Not sure if I have ever posted to you before...I can totally understand how you feel...you see I filed for LS and D not once each...but twice!!!...so many times I thought I hit the end of my rope and was falling...only to pull a "Tarzan" and swing myself to another rope...
Yes I did give up...a few times...but buried in my pain I somehow found hope...even though H never gave any...
I didn't live with him after the bomb...basically the bomb was his moving out following my nieces wedding...but looking back I can clearly see that I was living with a man in MLC for the 3 years building upto the bomb...at times it was HELL...and after he left it was even worse!!!
I don't want to beat a dead horse here...but I think you need to take a mental break from it all...focus on you and your kids...do what you can to keep peace...I think you plan for parenting is right on for now...
I understand the whole IL thing too...I got royally told off by my MIL...called the most "evil woman, cold hearted, unloving person" she had ever met...and this from a woman that I spent years looking for to reunite her with her kids after her abusive XH stole them away from her...I reunited her with her kids when they were in their late 30's and early 40's...she had not seen them since they were 2-5 years old...I did it because I loved her for giving my H life so I could find him...
Long story short...after nearly 2 years apart...18 months of it pretty hostile when we did see each other...after failed MC because H refused to accept any part of it...after buying and losing a BMW convertable with heated seats...after coloring his hair, mustache, and goatee thing so it wasn't gray (oh yea and the eye brows too)...after buying all new clothes to make him look younger...after the OW 14 yrs. younger with 4 kids and possible 3 failed marriages behind her...the perfect woman that he was going to marry when we got divorced...after telling me the worst day of his life was when he married me...after going through 9-1-1 calls because he was so stinking drunk that he couldn't stand up yet he was denying drinking...after realizing he was an alcoholic and praying he would get help...after dealing with his extreme depression...I kept my unconditional love...while he was gone I provided him medical insurance that saved his life to the tune of $40K in medical bills...I saw the opportunity to talk to him once he calmed down from the peak of the MLC...we started to be friends for the first time in a long time...
Long story short (too late I guess, lol)...he has been home for almost a year and a half...he is now able to say he loves me...he is now having me in his real dreams...he is now becoming himself...getting the medical and mental help he needed all along (and that he fought so hard against)...my M was on the brink for sooo long...I really never expected that ours would be a story of survival...but I can honestly say we are building a new life together...a new marriage...yes, there was pain and agony...for both of us...compassion and empathy needed on my part...even doubts that I was doing the right thing so many times...but now I have no doubt...now I have my H back...and I am feeling loved...
One thing I am resolved to do this time is keep MYSELF...I did lose myself in my M...and when he left I was so totally lost...I had to really dig deep...build myself up...and find who I wanted to be...where I wanted to go...what I really wanted...sure, at one point I had an EA...I met the man...I also realized that I was not over H...I was not healed...I was not ready...I still needed a complete ME...now I have her...I maintain her...I make time for her...I make time for my H...for my kids...for my family...balance...that is what it is all about...and keeping myself happy and healthy is keeping the faith I have in others alive...
FIB...if there is anything I can do...please ask...I feel your pain...and I know from where you are it is so hard to see an end to it without letting go of the rope...but think "Tarzan"...you can let go...and swing to another...get a grip...and keep taking care of you and your kids...it really isn't over yet...from a woman's perspective I don't think you W is really done...but she is obviously confused and probably being led a bit...
It is true...Bworl can attest to my sincerity as well...as can others...You have to be happy with what decision you make...sometimes the decision is made for you and you have to be happy with where life takes you...whatever happens...whatever YOU decide...I support you...to every song there is an end...but then there is always a new song to be heard...sometimes it is the same artist...sometimes not...
