Thanks Heimlich for you comments. For what I am doing for me (GAL'ing) I have connected with old friends - some I haven't talked to in years, I have taken up tennis lessons, I am taking pilates classes, I went hiking last weekend by myself, and I am going to therapy 1x/week (And I have a very succesful fulltime job).
As I am writing at 2am - you can probably assume that things have not gotten any better, in fact, I believe that they have gotten worse. We had a long talk today (initiated by him after I was trying to make small talk). Funnily enough, he brought up the weather conversation & he said that he feels awkward trying to have "normal" conversations when they is all this deeper stuff looming. Who knows - maybe he is even on this message board too and reading my comments!
He said that this situation (living together) is not working for him - but he is still not sure that he wants to move out. I think he may know already that is what he is planning to do, but just trying to spare my feelings? He said he has his IC session on Monday and that he is hoping to get advice at that time.
I almost think at this point it is probably best that he MO b/c I feel like each day that passes by in this awkwardness that we are living destroys our relationship little by little. I have a feeling that what he wants is a NC seperation. Part of me thinks that is the only chance for us b/c we would need some sort of new start if this were to work, but everything I read tells me that physical seperation almost always leads to divorce. He would most likely be moving in with his parents. I am not sure if I could/should be here when he packs up. Anyone have any advice on that? We have had no physical contact (hugs -anything) for weeks now...
Another thing that is very difficult is my crying. 6/7 days of the week I am OK and I pull it together - but when we have these long, emotionally intensive conversations I can't help it and it just flows out. He says it makes it difficult to talk to me and that is why he has had a hard time in the past & feels he could not talk to me b/c of it. This is the way I have always been though, I am the type to cry at weddings, movies, etc. I understand that it makes it difficult for him to talk to me, but it is not like I am sobbing out of control - just watery eyes & runny nose. I don't like how he is using that as an excuse that he could not talk to me about these issues that were bothering him. Everyone has their way of reacting to things like that, some people would get angry and yell when their spouse voices complaints/issues & that is something that I never do. I do wonder if there is something out there to better help control my emotions/crying though while I am going through this process. Would an anti-depressant help? I don't feel as though I need one for daily functioning, like I said, I amd fine 6/7 days of the week and think I am handling this as best as can be expected - but just to stop the waterworks?
