it's snowing and of course h needs to plow however the snow isn't supposed to end till somewhere around 11pm. h left about 11am and didn't plan to come home, intended to stay at his apartment and then go out plowing from there. of course this disturbs me and further sends the message to me that h just doesn't want to be with me.
I let him know ok fine we'll see you tommorow night then. h says what do you mean I said I'll be home sometime in the morning (I know how these storms work) anyway another session of me talking and h with nothing to say.
I let h know how it is that I feel and how what he says and doesn't say re-enforce what I feel and unlike he thinks it is not isolated insident after all I would be a hypocrite if I was just mad because he went out sat night...that it is a compilation of things said and not said done and not done. let him know that what seems to be the only way for me to survive in this r is to just shut down..to accept that my h doesn't want to talk to me to be with me or to "be" with me but that doing that may lead to trouble as I am a fun person, attractive, smart, likeable, sexy etc...and once I leave this house to go to work etc...someone is sure to notice that and what then do I do...say no I am married and accepting the fact that my desire to be wanted and needed and desired aren't being fullfilled but I accept it??
h says he's trying? I say h all I'm asking is that you talk to me..there never seems to be a good time so I say why not go to a c..that would be shceduled time to talk..do I want to drag up old baggage? no...I simply want to sit down and find out how we can each make the other happy...as it seems neither one of us wants to leave so since we don't want to leave why not do something to make it so we are happy?
told him I am done trying...I will live my life for me...h said nothing and so I said goodnight h.
h said he would call later to say goodnight to the kids.
the phone rang saw that it was h so I gave son the phone...
son daddy are you comming to my house? son drops phone on the floor
I give phone to dd who says bla bla bla and then walks away..
h asks what sons problem is... son is 3 that's what his problem is...I just said he wanted you to come home.
well h says he's leaving in a half hour and will be home...he'll wait out the storm here and then go out. thing is that both kids will already be asleep by the time he gets here so why come as he wont be here when they wake and I've already told him I'm done??
I scratch my head and wonder WTF????
I still plan to paint tonight...I have nothing left to say to h.
ball dropped.
I don't get it, h only wants to be with me when I give up??? when I say that I will be ok without him, that I don't need him? it baffles me truly baffles me.
LL who doesn't have an alien on her hands but a real weirdo!!
