When's it my turn?

[SDFoundGirl]

Wow....you have had a journey that is for sure!!! It is so awesome to hear all the work you have done!!! I guess I am having a problem with detaching from the past...trust is hard for me; I guess it is the fear that if h left once he could do it again...I am trying to work on it...one step at a time.

This was a really big problem for me up until about a month or two ago. I relived and remembered last summer every day of my life while H had pretty much moved past it. He was always so bewildered when I'd bring it up in MC. I finally got to the point where I was sick and tired of holding on to those fears and painful thoughts. H *is* different....and the truth is, holding on to those fears was just a way of trying to protect myself from getting hurt. And that's not possible!

The truth is, Liz, our H's could flip out again and leave. They could take up with some skanky ho and leave us at any time. It's completely out of our control. There are never any guarantees for anything, BUT, I DO know that by not letting go of the past, I am creating an environment where my fears more likely WILL come true. Holding on is like admitting that you NEED the other person, and that's not true. I CHOOSE H, but I don't NEED him to be happy.

I was in a journaling class all summer that focused on taking control of our lives and using journaling as a way to take on tough issues. I used a lot from there to help me out. One of my favorites is a T-chart (two-column chart) with one side labeled "In My Control" and the other side "Out of My Control". You list aspects of a particular situation on the T-chart, then you fold or tear the paper so that the out of my control portion can't be seen anymore. You then focus on what you can control...which is YOU and how YOU choose to act or feel.

Another strategy that helped me a lot was rewriting the story of last summer. Up until a few weeks ago, the story of last summer was all about pain and hurt and fear and disappointment. All of those amazing things that happened in my life were underplayed. SO, I rewrote the story focusing on all the gifts I was given as a result of last summer. I'm stronger, smarter, more patient, mostly fearless, new friendships, independence, etc. Simply shifting the way we look at things sometimes can be POWERFUL.

I've written love letters to myself, keep a gratitude journal (which is POWERFUL stuff--it helps you focus on what you're grateful for every day instead of all the negative stuff), etc. It's the best class, great tools I can use that fit perfectly into DBing. The class is on vacation right now, but we're going to start back up at the end of the month. I LOVE it.

So...that's a long-winded answer to your question. Essentially, the way to do it is to work on changing your mind, on letting go, on detaching again. THAT'S the danger of piecing, becoming dependent on someone else for your happiness.

How exciting that you and H are going back to school! What are you guys going to study? How is your D doing? Has she held onto any anger about her dad?

SD