Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

And it just gets more and more difficult...or maybe I'm just CRAZY!!!

H came home last night around 8 pm and to say it's been awkward since then is an understatment. He told me that he was with OW (both Fridays) and his plan this past Friday night was to leave me. She came to pick him up and she took him back to her place...gag...

So why the change of heart, right? My sentiments exactly. After much too much R talk, it comes down to this: H does not want to get divorced. Plain and simple. Doesn't want a divorce. H said he loves me and doesn't want to live without me. BUT he also said that he loves OW. He said he cannot live a double life of lieing to me and seeing her. Loving two woman at once etc.

So, it comes down to this: I really don't know what to do. My mom thinks H and I should divorce. I think I've been fighting for this for so long I fell out of love with him. Could I possibly be the one saying ILYBNILWY??!! How did this happen?

Through our talks I did gain some insight into our M. According to H he hasn't had any contact with OW all summer (all 3 of us are teachers and have the summer off. H and OW work at the same school). Then he just started missing her so he sent her a text, after drinking heavily one night. Then last Friday he missed her so badly he went to her house. I was upset this whole past week with him walking out the first friday and the whole thing with him keeping her letters I was kinda distant. I was giving him the space I thought he and I needed. I was kind, caring, etc but I just didn't dote on him, ya know? Well he interpreted that as me not caring or wanting him around, so he decided to go hook up with hoochy mama...

When H brought this up to me, I told him that I could not and would not own his A, at all. His decisions are his decisions. H said, I know, I'm just trying to tell you how I feel...

LONG story short I said that he could stay if 1) he quit his job 2) we both went to counseling (IC and MC) 3) we go to Retrouvaille. H agreed to most of it. As I stated earlier I called an SBT yesterday - for me. I have to call about Retrouvaille - will do that tomorrow. H said he is going to speak with Pastor this week and quit his job this week. H said he didn't want to go to a counselor yet - and he wants MC to wait until after Retrouvaille.

Have any of you gone through Retrouvaille AND counseling? Was one more beneficial than the other? Should both be done? Should only one be done?

So, there you have it. I'm annoyed, angry, pissed off, irritated, confused, disillusioned, confused, confused, confused...I feel some peace that he has come back but I'm not happy about it. Is that normal? Or am I just comfortable with having him around? I guess I just want the guarantee that he is really here for good and that 3 months from now I'm not going to go through this again. Have any of you ever experienced this?