There and Back

[SallyM]

well, lets just say yesterday did not go exactly as I had expected. yes, I looked good...really good, in fact. in spite of the heat (I cranked the air conditioning so my makeup wouldn't melt, lol). I was ready to go as soon as he got here.

he came in, took one look at me and asked who the hell the guy I talked to the other day was and who the hell I was going to NH with. I told him I was going to my friend's house, he said but who else would be there...I said as far as I know, my friend and his wife, but who knows, noone else I know of. he asked why I looked so good, I said because we were going into portsmouth. I wasn't overdressed for the night at all, just looked good...gee, honey, sorry about that, would you like me to look like a slob? (no, I didn't say that)

he asked again about the guy on the phone. I thought he was past that. I said he was a friend, restated that I wasn't seeing anybody and I asked, as imLIN (I think it was, right?) suggested, "do you want me to stop talking to him?" H said no, he didn't. ouch. then he (giving the condenced version here) went on to say that if I was seeing someone, he could see HER. ouch. ouch ouch ouch. of course, he is seeing her, he's just not being upfront about it. but stil, ouch. that really hurt...my husband could care less if I see another man? ouch ouch ouch. kick in the gut.

so db went out the window. the only thing I did do right was to remain calm, not to get flustered/emotional. I confronted him on a lot of things...her house keys on his key ring (tried to deny it at first, and I got a little smirky and asked if I went over to (insert actual address) with his keys, would they open any doors? he finally admitted they would...but tried to say that it was no big deal, he had just forgotten to take them off. cough cough sputter sputter.

he became obsessed with knowing how I met the guy I was on the phone to, and I asked why it mattered? would it matter if I met him a the beach, or in NYC? what would be the difference? he said he was curious, as a friend. and i shot back, well, exactly when did you start f'ing ow? I know it was last october, but when exactly? he said that wasn't the same thing. lol. yeah, I know that, trust me.

ended up going outside, where he proceeded to go off on me about what were we doing, we were not moving forward in any direction, just living separate lives. I finally pointed out that he was just mad because I know what I want (to save the marriage) while he either doesn't, or doesn't know how to end it. it went on and on for a bit, wasn't pretty, but I remained calm, and the puppetmaster didn't have total control over me.

anyway, won't go into the rest of the gory details (this is long enough). I will say things went a little worse. I left, and got stuck in a boatload of traffic heading north. I'm talking, an hour drive took 3 hours. I ended up calling him and asking him straight out, "do you want me to start seeing someone?" he got huffy, said, "sure" and I said (calmly) okay, thanks, bye, and hung up. he called back, asking why I had hung up...I told him there was nothing more to say. He started to go off on me about how, like everything else, this is all on his shoulders. I told him no, it wasn't...he wasn't going to determine whether or not I saw someone else, I just wanted to know if he wanted me to. very straightforward, it answers a lot for me. and he told me to do whatever I want and to have a good time.

ouch.

but hey, it tells me a lot, right? the whole conversation yesterday did. And like I've started saying, I need to read the writing on the wall.

so what do I do from here? just keep going, living my life as if I am no longer married, but still let him tie it all up in a neat little package (ie, ask for the divorce)? obviously the man couldn't be clearer...he is done with me, or at the very least, not done with her and unwilling to put any effort in to save the marriage. do I take off my rings? do I ask him to keep the conversations we have strictly about the kids, nothing about our lives? at this point, I don't know what a 180 would be. and at this point, I don't know that it really matters.

sorry this is so long, but does anybody have any thoughts? I'd appreciate them.

as a side note, I'm having a great time and my friends are spoiling me, but its very low key at the same time...beautiful house right on the water. total dream home. I never want to leave. I told C that I was packing up the kids and moving into the guest house. lol.