It's going to be a bumpy ride

[NikB]

While your H was moved out- were there any boundaries you set and shifted? If so, what were they and what do you wish you had done differently? What do you think precipated your H's return? And how do you differentiate between being loyal and a doormat?

Well... I didn't quite understand boundaries. Still really struggling with it, actually. But just some examples of things I wish I'd done differently:

- Insisted more on H calling me in advance when he came over. He usually called - but sometimes when he was all of 10 minutes away. I was usually so glad to see him I didn't really push it.

- Hung around the house too much, just because he was here. He's really into racing/cars and all his tools and stuff were here, so we had a deal that the garage was basically "his" even during the sep. But I'd sometimes change my plans just to be around when he was here... not healthy.

- Should not have had sex with him after he moved out.. or at least not until he started kinda coming around and pursuing me again. Maybe flirted, hinted, but I shouldn't have continued with it as if nothing was wrong.

- He stayed here a lot of nights - and I made that very easy. He'd be working in the garage, it'd get late, I'd say "Hey you can just stay here if you want." It sent the message that I was always here, that even if he was off having his "single life" most of the time, he could always come home.

What it all really added up to was two problems:

1. Not making the sep hard enough. We lived apart but I wouldn't say we ever really truly separated. Is that good or bad?

2. Further loss of self-respect on my part - and likely, H losing respect for me. Bad enough I never pushed him on the "friend" issue early on, but now I'm willing to sleep with him, go out with him, cook him dinner sometimes, etc. when he's not even committed to me?? (yuck)

Doormat to me is basically when you're acting in a way that is not respectful and loving towards yourself. Including allowing your H to get away with that. You can be nice, friendly, but detached, and still keep your self respect intact. Make him "win" you back if that's what he decides he wants. Loyal is different - it's that deep down love that you have and keep with you, but WITHOUT letting yourself be hurt further or treated badly.

I hope I'm making some kinda sense.. it's a confusing thing, I know.