Do I want him back?

[forward]

I spent some time reading H's stories yesterday and began to think.

I did a lot of self-sacrificing in this relationsh8ip. I now realize this was a mistake and I should never have allowed it when he was unwilling to give much in return. But at the time it was a way I showed my love. Now I plan to have more healthy selfishness.

I think now that H has his own groupy, it is what he wants. Someone to be adoring and to control.

I, on the other hand, need a companion and friend. And I need reciprocity in particular--not to be taken for granted. I used to feel like a companion but it has been a very long time. I felt cut out of H's life piece by piece, and when I had D1 and really needed HIM--had postpartum depression, in a lot of pain, had lingering problems related to childbirth--he ran for the door as fast as he could and picked up the first pathetic kid he could find. I feel sorry for her. I suspect H's spell of being nice to her will be broken soon enough.

Today I had breakfast w/a male friend and I find myself thinking: there are men who ARE friends and who would be much more likely to be respectful and loyal.

Why should I keep trying? I am asking myself that question very seriously. Maybe this is a sign that I am letting go for real.

I bought a stereo today (ALL ABOUT ME), and I will nicely ask H to take some of the boxes of books I've packed up, esp. since he already took some of the best ones for himself (of course) and also took some of my CDs. I want to buy things for myself, things that reflect my own tastes and interests now. I like interesting things in the home, but I also like a clean, spare look, and I have definitely taken it on myself to rid myself of the tons of books we've acquired. I don't think it's possible to read these books again in a lifetime and I just want the ones that I might like to look at again.

I am also finding that I am starting to think about having my own home. Just daydreaming about buying a place for myself. I'm catching myself thinking about it a lot.

I guess I am thinking: has H been this way for longer than I cared to admit?

At any rate, I will never allow myself to be treated in such a way again.

I've tried, I've put money into counseling--ultimately H's response is needed. I am beginning to believe he will never want to try--certainly I don't envision him coming back on bended knee as he had an attitude even when we were dating. Moments here and there when he seemed to indicate that he prized me, but ultimately a lot of ways he also showed a lack of interest.

The bitch book (which I recommend) said "Men do not respond to words--they respond to no contact." Also talks about how to deal w/lack of respect (basically, call him on it and don't take it).

After so many years of being disrespectful, I am not sure I can see him being respectful.

But as the saying goes, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Sigh.