I also read post after post of people saying "don;t take it personnaly" "They aren't well" and so on and so forth. ...How much is enough? I cannot see any benefit in standing by letting someone treat you this way.
Braveheart, well, I'm one of the main one's who passes on the don't take it personally advice. The misconception I see in your words is the implication that this advice is packaged with taking the abuse--accept it because it's not really personal.
I promote accepting the process. I do not promote allowing yourself to be abused--enabling. I promote boundaries. I promote self-protection and Standing up for one's Self. It is perfectly acceptable in my book to walk away, tell him/her that you will not put up with that language, abuse...whatver...or that his/her actions/words are inappropriate. Hang up, don't answer...those are not only acceptable, but often necessary in this.
Gosh Sweetie, I'm so sorry you took this abuse for so long...sux huh? I think that the more we 'take it' the more they do it. Telling them it's not okay is throwing it back in their face. And they then test to see if you meant it...or can follow through with your promise.threat to 'not take it.' So they won't stop dishing it out right away.
Not taking it is part of letting go--you know...what happens when the MLCer finally gets scared that we have moved totally on and suddenly wants to return.
Lingy takes it. I get so frustrated. Honestly, you guys might be surprised about how I sound to her...I thinknit's different than most of what I say here on the boards. she takes it and takes it...and then yells back. She then calls me and says...you won't believe... or I can't believe... She's wrong...I will believe it, 'it' repeats weekly...and has been going on 4-5 years. Lingy is an example of why it is not better to have the MLCer home...it's AWFUL.
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don't take the abuse, let her be mean to someone else.
AWESOME. This works for Standing...or not. The Ow is great for this...though I did feel bad that Sweetheart projected onto our SIL too--she was an innocent in it. But I still thanked her for taking it off of me.
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I think that sometimes, just sometimes, they do know what they are saying and doing.
ME too. It's so hard to explain... because it's all a big oxymoron sometimes.
I think that just because they KNOW what they are doing--and that it's wrong--doesn't mean they can stop doing it. And there is a fog...So they know, but then get justification from the confusing things cycling in their brain...or from the OW. REmember how Happy_Again said Allie was upset when she snooped once and he felt so bad. But he left and called the OW who validated that it was Allie's fault for snooping, not HA's fault for the actions. MLCers seek out and receive mixed messages. Society tells them divorce is fine. Their counselor has told them they should be divorced--boy that's a huge MAD for me!!! Their parents only want them to be happy...since they are not happy with you, the parents support leaving. It like my in-laws, they never liked you, so you should have done it a long time ago. Sometimes their friends and family don't support...but often the only one not agreeing with the MLC behaviour is the spouse (and kids). SUX!!!
FIB, I am so sorry that you and Rich are both going through this...and that we all did...
Though now, I feel so blessed to have gone through. I changed and am learning things. But the coursework for the MLC-LBS degree is pretty darn rigorous.
You've got to detach. I know....easy to say, tough to do. It gets easier and better though.
