slowly getting my life back 3

[a new 2moro]

I did blast him and it only made him put on his track shoes

I firmly believe..that when i figured out to shut the f'ck up and be still....is when he started to turn around. I removed the raging bitch from the picture ...he could no longer blame me for his misery. Of course OW took my place as the raging bitch...that helped. I made it safe for him to approach me. I made it safe for him to ask to come home. to do that i had let the anger go and offered total forgiveness actually i had forgiven him before he ever asked to come back.

[Keepingthefaith7]

H came to pick up d today. She saw him coming so she ran to her room and locked the door. H came in and I told him she was upstairs in her room b/c she didn't want to go. H went up and told her to open her door. At first she didn't say anything , but then she said she didn't want to go. "why are you making me go?" He just told her b/c he wanted her to spend some time with him and she would be fine.

He kept banging on her door until finally she opened it. She called out to me "mommy, please don't make me go." "come and get me mommy." I stayed downstairs. H picked her up and brought her downstairs and grabbed her overnight bag. D asked H if she could hug me goodbye and told him she didn't want to sleepover. She looked so sad as he carried her out to his car.

About 20 min later I get a TM from H. It said "In the future please don't let d lock herself in her bedroom."

WTF? It's like he has to somehow make me look bad. She ran up the stairs and locked her door. What was I going to do about that? Why did he feel the need to say something??

Anyway d has called 3x since he picked her up, but she has decided to sleepover. I am very surprised b/c she was extremely upset when she left.


*** Also, H wants to take d to amusement park on Monday. I told him that she has a C appt. at 2:00 that day (which he already knew about btw), but I told him again. He said I can r/s it.
I told him I really didn't want to do that b/c it's important that d go. The C is going to be out of town for 2 weeks and she squeezed d in before she left b/c she felt d needed it. H said that d is doing better and it's better therapy for her if she spends time with him rather than go to her C.

I stood my ground and told H that d was going to keep her appt with the C and that I would hope he would support me.

I hope I am doing the right thing by telling him no. D has been having such a hard time and acting out. H doesn't realize what I have been going through. School is coming soon and I don't want to deal with it. There isn't much time left to get her over her anxiety.

I think H thinks that b/c she is doing okay so far this weekend that she is over her anxiety. I can already hear him say she doesn't need C anymore , that is she fine.

I did ask him if he could take her to the amusement park a different day this week b/c he told me he is on vacation. He replied, " No, tues and weds I am going away and the rest of the week d17 has to work."
So d7 gets put last? I mean why isn't her C appt as important?

**** And on top of it- weds would have been our 11th wedding anniversary and he is going away with Ow!!! We are still legally H and W.... I guess to him it's just another day.
Ouch.... If he can go away with his GF on the day WE got married then he is definitely over me! That really hurts. Did he forget what day Weds. is????


K

[Keepingthefaith7]

Does anybody have any advice about whether I should let d7 go with H tomorrow or should I stand my ground and keep her C appt?

K

[MissH]

K,
IMO, I would stand your ground and have your d7 go to the counselor. Your H is acting like such a child without responsibilities. Your H is all about himself right now. I really think your d7's appointment is more important. Let your H throw a tantrum, he will get over it. If you back down he may think that he will always have the final decision.

[Rollercoasterider]

KTF7,

I hope you don't mind, but I would like to reply to your email here because these are things for everyone.

Remember how we talked about how he sees you as a victim--weak, and mistreats you? Well, in asking questions, you do not sound sure of yourself. Uncertainty = weakness...and he will not agree.

I asked H if he could go a different day b/c he is on vacation himself all this week.

I thought about it and then I replied to him that d was keeping her appt b/c it is important.

There are times when thinking things through and considerin the views and ideas of others shows flexibility and is important. NOT HERE. When you know what is right--keeping the counseling--be decisive. You knew it was right and yet showed a waiver--you are so afraid of ruining things for later. This is helping to promote his disrespect.

I asked him to support me with this.

How nice of you. No...you need to EXPECT him to support you in it...and it is nonegotiable. I told Sweetheart my expectations. Did he always follow them...No, but he was more likely to because he wanted to meet expectations...and it was hypnosis...

Some of what I did with Sweetheart was toa say...you and I both know...something. In this case...You and I both know that counseling is the best thing for D.

Now he denies it to himself and you...and will likely still. But it is a hypnotic technique. You left no room for a different answer. He can deny, but you've told him you know he knows anyway--thus excuses are wasted.

Did I do the right thing? It's just that d7's C appts are important so she can get over this anxiety.

If you doubt your decisions...how can he not also doubt them?

Wed would be me and H's 11th wedding anniversary. He tells me today that he is going away on Tues and Weds. ( it is with Ow- even though he didn't tell me I know he is)
He really doesn't love me anymore. Otherwise he couldn't spend the day we got married with his GF! Where is his conscious(sp?) he legally has a Wife????

Stop that right now! You are taking this personally again. First...many don't remember dates. Second...he is in MLC and divorcing you...why should he show respect for something that is now nonexistent--to him. This proves NOTHING. He is not seeing it as anything but another day. And let's say he is being deliberate...maybe he's trying to remake the day because it is still meaningful to him...or the OW is doing it. Maybe he's trying to erase the memory and meaning...the need to erase shows it is still there.

For goodness sake...he has a gf--and OW (Old Whore). He spends many days with. He sleeps with her. This is no worse than any other betrayal--and it's not even intentional. And how do you think the OW feels about that date...?

You can be sure Sweetheart's OW knew that date--ours is two days after her birthday and she pays attention to stuff like that. In 2005 Sweetheart spent time with me on her birthday because it was a weekend...but two days later...no phone call. You better believe the OW made sure she had him wrapped up and unable to get away on that day more than another.

What are you doing for yourself?
Because until you nopt only choose to do someting...but then GO DO IT...you will not move past this taking it personally stuff. You've been stuck here way too long.
What can you do to move your Self ahead--forward?
(not a rhetorical question)

HUGS,
RCR

[Keepingthefaith7]

RCR,

Well, I did it again.... I gave in. D7 was begging me to let her go tomorrow and H gets on the phone and says that d is doing really well this weekend with him and he thinks it's a good idea if she goes with him b/c it is the best kind of therapy right now.

I told him what bothers me is that he is off all week and d's C appt isn't a priority for him. Everything and everyone else's schedule comes first. He said that wasn't true. It's just that he had planned going on Monday. He then started to get a little defensive with me and we started to get into a little bit of a disagreement over it -----so what did I do? I gave in!

Part of me had no choice but to agree with him b/c d was doing very well this weekend. No frequent phone calls to me and she even slept over. This is a first since Father's Day weekend. So I felt torn about what to do.

Even so, I still feel that her C is important and that she really should be going to that appt tomorrow. I didn't stand my ground... Ugh! I am weak aren't I? It is no wonder my H thinks so little of me.

Why do I do it everytime? He always gets his way. I continue to let him control me. THen I get mad at myself. I probably just justified in his mind why he left me and I wonder why he doesn't respect me!

It's just hard b/c d7 wanted to go , H wasn't supporting me, so I was the one that looked like the bad guy. I didn't want that to happen. D really wanted to go with him and that's a good thing b/c she hasn't wanted to do that in a very long time.

Could someone just hit me with a 2x4 please......

K

[Keepingthefaith7]

RCR,

I have to stop letting him get to me. I have to stop caring what he thinks of me!

He doesn't respect me
He treats me like crap
He bad mouths me to his family
He puts down my parenting
It's always my fault
He has told his kids not to talk to my kids anymore b/c they are no longer their family!

These all all things that bother me. This is what I have had a hard time with this entire time that I have been DBing. I am so worried about what he thinks of me that I let it control me.

Here's an example, when he came to get d7 yesterday she had locked herself in her BR b/c she saw him pull into the driveway and didn't want to go with him. So immediately she ran to her room and locked the door. H came in and I told him where she was. He went upstairs and told her to open the door. After about 10 min she finally opened her door. She was saying "why are you making me go when I don't want to?" "mommy please don't let him take me!" I stayed downstairs as I promised H I would do. I let him handle it. A few minutes later he came downstairs with d and she asked him if she could give me a hug and kiss goodbye. she then told her dad she didn't want to sleepover. He said that was okay and they left.

20 min later H sends me a TM saying , " in the future please don't let d lock herself in her room when I am coming!" He also told his sister that we are on the same page when it comes to d, but then when he gets there I start to soften. Not sure what he means by this b/c I was actually very proud of myself for listening to my d crying uncontrollably and I still let her leave with him. It certainly wasn't easy. Instead of being proud of me he finds some stupid reason to blame me.

I didn't respond to his TM, but all I could think about was how much he dislikes me. It seems he always has to find a way to make me look bad in some way. It bothers me..... this is what I need to STOP doing! I have been struggling with this for 2 years!!!

I'm not sure why it bothers me so much that he doesn't respect me. He hasn't in a long time. A man that would cheat and lie to their wife , leave their family and not look back, move in with Ow while still M to me, definitely doesn't respect me. He continues to disrespect me.

K

[Rollercoasterider]

I'm not sure why it bothers me so much that he doesn't respect me.

Well, the standarad answer is because you love him...but also...disrespect is bothersome. My Step Mother never respected my Stand. It bothered me, and the ONLY reason it bothered me less than you are no bothered is because I wasn't shown it--I rarely saw her...and when we did she kept it zipped...I knew her feelings, but heard officially through my Mom and called my Dad upset.

He constantly throws it in your face.
The other reason is because you do not respect yourself...he won't until you do.

I also would have responded to his Text--though I imagine most would recommend against. "I didn't, seven-year-olds know how to make use locks on their own."

In texting a person can't KNOW if the recipient got the message...unless they respond/react. You could simply not respond to any texts...in any form and let hi know you ignore them...but better, can you block them. Tell since he is unable to communicate politely and appropriately, you won't accept texts. (Because they are one way)

I am so worried about what he thinks of me that I let it control me.

I don't know if he will try to return someday. But I will say this with certaintiy...He will NOT ever try and will instead stay nasty (may not even come through the MLC Tunnel) if you don't take back your Self-respect, confidence and Personal Power.

He is weaker than you and lacks Self-Confidence. He is bolstering his lack by tearing you down...the sad thing is YOU ARE ALLOWING this tactic to work.

What makes you think he will erturn if he is always getting his way?
Because that meets his needs?
But does he want a doormat?
MLCers will fight boundaries...but they want them, sometimes consciously...sometimes they are secretly wishing we would have boundaries.

If you believed in your Self you would not allow his abuse. You would tell him directly that he is being abusive, and it is inappropriate, and that his children may learn to model his disgusting parental examples.

Throw those projections back at hime. This isn't about DB'ing, it's about finding your Self again...and ironically that is waht you must do as a Standing DBer also--find your Self.

But I think we need to look at you and your motivations for allowing his behaviour against you. We say to accept the process...Accepting is not the same as allowing. Accepting that Sweetheart would project at me meant I didn't take it personally, and thatif necessary I tiold him his behaviour was unacceptable...called him on his sh*t. And I got thanked quite a bit for that.

I don't expect you will get thanked if you start that now...he won't like it because he is to accustomed to controllong yopu. He'll fight it, and at least initially, become more verbally aggressive...testing and more control attempts. This means you need to be strong enough to withstand more than you are experiencing now.

Has he always treated you this way?
Has he always treated women this way?

Have men always treated you this way?
Have men in your life treated other women this way?
Tell us about your parents...How did they treat their children and each other?

You cognitively know that you allow his disrepect and control and need to take back your power. Knowing there is a problem may be the first step...but you need preofessional help with the next steps. You have been unable to stand up for yourself on your own. Find a therapist who can help you look back at YOU. We spend a bit too much time here looking at the MLCErs childhood to the neglect of our own.

What about your husband made you choose him--beyond you conscious surface reasons? What in him fits something you needed or experienced in childhood? Which of your parents is he like? Which are you like?

Are you seeing anyone? If not PLEASE start looking...today. This is not to help yopu get him back. It's to help you get YOU back...whether he returns or not.

HUGS,
RCR

[suzanne s]

It should bother you that he is acting disrespectful. Respect is such an important part of a M.

Also KEEPING THE FAITH- sorry to hear about H and OW going away together on anniv. Jerk! THat broke my heart for you. I think that people who partake in affairs just have such a low self image they almost attract the other people to them JUST to make themselves feel better and more....themselves, if that makes any sence? BUt I actually think it is these people who Truly DO NOT KNOW WHO THEY ARE! It is the spouses who forgive and the spouses who don't and move on that are the bigger people EVERY TIME and also the people who know themselves! HANG IN THERE!

[Keepingthefaith7]

RCR,

I haven't posted in awhile. I have been trying to work on GAL and taking a break from the bb.

I have been re-reading all of your posts and taking in all of your wonderful advice. I want to thank you for everything. I hope you realize how much you have helped me to heal. You have a way of making me see things so much clearer.

I am feeling so much stronger lately. Sitting back looking at my sitch and knowing deep down inside that my H is the one who is losing out. I am proud of my accomplishments and how I am responding to him. However, still working on my wording b/c in the past I know I have come across somewhat passive and "doormatish".

I feel confident that I will be okay, but at the same time sad about the loss of my M and best friend.

This weekend H is taking d7 for the day with his family to MIL's cottage to celebrate MIL's birthday. Ow is going too.... Sigh...

This is something WE always did together. We spent many days over the past 11 years at MIL's cottage. This was a memory for US and now Ow is going to be SHARING that with him and the kids.
It bothers me and makes me sad that I am not going to be a part of this weekend.

However, I refuse to let it get to me. I'm going to try to stay busy and do something fun for me.

BTW- they are also getting a new family picture done for MIL's birthday gift. D7 told me about it and then H gave me d7's outfit for the picture the other day so I could pack it for her. I just smiled and commented on how pretty the blouse was.
He is so insensitive. Me on the otherhand act like I am just fine when inside I am crying.

Hugs,
K