Sandi-- I am glad that you post--it is invaluable to get "inside" the WAS mind. Even when it is hard for us to hear.
I know that you are hurting. I can see that my H is hurting, too. He said it kills him to see me cry, knowing that he is doing that. And how much it hurts him that he couldn't "get the feelings back." He is also involved with another woman.
As a LBS, I don't want a return to the old M--it is dead, and was obviously disfunctional (at least to one of us). What I want is a chance to build a new R/M. I want to get to know my H on a deeper level than we ever did before. I want to be completely open, even about the scary stuff. I want to share in new experiences with him, some that I had always wanted to try, some from his list, that we didn't do or stopped doing because the other wasn't as interested.
The intimacy has to be built up, just like it did at the beginning of any R. Yes, I'd love to jump his bones, but he is simply not interested, and I have to handle that rejection. It would probably feel like sleeping with a sister right now. Ick.
I don't know how willing your H is to win your heart back--hopefully he recognizes how dire the sitch is, and like most of us LBS, would be willing to stand on our heads or walk across burning coals to prove ourselves worthy of a second chance. If he is in this state, let your needs be known, and he will fall all over himself to meet them. Just be open to his expressions; they are not done simply as manipulation.
Hang in--and listen with your head as well as your heart, for you, and your family.
