FLTC: from Iraq

[NewHorizons]

FLTC,

It's a sand viper pit you're working in, no doubt! The sands can be deceiving and your guard must always be up. Don't worry about the family, she'll care for them. Worry about yourself and the people working for you, that's more than enough to fill your empty hours.

Please make sure that you put aside enough to support yourself when you get back. You won't cause the kids any hardship other than not being able to have McyD's as often and your peace of mind is MUCH more important.

You have to be alert and alive. Take care of you, your men and women and plan for the future. You will probably come back and live alone again, but don't let your personal life distract you from your most important duty.

I hate to say it but "Death is light as a feather, duty as heavy as a mountain". Do your best, and think kindly of your wife. She's, as you've pointed out, irrationally angry. Perhaps your term of service will help her see reality but if not don't take scraps when you go home. Make sure you have enough to live on comfortably, if she has to work harder it's her own d@mn fault.

See a foreign sunrise for me and know that this former service man thinks hard and long about all the men and women serving on foreign soil. I don't agree with the politicians, but I fully support every man and woman in the field. Peace and luck to you and the people serving with you.

NH (formerly OTB)

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Tough duty. I preferred the foot patrols thought the 18hr day road trips were darn hard on this old body.

Had a beach goer who was stationed in my AO 7months after I left. Loved the conversation.

Keep focused.

[FLTC]

Somehow this site used to give me solace and comfort in each day that I struggled through alone. Somehow, it’s gotten me more pessimistic each time I read it that things will work out, but who knows. My kids have been through so much during the last year, I hate to see them go through more of this. Not being able to be with my kids every day as they grow is beyond ripping my heart out. Unless there is abuse or some other factor hurting kids, divorcing another human being is one of the most horrible thing one person can do for a family, especially when kids are involved. I called yesterday. Kids miss me and me them. W. was driving them back from FIL’s beach house, and was robotic on the phone. She used to be that way even when things were OK, so who knows. She is perhaps the most inflexible person I have ever met in my life. There is no other way than hers. She can hold a grudge for years. She alienated several neighbors and friends by doing this, but didn’t care. Thanks for writing. I’ll check back in some time.

[NewHorizons]

FLTC,

The important thing is that things work out for YOU! Sure, the relationship might crash, but you have the tools at your disposal to make a difference in your kids lives and in your own now. If your spouse is attracted back to you, then great! If not, then you have the tools to have a successful life. It's not the end of the book, just the end of a chapter. The rest of the book is up to you and you can make your life the best read ever! Good luck out in the sand and make sure to empty your boots every morning!

NH

[BeingMe]

Hey, FLTC! Take care out there in Iraq. My niece's H just died there (he was a medic in the green berets) in June. Such a shock! My son-in-law was deployed there last year with the Air Force. So, this is why your thread caught my eye.

I know someone who is also very inflexible, and is always right, and that person is not happy. She is always ill with one thing or another, and I think it's the stress of constantly keeping track of her rightness, and making sure everyone knows ... she is a control freak too. And, boy, can she speak loudly. Oy! This sounds like you W. I have to wonder if this type of personality is linked to their childhood ... maybe their parents are like this, or they were never heard growing up, and are making sure they are now, or they are holding some resentment that even they are unaware of. All I know is, it's not a way to live a life, which is too short to spend it being angry, bitter, and resentful all the time.

It is tough to be away from your children, but they are still going to love you, and you can keep in contact with them constantly, and continue when you get back home. Your W obviously has some real issues, and there is very little you can do to change her ... she has to see it for herself. All you can do, IMO, is work on you, control your journey, and be the best you that you can be.

I am going to be 50 this year - ugh -(so, wondering if I'm not too old for this, but seeing your age has given me inspiration) and have applied for an admin position as a civilian in Afghanistan (assisting the Canadian Forces) ... thought I needed to give back to my adopted country just a little. I started out in the military after leaving school, many years ago, so thought it something I can do without actually having to shoot a rifle.

Anyway, keep safe out there. If any of y'all need an email buddy, then let me know. I totally support the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. You guys sure do put your lives on the line, and I admire your bravery.

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

FLTC
Sorry about how you felt. Honestly instead of giving you false hope was attempting to nudge you in the direction in becoming you own support system.

Where you are at it is easy to look at the dark side of everything. Conversations with other OIF vets and our Vietnam bros confirm this. It is something you really need to guard against. When the hopeless thoughts come switch channels. In your position you have enough crap to deal with.

When you get back you will not consider your accomplishments in Iraq as big as deal with others. Honestly things that were a big deal before and a big deal to others will not be a fly on an elephants butt for you. You will be able to concentrate on the real issues and cut through the BS to a degree never dreamed of.

You are (so am I) are your worst critic maybe with the exception of your W and my XW. Well screw that cause you have worked hard and done what you thought best for your family and country without running around chasing other females. Could you be better. Probably but who could not be better?


We wish to keep your spirits up. I avoided giving you specific advice on the wife since my situtation crashed and burned.

I honestly split my past. Pre and post deployment and how I think. Since you are working on yourself like crazy I believe this experience will cause you to do the same. You may be suprised on the changes 16 months from now. I believe it will be for the better reguardless of how your domestic life turns out.

What is the problem I believe is everyone has a vision of the future. When a M goes sour that vision is damaged or destroyed in my case and options were severly limited if I wished any contact with my D12. To reestablish a vision where you want to be and to create the interm plan with goals to get there is difficult at best. Many false starts and multiple pathways where what I want to do, the things I consider important, and the situations I tolorate have changed thus one has to try out different routes.

What used to give me self esteem now I could care less about.
What makes me happy now is different than before.
What I consider important is radically changed.
I consider it for the better.

The worst has not happened. Your W had the opportunity to D prior to deployment and did not. All of us who have responded truely hope your future marriage will be fullfilling for both of you and kids.

[catfan]

Hey buddy! I saw that you've posted a few times in the last few days. So I thought I'd let you know we all have been thinking and praying for you.

I've not posted as much, really deep into the dog days of this whole thing. Finally accepting that chances are less than 50-50 even when she says she's not pursuing divorce nor reconciliation. Her actions are saying she's pursuing a single lifestyle. I think for my own sanity I am going to have to let go even more than lovingly detaching. I allow myself to so easily be pulled back in by the simplest of gestures. I have those last vestiges of co-dependency that I need to snuff out. I'm also finally getting comfortable being on my own but still hate being alone.

Be safe my friend!

[FLTC]

Hi all,

I really am disappointed that I don’t have a chance to read all of your situations and reply. I only recognize a handful of you from last December. I can’t help wonder what happened to all those poor, broken, hurt souls.

Things chug along here in Iraq. The days are long, but the weeks are short. It’s really a great feeling to be part of history and be part of something bigger than myself, feelings about us being here aside. I have my own feelings about that, but we are all here to do a job and support other sons, daughters, dads, moms, etc.

I wrote W. and asked for S9’s camp address so that I could send him postcards so that he gets mail while he’s away from home. She send the address and actually ended it with “hope you’re OK”. Haven’t heard that since…….??? Oh yeah…never. Nothing to get worked up about.

Here’s a couple of questions:

1. She does not write me or send anything. Should I write to her and just share general information to try and keep any small line of communication open?
2. Should I ask to speak with her when I call the kids at home? She has never asked to speak to me? Des it show interest, weakness????? Who knows. It certainly doesn’t show classic pursuit. I hevn’t done any of that in months.
3. It almost gets to the point where I begin to turn my sadness into hate and utter frustration by her inability to ever have any kind of contact without almost always getting irritated over seemingly innocuous stuff.

I’d love to hear from you guys. I apologize for being “FLTC-Centric” these days, but I’m working to squeeze meals, sleep and an occasional shower into my 16 hour day!

Mark: I'm glad you can relate to my paralyzing anxiety over the stupidist sh*t. Her reaction to stuff was totally irrational. For years, she couldn't have cared about our lawn. One day, before we separated, she began to rant about how I never took any initiative for the brown spots on the lawn, among other things. Mind you, I mowed the lawn weekly, trimmed around the flower beds...etc, but couldn't seem to repair the brown spots. WHAT?????????

CatFan: You are still in the same place you were last year. Don't worry about the not wanting to reconcile right now. Concentrate on the NOT wanting to divorce part. This is a 1/2 full deal for you. Try not to get hung up on he "Scraps" of attention that she throws you. Let it roll off your back. Roger. Being alone sucks.

I could really use a beer(s)!!!!!

[catfan]

Hey FLTC, it's good to hear from you a bit more. Of course many of us old timers here think and pray for you and your men in Iraq. If anything just posting occasionally let's us know you are safe.

So I think you should at least once chat with her briefly and say something like you just wanted to say hello to her and leave it at that. Think micro baby steps here. Her comment shows there is some caring deep deep down inside her. Just foster it with a bit of positive, nice actions and words on your part. Just be very careful at first and make it nothing more than a "wanted to say hello."

Be safe my friend!

[BeingMe]

No, I don't think you should ask to speak to your W when calling the kids. I think give it a couple of more months and see if she says more than 'hope you're ok' (or words to that affect). Once you see a little more interest in your safety, and curiosity in what you do, then perhaps you can start by telling the kids to say 'hi' and a hug to mommy from you, and see if that gets anything going. If it does, then ask to speak to her for a couple of minutes - keeping it short at first, and talking about her life mostly.

Or, you could get things going by the odd, impersonal email. It's less intimate than a phone call, and she may feel 'safer' in communicating that way with you? Just a thought.

Just my opinion, but I think you should play this out slowly, trying to let her step closer first.

Keep ya head down out there!