I think you misunderstood me. I'm not implying that because the spouse is mentally ill, you just have to "take it" - quite the contrary, when a spouse is truly mentally ill, you may need to set very firm boundaries. BUT - what I see FIB doing is taking what she says PERSONALLY - as if she were a rational person who truly meant those things. That causes FIB a lot of pain. It's like a family member of an Alzheimer's patient taking it personally that they can't remember them, as if it were a willful act or a sign that they weren't important, rather than just the ravages of the disease.
If FIB can just step back and detach a little, he will see how sick his wife is (more than most WASs) and that her spew really isn't about him, but a manifestation of her illness. He may choose to "take it" or not, depending on the sitch, but he needs to be more detached and see it as a symptom of her illness. This is not the woman he loved rejecting him because he's "not enough". This is a sad, depressed, obsessive woman flailing around, trying to feel better by any means available, feeling an inchoate need to "escape" from her life, thinking that she'll feel better.
