well the build up of anger passed, as it always does. well around 5, w still hadn't called today. sort of odd since she has been calling non stop about anything.
so i picked s up at day care. thought about it for a while and thought, well i don't want to push, but her big issue is that i wasn't there in the past and now i am. so i called, she didn't answer, i knew she wouldn't, she is teaching her therapy sessions. left a message. can't recall all but "hey just picked up s, he had another great day at day care, hope work is going well, have fun tonight (this is her friday and i figured she would be going out with family in town and all), so i guess i'll see you tomorrow, call if you need a driver. bye"
well she called back later that evening but i was bathing s, and never heard it. she left a vm, said hey i got your message, give me a call. i called back no answer, class should have been done, but i didn't leave a vm. left it at that.
heimlich, everything you posted above came out the other night, she said she scared, i said me too, went the whole rounds. no she keeps saying that she doesn't want to string me along, so i'm back to shutting up and observing.
feeling good though and having a good time. tomorrow will suck. everyone i know is leaving town and i can't. i was supposed to do a big race saturday, but with the new smoking habit, haha. almost all of my friends are going to that. a few others are heading out for some camping and four wheeling, but i already have s, saturday night. whole fam is on a cruise in the caribean, so it looks like i might be sitting alone in the borne ultimatim on saturday. hmmmm????
I'm trying to understand the 'stringing along' stuff. On the one hand, that's nice, you don't want to hurt me any more. On the other, you want to hurt me a lot more by not even giving the R an honest effort. It almost seems like a variaton of 'It's not you, it's me.' and is a perfect cop-out statement that lets you say something without having to think through why you're saying it.
Step away from the smokes. Think about what kind of bike you could buy in a year with the money you would otherwise spend on cigs.
And, hey, I like going to see movies by myself. Nothing wrong with that. Think I have a date with D9 to go see Harry Potter this weekend.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Atlas, just getting caught up in your sitch. This seems to be a natural progression for a WAS. Remember breath deep and continue to bite your tongue when the anger presents itself. I have gotten the whole scared thing, but w does not want to committ to anything other than me not leaving right now. You seem to be doing great, it will be much harder through this process and some of the doubt will certainly come from you. You have been in panic mode on how to get your w to committ, so your range of emotions will be going through the roof when things don't seem to be going the way you want. Just remember, keep your changes perminant and don't overanalyze w decisions. Keep DB'ing. As far as the family stuff, you must show them that you have changed, etc. They want what is best for W and she propably has told them that you are not, so her change of heart puts you both in a heck of a sitch. Keep working at it, beware the pitfalls, and stay strong!
Little contact yesterday, just VM’s really. Seemed odd, since lately the calls are pretty often at this point, but I expected it with family in town. Dropped s off this morning. Thought BIL would be there so I brought everyone breakfast, but only W. She said it was a good gesture anyway.
W was pretty tired, said it wasn’t a late night or anything just tired. She went and laid back in her bed, and S and I ate breakfast. She asked me to come in a talk to her, I sat on the edge of her bed. No serious stuff, just chit chat. Then she stated that she wished I didn’t have to go to work. Oh ya why? Well, for one I could sleep while you watched him, ouch, but we could all spend the day together, yaaa.
Just feels weird right now. Not really sure what to say, had to get to work early, so just said, well I have to go, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow morning (when she drops s off). She suddenly sits up and says, why tomorrow, her tone was saying aren’t we going to see each other today. Funny thing is if, I pursue at all she runs so fast the other way. So I just stated, well everyone is going to the race tomorrow, so I’ll probably just be hanging around the house tonight if you or BIL want to come by. No response, just a smile and good bye.
So, I guess the deal is, she feels wanted, if I let her know I want her, verbally, she pulls back. If I am there, and sit there and keep my mouth shut everything goes well. Just can’t analyze every detail, like above. Well, I’ve committed to two goals this weekend with my relationship.
1. No matter what, I’ll keep my cool with BIL if we talk. I’ll hear his point of view and keep in mind that I would protect my little sis as well. 2. I’m going to read DR again, and spend some time rewriting questions, goals, etc.
Just had a pretty enlightening thing said to me by a co-worker who is going through a divorce. He said "It would be so much easier to deal with all of this, if there was some consistency, one minute W is nice as can be, the next day I get the crazy. If it was always nice, I could see myself working on this, with it always crazy it would be so simple to go forward."
Thought that was so funny, he just described the alien and also proof that if we DB properly it will work. She has done some horrible things to him, but if she were to not act "crazy", he would be more than willing to work on things.
So here it is, no more crazy, even when there is an alien in my presence.
Reminded of this quote from the movie As Good As it Gets
Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
bil hasn't stoped by and i don't think he will. he has some things going on in town and sounds busy. last night i was waiting for a good friend to come by, the neighbors are getting ready for a wedding, sort hit hard watching the bride to be dancing around with her veil on. hit in a good way, just reaffirmed what w and i have been through and what i want.
well friend came by, we had a few beers but not much. i haven't seen him a while, he has been really busy with work and his gf. we both went to school together and i have wanted to work with him for some time. well last night i got the job interview with his dad and his partner. i actually know them both really well, camping and other activities, so i figure the job is mine so long as we can all agree on the terms. pretty stoked about that.
well no real contact between w and i yesterday. her constant calling has stopped. but she is busy with family. she dropped s off this morning and it went great. no real affection or big positives, but absolutely no d talk, or r talk. she told me what she has been up to, i told her about the job, which we have both been excited about and expecting for some time. she was really happy about it and told me congrat's.
she seems to be doing really well outside of her mil, who is really withdrawn and not helping the sitch. mil is blaming her, is really harsh towards her and makes her feel horrible. thought about trying to get that under control, but no matter what i do, mil has always been that way, so even if she agreed, like she has before she would just revert to her past behavior. so i guess leave it as is. w doesn't have much contact anyway with her, so that is a plus.
well the plan tonight is to review the journal, posts, and reasses my sitch. read through dr and set new goals and arrange the plan. things seem to be going in the right direction, i just need to start doing some more positives. especially gal, i skip out on a lot with the friends, and need to do more. funny thing is, i'm not just sitting at home, just sort unmotivated towards that part of my life. espcially since, that was one of her largest compliants, that i focused too much on friends and activities outside of the house.
i think you got the basics of what i was saying, basically w wants to feel wanted by me, she has expressed this. but when i open my mouth and try and say nice things she pulls back, if i do nothing our r seems to go well. so hard to figure out. actions speak louder than words, even though she has asked for the verbal.
i sort of ride this fine line, between initiating contact too often and not at all. so i'm very careful about it, usually just use text, since no reply is required and your not on the line immediately. seems to work well.
text'ed her today with "hope work went well, have a fun time tonight." a few hours later i got a call from w. asked her how work went and she said well. she then tells me here whereabouts again, she wouldn't be doing this if there wasn't a vested interest, and she stated she wanted me to know where she was. hmmmm. great sign, but sort of feel like i'm controlling, but she is voluntering all of this, i'm not asking at all. but it makes me feel like she wants me to control by the way she is telling me. it's a good sign for sure but just weird.
well she is going to mil's tonight to eat and going to stay there tonight. told me she was nervous and sick of her mother glaring at her over this. told her i was sorry that she felt their r was suffering. w said not to worry, she would straighten it out with her eventually. told me to have a good night and sleep well. told her the same. it's so weird, it's like were dating and checking in on each other and saying these nice things, but i can't get a date. haha.
brother called to see how i was doing, we talked for some time. he just returned from a 2 week long drill with the military. he has a niece that is 1 and half years. broke the news that they are pregnant again, still really early, but they are excited. sort of funny, he used to ride motorcycles a lot in college and so i was talking to him about the new obsession, and he said well guess what i'm buying. oh i took the hook, what? a minivan! haha.
jenjam,
i don't know if you ever read my sitch, but i just read your looking at the big picture and the problems that casues. tackle a corner and a little piece at a time and soon the whole picture will be covered. this makes so much sense on the goals. while mine are written and weekely updated, even with large interactions i'll have ones for that day, i have let this go lately and need to get back on it. great analysis, it really helps when the vets post this type of wisdom for us all.
