There and Back

[SallyM]

some wtf's, courtesy of me to my h.

1) wtf, H, why are you mad at ME because you aren't living here? you've said you don't want to work on the marriage, that you don't want me, so why would you live here?

2) wtf, H, why are you complaining because you don't get to go to the gym all the time and I do. some consolation prize. and actually, you can, you just have to drive down to it...or get a guest pass for the ones closer to you.

3) wtf, H, why do you want to chat with me like a friend, but then treat me like an enemy?

4) wtf, H, why do you continue to lie to me about OW? does it really matter at this point? what purpose is it serving? seriously, you say you don't want me, that you don't love me anymore, so why not just be upfront about the fact that you are, indeed, seeing her? I mean, good god, man, you have her freaking keys on your keyring...do you think for one minute that anyone in the world would think otherwise? not to mention you full on admit to verbally socializing with her. why not just acknowledge that your love life/your sex life is alive and well. doesn't matter here in the great state of MA, so why????

5) wtf, H, why do you have to turn me into the villain here? Why does it matter if I am not acting as you do? Just accept your own choices, and leave me to mine.

6) wtf, H, why go to therapy at all if all you are going to do is externalize everything, and take responsibility for nothing?

7) wtf, H, if you are not going to try to save this marriage, why, why, why can't you do anything to end it? seriously...why smirk/cough/avoid discussion when I mention getting the house ready to sell. I'm a realist with stuff like this. If you are going to be a total ass to your WIFE, then why not at least have the decency to do something in order to make me more comfortable, rather than less comfortable, with the inevitable. why make things harder than they have to be?

[SallyM]

alright, got that out of my system. have been outside with the kids all day and really doing some journaling/reflecting (when I get that odd free moment of them all playing harmoniously). I just called H, determined to ask him a couple of questions. thankfully, he didn't answer. I say thankfully because I know I am being a bit impulsive here. he called back and I didn't answer...going to post them here and see what you think. should I or shouldn't I?

1) What do you want?
2) what do you want from me?
3) what do you see in your future?
4) what are you doing to make what you want happen? (yes, I even mean if the answer is, to be with her)

[NikB]

Hey Morgan,

I've followed your posts off and on, hope I can help some.

First off: SLOW DOWN. I totally understand where you're coming from, you want to know what happened, what he wants, and you want it NOW. If you want a D, then file it. Otherwise, slow down, step back, and just forget about the M for awhile. Seriously.

All those questions - he doesn't have an answer to those right now. If you push him to make something up, he will, and he's not going to like the pressure AT ALL so you will most likely push him very quickly in the direction that you don't want.

You're assuming and expecting so much in regards to your H right now - instead, stop assuming and stop expecting anything (including expecting him not to hurt you, or to care if he hurts you). This isn't about you right now - it's about HIM.

Try to step back and be a "fly on the wall" who knows neither person, during some of your interactions. Or try getting into H's head (not as your H, just as a man who is confused) - see things from another perspective.

And then - stop obsessing about where H is, what he's doing, whether he's having sex with OW or not. Just focus on yourself, on all the other parts of your life outside of the M/R. It's the only part you can control, anyway.

[SallyM]

nikki, breathing in, breathing out. will print your post and remind myself of the wisdom in it. just really tired of the limbo. tired of letting him treat me like this. but then again, not ready to file myself. so until I am, just shift my focus. I need to...its just hard.

thank you.

[Astimegoeson]

Morgan, out of curiosity, how often does your H have the kids?

[789]

Morgan, just read all your question up a bit on your thread, did you steal those from my mind and just insert (h) in place of (w)?
It is tough living in limbo, but at the moment as long as we want our spouses back that is part of what we have to do now. Nikki's post was correct in all accounts, and especially about obsessing, it is my hardest part not to do, but I just keep fighting that feeling.
Good Luck

[SallyM]

astimegoeson, H comes over to stay with the kids tuesday mornings while I go to therapy, wedn after 3 (after he has therapy) usually until they go to bed (at 7), and then picks them up mid-late friday afternoon and takes them to his mom's (where he's living) until sunday morning. we both feel its important for the kids to see him a lot, for him to be a part of their life. if he takes the new job, this will likely change, since it will be an office job (he has a home office currently, so a lot of flexibility). honestly, when school starts, it will change anyway...the twins will only be in preschool for 2.5 hours/2x a week, and the eldest will be in part day kindergarten, so still room for visits, but it will have to vary. and if/when I ever go back to work, that too will change things. but for now, it works. I miss them terribly, but they need him, too. at least he isn't a total dick to them, he reserves that for me. oh the joy.

789, glad to have people understand. it is so freaking hard, I want to pull out my hair.

I did good, though, he kept calling and finally I answered (we were outside, so easy excuse for missing the calls earlier). I made something up for why I called....well, didn't make it up, just switched it, has to do with my sister and her kids coming into town and switching up some visitation.

[Astimegoeson]

OK Morgan, you have time to GAL with the visitation schedule, so you need to take advantage of that free time and find things to occupy your mind besides your marriage.

Think big and go for larger GAL activities. The more obsessing over your M, the more GAL you need to do. Your probably the type that needs lots of bells and whistles to keep you occupied, interested and entertained, so go for it. Find something that requires you to focus all your attention on and allows you to stop thinking of your H.

The only way to break out of that limbo (which everyone is familiar with) is to super size your GAL activities. You want to get to a place where your to busy and or occupied to care what H is doing.

[SallyM]

I know you are right, astimegoesone (seriously, gonna figure out how to shorten that). not sure I need a lot of bells and whistles (hmmm, trying to figure that out, actually, I like to think of myself as fairly easy going). I have gone large lately with my gal activities...went to nyc last weekend (or the previous one, I'm losing track), went to nh this weekend. I like it when I make plans to get me out of the house, but still have some time to chill on my own. the problem is, most people I know are married...in fact, everyone I know is. so they have their lives, ya know?

okay, you are right, stop obsessing about my M, and start planning lots of GAL activities. even when they are on my own. I do have some stuff coming up, which is nice.

[NikB]

You're welcome morgan. I know it's so hard - I've been through a helluva lot in my life and this has been the hardest, by a long shot. Glad you have some stuff coming up to do.

Did I ever mention meetup.com to you?? I bet you have some good groups near you. Meetup.com is great - you can search for all kinds of interests, and join groups of people who share your interests. The organizers for the groups plan various events that you can go to. It's a lot of fun! It does tend to be a lot of single or separated people, but unless you specifically join a single or dating group that's not what the focus is. Just for example last week I went to a movie with the "Local Professionals" group (people 20s-40s who want social activities). Tonight I am most likely going to a Carribean BBQ hosted at someone's house, with the cooking group. When you start running into the same people at different interest groups it's great - you know you have things in common and have a possible new friend there. Might be worth a try...