Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

I don't want to believe that my M is over, but all evidence is to the contrary. I've worked at it for a year and I feel so helpless. I didn't think it was possible to hit rock bottom again, but here I am...at which I hope is the bottom of the bottom...I can't do this again. I've made a call to a SBT today. Hopefully she will call me back next week to set up an appointment. I thought we were peicing. I thought we were really working things out...how did I not see this coming? I need to re-read DR. That should help. I wonder where my h went? Not phyisically but mentally/emotionally. I feel like he just doesn't care about me or for me anymore. Up until this point I always felt that he at least cared - not anymore. I guess he just doesn't like me. I'm rambling, I know...just everything is so pent up inside. I feel like screaming and crying and running and lying still and i just keep pacing around the house...I don't want to think ill of him. I don't want to be mad or sad or unhappy. I just want peace. A little peace would be nice. And a desire to eat and sleep. And a smile. The ability to smile, that would be a blessing.

I packed all of his clothes today. They are sitting in boxes in our foyer. His closet is empty, his dresser is empty. I can't have him repeatedly up and leaving in the middle of the night. I can't deal with waking up again and not having him here. He has to go. HAS TO. This is so hard.

How long does it take for the person that feels they have ruined everything begin to feel like they should fix everything? I thought we were there - we were there - for a little while. I don't understand the back sliding.

I just want to smile.