told him I would not do it any more.

(I hope OW is a REAL slob and also cannot cook as that may hasten the disintegration.) He used to make it out as if I am a complete slob--but actually I am more average to slightly on the neater side. Being told how to have cup handles face, shoes aligned in the closet, etc. got to be crazy after a while.

H had two offices, one of which I promptly converted to a guest room (which is the way it should have been anyway. In my humble opinion). I fixed up the other office with my things and got rid of some ugly pieces of furniture that I do not like.

I guess one reason I've found myself rather obsessed w/clearing and cleaning is because things have been H's way for such a long time. H was more into the way the house looked than most men, and I like having it look MY way now.

Someone pointed out that this may make H less comfortable there...but I feel good about showing my independence and being myself again.

In fact, it occurs to me that I have never really had a space of my own to decorate. Maybe that is why I am into it.