I needed a short break. I don't intend to return with negativity, although, I hope not to go back there too often. I picked my title as a joke....it was a T-shirt I bought in Nov. 05 when we were in Disney World, pre-bomb. I hope to post more factually and try not to come across as bashing my W. Sadly, most of the facts ARE sad. My W's interactions toward me are becoming more hostile and negative. There truly isn't much positivity anymore. I will relate later, this mornings occurrence, which was typical of either me not thinking or trying to 'fix'....or....just spew. I can't tell anymore.
However I wish to post the following email from my friend, which crushed me. My buddy 'Rich'...lived a few blocks away from me growing up. Our neighborhood had a large community pool and our younger years were....well..halcyon days. Little League, swimming lessons, pool shows, 1 on 1 Nerfball and 'steamball' batting sessions, proms....etc. You get the picture....a lifelong friend. He was married before me, I would guess somewhere between 15-20 years. He has 3 kids and both of them are attys. They live up in Boston.
A week or so ago, my first GF from elementary school (no, no EA in the making)called me about our 30th reunion which is in early September. At that time, she told me that he was divorced as was another close friend from those days (trendy thing, ay?). I played phone tag with my buddy Rich for a few days, then received the following email from him, which crushed me. I think you can tell a little bit about the type of man he is. Sure..no one knows what goes on under the rooves of other people, but, it sounds like just another victim of this horrible process.
Originally Posted By: Rich
Oh Frank. I'm sick to my stomach for you. My story is very similar, right down to the working out to burn off the anger. I, too, never DREAMED that I would raise my kids in this kind of environment. It's humiliating and makes me feel like a failure. But most of all, I'm so sad for them. I would take a bullet for them. How can we put them through so much pain? I am now just about 2 years into it. And just like clockwork I am starting to come out of it. I'm finally secure that my relationship with my kids will stay intact. I no longer burn with despair on those Sunday afternoons when I am sitting at home a half a mile away from them when we could be bike riding, having a catch or just hanging out. I've stopped counting the number of nights when I have been denied the privilege of putting them to bed and hearing the mundane, stupid stories that make life rich. I think we're over the hump, but outside of getting diagnosed with a fatal disease, this is the worst thing I will ever experience. So, I'm off to catch a plane to DC. I have a meeting there tomorrow. I'm leaving early to get back for my 6 o'clock softball game (same old 'Rich'). Then moving on Wednesday, and through a quirk in our schedule, I've got the kids from Wed-Sunday so we will settle into the new place together. Just in time for a Court hearing with the former love of my life. I swear, I'm going to write a book about the female mid-life crisis. I'll call it: Women at midlife -- They All Go In-F@#$ing-Sane. If it's any consolation, I remember XXX as sweet and kind and you guys seemed very happy. Don't let her rewrite history. She has to try so she can justify the destruction she has wrought. But it's not real. Hang in there. I will call you soon.
Tearing up again. He must have suffered greatly. Apparently his W hooked up with her old high school BF....the details of which I still don't know. I want to put my arm around my buddy and talk. We exchanged another email....I'll probably head up to New England with the kids this fall.
I pray that some of you are having positive things in your sitch.
Strength and honor.
Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I swear, I'm going to write a book about the female mid-life crisis. I'll call it: Women at midlife -- They All Go In-F@#$ing-Sane.
LOL!!! FIB, tell him he HAS to write this book! It'll be a best seller for sure!
Meanwhile FIB - just keep this in mind when dealing with your wife's spew - she IS NOT WELL. More so than the typical WAW here, your wife has serious mental issues - with depression, eating disorder, etc. - that are driving her. You're still taking her behavior and words way too personally. When I read your thread I keep flashing back to my D telling me she hated me (in the middle of her eating disorder). It was SO clear that it was just her eating disorder speaking, I actually had to stifle a smile at the silliness of it all. (D and I have a great R, btw, then and now - it was just "Ed" that didn't like me!)
If it's any consolation, I remember XXX as sweet and kind and you guys seemed very happy. Don't let her rewrite history. She has to try so she can justify the destruction she has wrought. But it's not real.
Just wanted to point this out again as I think it bears repeating...
I don't know about anyone else on here, but it seems like I am seeing more and more of these type of stories, MLC spouses who just mentally and verbally abuse the LBS to no end. I also read post after post of people saying "don;t take it personnaly" "They aren't well" and so on and so forth. In saying this, I am not putting anyone down for giving that advice, but I have to ask; How much is enough? I cannot see any benefit in standing by letting someone treat you this way. I can say this from experience, for a year I took every kind of abuse from my XW, let her talk to me like a dog, say some of the meanest, cruelest, hurtful things that you can imagine. I decided a few weeks ago that I had spoken my last words to her ever after I took off to let her get the remainder of her things out of the house and she called me and cussed me out. Since then she has tried to call me several times and email me as well. She will talk forever into silence when it comes to me. For me the answer is simple, don't take the abuse, let her be mean to someone else. Life is too damn short to let someone be mean to you. Trust me, there are MUCH better people out there!
I think you misunderstood me. I'm not implying that because the spouse is mentally ill, you just have to "take it" - quite the contrary, when a spouse is truly mentally ill, you may need to set very firm boundaries. BUT - what I see FIB doing is taking what she says PERSONALLY - as if she were a rational person who truly meant those things. That causes FIB a lot of pain. It's like a family member of an Alzheimer's patient taking it personally that they can't remember them, as if it were a willful act or a sign that they weren't important, rather than just the ravages of the disease.
If FIB can just step back and detach a little, he will see how sick his wife is (more than most WASs) and that her spew really isn't about him, but a manifestation of her illness. He may choose to "take it" or not, depending on the sitch, but he needs to be more detached and see it as a symptom of her illness. This is not the woman he loved rejecting him because he's "not enough". This is a sad, depressed, obsessive woman flailing around, trying to feel better by any means available, feeling an inchoate need to "escape" from her life, thinking that she'll feel better.
Your way is not being frowned upon by me, BH or anyone that I know. I hope no one is making you feel this way. I understand Lissie. I went thru a period this week of thinking, I can't let him get away with this. He can't just rewrite history and me let it go.
Well, he can and I WILL let it go. Somehow I will continue to deal with the damage w/o involving him or even letting him know it existed. Your baby girl needed to cry and let it out. What would puff do if he knew....maybe nothing and then you'd be hurt and angry all over again. This way, you and the precious one deal with it and she loves you for letting her feel and not trashing her dad.
Mine have helped me understand this. They know what he did but they are going to love him anyway. My mother abused me terribly and still does...but I love her anyway. You just can't help it. I stay away from her but my feelings for her are natural...it is how we are designed by God. What if things were different....what a bigger mess, huh. I just have to deal with it.
I still learned to love and became a good mother w/o her love and help. In fact she has said mean things to my kids about me. That's when I put my foot down. I help her when I can and step out of the way when she is mean.
My children's father trashed me to my Dad about a month ago. He quietly put him in his place and diffused the situation. I will always respect my Father for handling things in his quiet manner. He has never trashed anyone. I have seen him get angry....he hopped a fence when he was in his mid-forties to stop a crazy baseball coach who threatened to hit some high school boys with a baseball bat during a fight at a high school baseball game. My Dad never raised his voice...but the guy knew if he raised that bat he had invited my Dad to have his way with him.
Mentally ill is not the proper word. Just being selfish is more like it. Stay your sweet self. The children will respect you more. They will see things for what they really are. My D understands. She says it hurts her when I say things against her dad. Keep taking it w/o blowing up. He knows what he has done...let God deal with it is His way...it's not our place too, I guess. I promise right now it is best. You and I were raised or learned to always do the right thing. We have been sorely tested recently, but we are passing the test.
