It's going to be a bumpy ride

[NikB]

Agent99 - sorry if some of this is a repeat, figured I'd just go through your questions.

What would I have done differently? Gone darker, I think. I never went all that long without talking to him. Also being more mysterious about what I was doing. I was a pretty open book. It wasn't really "equal" to what he was doing. 90% of the time I had no idea where he was or what he was doing - and yet when he came over and we got talking, I'd tell him every detail practically. And he was interested, so that was ok - but it just made it feel less "real" as a separation I think.

Yes, he totally agrees. He's the one who said that - that he knew he could come back any time, and now he kinds of resents ME for not making him work harder to come home. The couple of times he seemed a bit "nervous" were when I took a weekend trip away to visit my bro (and showed him pics later in which I looked very happy and relaxed, he commented on it). And the second time was when I took a girls trip to San Diego with some of the ladies from this board. Taking a vacation? Without him? Driving 11 hours alone, to meet up with people I'd never met in person?? It threw him for a loop, for sure. (and it was SUCH a great trip, too!).

The time requirement... you know, I don't really know. Just long enough that it felt respectful. I never figured out what that would be exactly. I guess whatever you'd expect/want your friends to do. Part of that's just a difference between us too - H is very much a "drop by and visit" person where I feel like I need to call people at least a few hours ahead. So I probably should have asked for that for myself, too. It's really about YOUR comfort level though.

Also a funny thing - the first time he came over and was in the garage he knocked and asked if he could use the bathroom. I told him he didn't need to knock, just come in. I was actually fine with that - but I do wonder if it would have been a more definite "line" to make him knock first. He did come by once without calling and I gently reminded him that he's supposed to call, and he got really upset and down. I think it really hit home what he was doing. I should've done more of that (for both of our sakes).

Ohh definitely make plans not to be home! Don't just fake something though - find something to do, and go do it! And of course, look fantastic when you leave the house. I mentioned it on Morgan's thread so you might have seen it, but try meetup.com.

About the hanging around thing... yeah, that's exactly why I mentioned it is your sitch seems so similar to mine about 7-8 months ago. H never "conned" me really. Sex was one major issue in our marriage - a big 180 just before the bomb was me - uh - taking care of a health issue that was really interfering with our sex life for a LOOONG time, and getting a lot more "into" sex. So it was weird when he moved, I was torn between continuing to show him that I had fixed this problem, vs. losing respect for myself by doing this while he wasn't committed. It was VERY clear when he was pursuing me, though. I think what I should've done was gone as far as I might have on, say, a 2nd date that was going really well. Maybe kisses, starting to go "a little too far" and then, in a flirty way saying something about it being too soon, something like that. Not in a mean way like "Hey you moved out, so forget it buddy!" - but more a date that's pushing things a little too far (but you still really like them, just not ready to go there yet!). Does that make ANY sense??

I'm not sure if he'd have asked to stay if I hadn't offered. Once I offered the first time, he did ask fairly often. It'd get late and he's just say "Soo is it ok if I stay here tonight?" I always said yes. And I don't think that's even all bad - it's a nice reminder of what you two have together! But just make sure it's really, deep down, ok with you. Best way of saying no I think is honestly saying what you feel and need. "I'm not comfortable having you stay here" is all you should need.

On the friend thing - ha, I'm sorry, I forgot that you don't know all 19 of my threads... . Yes, he had a "friend" from work. I tried all last year to be friends with her - she was just rude, degrading towards women, and she throws herself all over men (especially ones who are in a questionable "place" in their M). She's really nasty... "helped" 5 or so men get D'd last year. Nice. Anyway I finally got enough backbone to refuse to be around her myself starting last October/November. But I should have confronted the issue way early on, when I first kind of had a hint something was wrong. At THAT point I think we had a good shot at fixing our issues - but by going along with this "friendship" as I did, it made it easy for H to do so, and it just went too far. I still believe him they never slept together but it's a major EA - and lately, he's sucked back in again.

I totally agree that it's good to be friends with your WAS. Just not the person your WAS is screwing around with. Sorry for the confusion there.

Good luck tonight. I'm going to a BBQ but will try to check in on you later. Stay strong.