It's going to be a bumpy ride

[Trixi]

While your H was moved out- were there any boundaries you set and shifted? If so, what were they and what do you wish you had done differently? What do you think precipated your H's return? And how do you differentiate between being loyal and a doormat?

Well... I didn't quite understand boundaries. Still really struggling with it, actually. But just some examples of things I wish I'd done differently:

- Insisted more on H calling me in advance when he came over. He usually called - but sometimes when he was all of 10 minutes away. I was usually so glad to see him I didn't really push it.

What sort of time requirement would have put in place?

- Hung around the house too much, just because he was here. He's really into racing/cars and all his tools and stuff were here, so we had a deal that the garage was basically "his" even during the sep. But I'd sometimes change my plans just to be around when he was here... not healthy.

Heh- I probably will have to trump up plans to not be here. Since both my businesses are run out of my house. This is great! Your handy hints are really helping me prepare for things that if they just "happened" I would probably mess up.

- Should not have had sex with him after he moved out.. or at least not until he started kinda coming around and pursuing me again. Maybe flirted, hinted, but I shouldn't have continued with it as if nothing was wrong.

This is exactly what I need to hear. I can so totally see me falling into this. All his stuff is going to be here at the garage, plus A LOT of his personal stuff since he is going to be moving back here regardless of whether or not we get back together. It would be very easy for him to "need" something and then me hang around.

I can also see him conning me into having sex with him. He would probably be "needy" and affectionate...In retrospect, how far would you allow "affection" to go? Was it crystal clear to you when he was actually persuing you? (As opposed to just feeling lonely and trying to get in your pants?)

- He stayed here a lot of nights - and I made that very easy. He'd be working in the garage, it'd get late, I'd say "Hey you can just stay here if you want." It sent the message that I was always here, that even if he was off having his "single life" most of the time, he could always come home.

Yup. If you hadn't offered, do you think he would have asked? If he had asked, what would have been the best way to handle saying 'no'?

What it all really added up to was two problems:

1. Not making the sep hard enough. We lived apart but I wouldn't say we ever really truly separated. Is that good or bad?

2. Further loss of self-respect on my part - and likely, H losing respect for me. Bad enough I never pushed him on the "friend" issue early on,

What do you mean by that? Friends with you? Did he have a special "friend"?

but now I'm willing to sleep with him, go out with him, cook him dinner sometimes, etc. when he's not even committed to me?? (yuck)/quote]

A lot of the DB/DR "wisdom" is that we're supposed to be best friends to our WAS. Do you agree? Do you think you just took your 'friendship' with him too far?

[quote]Doormat to me is basically when you're acting in a way that is not respectful and loving towards yourself. Including allowing your H to get away with that. You can be nice, friendly, but detached, and still keep your self respect intact. Make him "win" you back if that's what he decides he wants. Loyal is different - it's that deep down love that you have and keep with you, but WITHOUT letting yourself be hurt further or treated badly.

I hope I'm making some kinda sense.. it's a confusing thing, I know.

I am so totally loving this- it's like a breath of fresh air; especially since we are similar with regard to shifting boundaries. I imagine that a lot of LBS have this same problem; this is a real blow to our self esteem.