I am new here, and have read through tons of the posts. I am amazed that there is a forum discussing this topic. I have read all the books. I have been in therepy for years and years. I have been to therapy with my husband. Anyway, my story is everyone's story. My husband finally decided after an almost sexless marriage to get his blood checked. He has low testosterone. He has been getting treatment for the past few months. Anyway, the treatment isn't enough, we haven't had sex in 10 mos., it was over a year before that, and at least a year before that. When he approached me to have sex recently, he was the same self centered guy,I let him off the hook so as not to hurt is fragile ego. As I didn't want to discourage future sex. I am pathetically desperate. He barely touched me, got hard, pulled me on top, and then as usual, came, and said gee I'm sorry, I'll do better next time. If he has said it once, he's said it ten thousand times. It was a big experiement to see if the treatment worked. He could care less about me and how frustrated I am left feeling and I have to deal with. I am older, and trapped. I am also at my end, I fantasize about gettting some guy over and time it so he is having sex with me when my husband walks in the door, so he can see me getting off. I haven't had an orgasm with my husband in years and years and years. I have read all the posts and have felt all the feelings described. Other than how bitter and angry I am sure this post is sounding, I am also married to the great guy in all the other ways. I feel like even with the treatment I will never get my husband really interested in any kind of sex that involves really knowing what I need, or what makes me feel good. I am not ugly. I suppose I am very attractive acccording to what I am told. It means nothing. I feel ugly, hate myself. I feel cursed, shame at feeling this way, shame at the shame as one person posted. I feel lost, no self esteem, can't get out of the cycle, have done everything over the years to either feel better for me, or do things I thought would make him happy or be more attracted to me. I am resentful, and find myself wanting to hurt him, and then hate myself for my thoughts. I feel hopeless and cursed, just like my handle. I have no friends anymore, because no one has any support to offer, they see me married to what appears to be the greatest guy in the world who makes a good living and is a good provider, so I have been abandoned by all of them. I am here because I have no none to talk to anymore. I am in therapy now again, but I am now in such a state of hurt, that I can barely talk or function. I can make it appear ok to a point, but I am lonely and can't imagine anyone would ever want or desire me. I am so damaged from this passionless and sexless marriage that I am frozen with fear to move on. Right now as I write this I am fighting back the tears, as I am sure that leaving would just leave me alone and poverty stricken. I have had jobs, businesses, and "getting my own life" has not made anything better, instead of making the lonliness better, it only made things worse because I was exposed to more people in the world having sex, and living life, only leaving me feeling worse. I am reduced to hanging with my 2 dogs, they at least look at me with their addoring eyes, and want to be with me. Funny too, how when I know another man is attracted to me, it doesn't make feel better, it makes me feel guilty. I feel like it shows how sickeningly neglected I am, and that somehow if they are attracted to me, I am telepathically making them approach me, so I feel guilty. The mind is ridiculously ever trying to compensate. I hope my rambling makes sense, and I thank you for giving me a place to dump my thoughts. As I am pretty hopeless anyway. Oh, and I have been on all the anti-deppressents over the years, they are only a bandaid, and never help me enough to make a difference to me. I am so so lonely, and pretty much feel useless, ugly, worthless, embarassed to be naked when I am by myself, let alone around my husband or anyone else. I couldn't have an affair if I wanted to, as I am completely destroyed. And this comes from a woman who not so many years ago used to walk around naked, was a free spirit, and did my gardening in the nude. NOw I hate myself.
