Almost Walked Away Wife

[imLIN]

Sandi...don't forget to post here and let us know how YOU are doing...thinking...acting...walking...

Helping others is only part of your journey now...you still need to post for yourself and keep active with your own situation here or you can get lost in others and....well...end up ignoring yours again...I guess this could become the "OM" if you let it...

You still need so much yourself to get through this...I was thinking about how you feel being in the same room with H and how you feel about even "thinking" about ML...I remember when my H came home he was quite the same way...he said when he would hug me inside he wanted to run...bolt...but he didn't because he had committed to working things out...eventually it started not being "so bad"...for many nights he couldn't sleep in the same bed...started out on the couch/living room floor...then eventually to a futon that was in my room for the kids to watch tv with me....to the end of the bed (no I am not kidding)...to finally next to me...but he hugged the edge of the bed like he was clinging to the edge of a cliff for dear life...eventually we started cuddling...and things progressed even though he still DID NOT LOVE ME....YET!...you see it took actions to bring back the love...or create a new love...I know it was hard for him...I know he didn't like it at first...now skip forward 18 months and he now rolls over to cuddle me...he kisses me in the morning when I leave for work...and sometimes when things are working for him he actually initiates ML now....

I am telling you this because I know it is so hard for you to imagine this for yourself...it is probably as hard to imagine for you as it is for the LBS's to imagine getting past all the "stuff" and for their S's to actually come to their senses...seeing the insanity sometimes is the most difficult thing to get past...

Also...baby steps start with movement...once you make the move...eventually the feelings will come...they won't magically appear...and remembering this and writing it really helped me put into perspective that "I" was not the only one struggling in our R/M...I can now see how hard it was for him to love me...at the time I was so absorbed in him "not loving" me that I couldn't see that...

I hope this helps you...maybe gives you some direction and hope...

But remember...you NEED to keep posting here...and don't worry about how long it is...just post!

[imLIN]

Oh Sandi...where are youuuuu?

[Reincarnated]

Sandi--
I am glad that you post--it is invaluable to get "inside" the WAS mind. Even when it is hard for us to hear.

I know that you are hurting. I can see that my H is hurting, too. He said it kills him to see me cry, knowing that he is doing that. And how much it hurts him that he couldn't "get the feelings back." He is also involved with another woman.

As a LBS, I don't want a return to the old M--it is dead, and was obviously disfunctional (at least to one of us). What I want is a chance to build a new R/M. I want to get to know my H on a deeper level than we ever did before. I want to be completely open, even about the scary stuff. I want to share in new experiences with him, some that I had always wanted to try, some from his list, that we didn't do or stopped doing because the other wasn't as interested.

The intimacy has to be built up, just like it did at the beginning of any R. Yes, I'd love to jump his bones, but he is simply not interested, and I have to handle that rejection. It would probably feel like sleeping with a sister right now. Ick.

I don't know how willing your H is to win your heart back--hopefully he recognizes how dire the sitch is, and like most of us LBS, would be willing to stand on our heads or walk across burning coals to prove ourselves worthy of a second chance. If he is in this state, let your needs be known, and he will fall all over himself to meet them. Just be open to his expressions; they are not done simply as manipulation.

Hang in--and listen with your head as well as your heart, for you, and your family.

[Confident_Me]

Hi

Just came across your thread today & thought this might encourage you in some small way (you might have to change the "wording/perspective" to suit your own circumstances)

How does a returned prodigal spouse get over the other person? Bob tackles that question in his Tuesday's prodigal perspective.
- - - - -

GETTING OVER THE OTHER PERSON -

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

Each morning, when our day starts, waiting for us is a automated list of people who have subscribed and who have unsubscribed to Charlyne Cares in the past 24 hours. Since these daily messages go to thousands of people, we are able to follow trends in subscriber activity. We can always tell when Charlyne has hit a home run, because new subscribers for that day have gone way up, as a reader tells other standers about the message, and they in turn also subscribe.

Know what is always surprising to us? When people do not read what they want to read, they unsubscribe. Regardless of what is true, nor of what they need to know, if ears are not tickled, for some people, they unsubscribe.

"The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out." Proverbs 18:15

As an aside, what day do you suspect receives the most unsubscribes? Would it be Tuesdays, when I share? How about Sundays, when Charlyne is evangelistic, or Mondays, when we use a guest devotional?

Actually more people unsubscribe after reading Saturday Testimonies than on any other day. Most of these people re-subscribe later on, but each week a few folk get so upset over God doing things for others people, they hit the unsubscribe button.

This is distressing, not only because we are losing a subscriber, but more importantly, someone is sending a message they are not ready for restoration. If they can't rejoice with God blessing a fellow stander, how do they expect to function in the ups and downs during the early days of having a spouse back home?

I pray that our subscriber list does not decrease today, but early Saturday morning God gave me a word to share with standers. I must obey Him, not simply write what pleases people.

This past week we received a panic email that was not unlike the wording of many we receive. Their spouse was on the way home, right then, and they did not know what to do next. Charlyne and I share on this topic in books, in audio teachings, and here in Charlyne Cares, but some people are so focus on their current problems they can not prepare for restoration, and are shocked when it happens. My goal today is to wake you up to one of the major stumbling blocks to the healthy restoration of a marriage relationship, after God brings the prodigal home.

How does a returned prodigal get over the other person? You, as a person standing with God for His restoration of your home, can make or break the restoration process, depending on how you deal with the other person issue.

Let's start with the facts. You may not like them, and you may not agree, but once you have walked the walk, with your spouse, away from the other person, your AMEN will come.

* Getting over the other person takes time. Your spouse must go through a grief process, measured not in days or weeks, but possibly one or two years. Yes, a grief process, just as if someone had died. Until you can allow your spouse to grieve the other relationship, you are not ready for restoration, because, quite frankly, it will not work otherwise.

* Regardless of what they say, most prodigal spouses have another person. Please be prepared for the day when that is revealed to you about your prodigal.

* Your prodigal cannot tell the difference between love and lust.

* Most prodigal relationships become sexual at some point, regardless of what message is being passed to home.

* Your prodigal does have feelings for the other person. After they come home, they will sense a tremendous obligation to the other person.

* The other person is there, even after your mate’s homecoming.
After restoration, you can not stuff that individual in a closet and expect them to evaporate.

* The other person is a sinner for whom Jesus died. Are you praying for their salvation now? Will you, personally, continue to pray for their salvation after your prodigal spouse is home?

* Your returned prodigal will bring home reminders of that other relationship. I have written about how long I had a photo of the other woman behind the visor in my van. One day God told me that photo had to go.

* Your returned prodigal may attempt to justify their sin.

* Eventually, your returned prodigal will probably need to talk to someone about the other person. It may be a counselor or pastor, it could be you, or it could be the other person! That is when trouble starts all over again.

Are you still with me? No unsubscribes yet? It only gets better from here.

Someone is thinking, "So why try?" Because God has called you to stand, both before and after restoration. Both periods are the identical spiritual battle, but if God has called you to it, He will provide the help from on high that you need.

"Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." I Peter 5:9-11

The chain of events in too many marriages where the spouse has come home is as follows: (1) God uses circumstances to drive (yes, drive) the prodigal home. (2) The stander adopts an "I have arrived" attitude and slacks off on praying protection on their returned spouse. (3) The front door of that home is then opened for Satan to come in once again. (4) The other person re-enters the picture. (5) The returned prodigal leaves for the far country, once again, leaving the stander asking, "What happened?" What happened is that the Enemy, always on the prowl, discovered an entry, be it ever so small, and being intent on destroying your marriage, has attacked once again.

We have been remarried for over 20 years after our divorce, and neither I nor Charlyne feel that we have arrived. God's restoration is an ongoing process, even to this day. Neither of us feel we are immune from Satan's attacks. I may be a lot wiser, but I am as susceptible to Satan's attacks as I was on the day we remarried.

What does "susceptible to" mean? The dictionary gives the meaning as, "capable of." Do you get it? Since I am still capable of sin, where another person is involved, Charlyne prays and fasts more today, for me, for all our family and for all standers, than she was doing when we remarried.

So what is the bottom line for getting over the other person? For the stander, it is never stopping praying, putting the armor of God on your returned spouse, and on every family member. Today, tomorrow, and forever. It will take time for your returned prodigal to get over that person. When I first returned, everything I saw, read, and did reminded me of the other woman. Gradually, with Charlyne's prayers, and with time, those intense grief emotions began to subside.

For the prodigal, it means NO contact with the person you are attempting to get over. If there is a non-covenant child involved, ask God to show you how to work out no contact, but cannot visit where you used to live in sin, sitting around with the other person, under the guise of visiting your non-covenant child. If you do, you are dropping a lighted match into a gas can.

My prodigal friend, if you will have no contact for six months, you will be over that other person and ready to love your spouse in a new way. This may mean finding a new way to work, or even finding new work, but it must be done.

To both stander and prodigal, if you are serious about getting over the other person, and not looking for loopholes, you each have two great allies. Foremost, is the Holy Spirit of God. If you are praying, and asking God's help, He will make possible avenues that you and I can not even imagine. Your second ally is time. The returned prodigal's drumbeat can be, "With God's help, in every way, and every day, I am getting better and better."

The spiritual war for your marriage is a winnable war. One of the largest weapons the Enemy uses to keep things disrupted is that third person. You, and your spouse, can have victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." I Corinthians 10:12-13

Blessings,
Bob Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.®
Post Office Box 10548
Pompano Beach, FL 33061 USA
http://rejoiceministries.org
http://rejoiceministries.org/store.html (Bookstore)

PS - If you are a prodigal spouse, I have a challenge for you. I wrote about six months with no contact with the other person. Does that seem too long? How about five months? Can you have no contact for five months? If so, you will be over that person. This means that over Labor Day, all this fall, Thanksgiving and Christmas, you do not communicate with the other person at all, by phone, by email, in person, by card, nor by carrier pigeon. If you can do that, you can wake up five months from now, on New Year's day, with the other person being only a distant memory, instead of a haunting memory, as they now are. I know how difficult that sounds, but it has to be, for the sake of your family.

- - - - -

"WE WILL REMEMBER" -

On July 9, our children and their families, along with our Rejoice Pompano family, and out of town guests, surprised us with a wedding reception, celebrating 20 years of remarriage after our divorce. Highlights of that evening have been placed on a 48 minute CD for you, including comments from Lori Steinkamp Lassen, from both Bob and Charlyne, and from another restored couple. This CD is a "must have" for your collection of stander's material. Twenty years remarried out of 40 years of marriage is a milestone you will enjoy hearing about.

[AmyC]

Sandi: I don't know what's going on with you but I'm going to assume the worst because I know this battle so well.
If it is nothing like what I am about to write, good.
Praise the Lord.
But if I'm anywhere close to being right, listen up:

I think you are talking with om again but I am not here to condemn you.
Quite the contrary, in fact.
I understand the pull the fantasy has on you and I know the weight of shame, too.

If it is your choice to play with fire, you damn well know the consequences.
They are many and I can personally assure you this is not worth any of them.

The grace of God can pull you out of many pits but willful sin is one you've got to start climbing out of all by yourself.

I can offer you my hand but I can not make you grab it.



I wish you well,
AmyC

[sandi2]

Hi AmyC,

Well, good news...I have not backslid! On the contrary, I'll get into that in a bit. I can understand why you would think I must have contacted the OM because I haven't been on here in a couple of days or more...can't remember exactly that last post, but what happen was that I had a very serious flare up with my Fibromyalgia. In fact it was the worst I have ever been and my H was wanting to take me to the ER. Anyway, I am back up on my feet and have went to work the past two days. However, I was so behind that I had to bring some work home to catch up here at night and it cut into my "board time". I just got back from Wednesday night church meeting and am so wound up until now I can't sleep! (lol) So, I thought I would check to see if I had any messages.

I am still learning my way around this board, and I forget how to do certain things, but I'm glad I found your message. Thought I was the one not hearing from you! (lol) But, God love you...thank you so much for being concerned about me.

Amy, I have seen God's mercy and grace at work in my life the past couple of weeks...and especially this week...until I'm about to explode with thanksgiving and encouragement. Now, I know that I am going to be free. I'm not saying that I won't ever be tempted again...I think I have learned never to think we won't be tempted in certain areas of life...because we set ouselves up for failure. But, I am feeling the prayers of the people that care...really care...and the strength of the Lord in me tonight and it feels so good because it has been so long.

I told my mother the other day when I was in so much pain that I deserved to suffer much worse than what I was going through. She said, "I thought you said that you had confessed your sins to the Lord and He had forgiven you". I told her that I had and then she so sweetly told me that I was having a hard time forgiving myself and that I was going to have to do that before I could move forward...spiritually or any other way. She is right. It is the hardest thing to forgive myself and I don't think I have completely done that yet...but I'm trying to work on it.

The good news is that I can see progess in my MR and even though we have not gotten to the intimacy part yet, we are slowly, but steadly, healing. My H really is a great man. To some he may appear kind of plain, or boring, or even a little "simple"....but he isn't...he is a wonderful person. I have always known that, but I chose not to see it. I just wanted to see his bad side so I would feel justified with my bad choices. But, we are talking like....you know, it's getting back to what was "normal" before all this mess happened. I didn't think we would be at this point a few weeks ago.

You guys are the best! I was beginning to feel a little guilty for spending so much time reading people's posts every night and knew I needed to spend some time with my H. So, I have tried to do that this week also.

But, girl, keep checking in with me and challenging me, because what you said about the pull of the fantasy...is so true. That is why I broke down and told you all about my weakness with that since as far back as pre-teen years. So, yes, that is the area that the devil attacks me the hardest.

Tonight at church, due to some things that happened, I felt like the Lord was letting me know that He was going to use me again in His work. Even though I feel so unworthy and like....you know....ashamed, etc., some things just happened to let me know He was giving me another chance. So, pray that I don't screw this up and will keep climbing out of that pit.

I love you for being frank with me and the fact that you noticed I hadn't been on here and was concerned. You do understand! Completely! I was checking under my "stuff" but I didn't see you message under I went under the formum...anyway, like I said, I'm still learning how to do this.

How are you doing after the ordeal with your FIL? Is things with the kids and H any better?

Let me hear from you. I have missed you too.

Love,

Sandi2

[Not Much Left]

Hi Sandi, good to have you back!

[sandi2]

Thank you so much for that informative piece you sent me. I am actually looking forward to Christmas holidays this year because that will be my 6 month stop. I will make it...I am resolved, with God's strength to do it. I know and understand from personal experience about the grieving process. Every night I went to bed and sobbed for the OM. That is....the fantasy OM I had made him out to be in my own mind. Some great people on this board caused me to see him in a different light. Until I could face that truth, it would hurt my feelings for anyone to say something negative about him. After all, he was my Knight in shining armour. So, I am looking at the day after day...untill that 6 months has gone by. However, I am hoping that our restoration will come more quickly than even that. My H has been understanding about the "grieving process" and he doesn't ask questions, but he just quietly and patiently gives me time to get through it. At least, now, I'm not crying for the OM and "dreaming" about him all the time, so I think that is progress. But, I realize that I am still fragile and that by tomorrow the devil could have me in a tale-spin again. Hopefully, I will know what to look for and be wiser and stronger and will kick him (the enemy) out of my way and proceed with my life that God has designed for me.

Thank you again, and please feel free to send me copies of any of that could information. I read every word of it. It was great.

[sandi2]

Thank you Donna, yes my H would do anything to win back my "feelings" again. He did all the wrong things at first and it was driving me nuts and almost out the door. But now, he has backed off and giving me space and time to get through some personal stuff on my own. We are beginning to talk...not about the MR, but just like we use to do...which is a good sign right now. As one great person, that I admire on the board, told me to go with the actions and the feelings will eventually follow. I believe that...it's just that naturally I want it the easy way. But, it will happen. My H and I feel in love when I was only 16 and we have a lot of years together (history and memories) and we have one great thing in common...our faith. We are going to make it. I am working hard....reading lots of books and especiall the posts on here....and it's working. I appeciate your comments and please come by again.

[sandi2]

Hey, I'm here. I guess it has been about 4 days since I posted. I had a terrible flare up with my Fibromyalgia and thought it was going to put me in the hospital. But, lived in spite...lol. Anyway, you can read what I posted to AmyC to kind of catch up. It is nearly midnight and I've got to get an early start in the morning.

But, I'm doing great in all the other stuff. No contact with the OM! Have been getting on with the Lord in a real good way! Things with H is getting back to normal! (No sex, but hey, it will eventually get there, if we still remember how to do it...lol)

It has been a good week in spite of the terrible pain I experience over the weekend. I am getting through the "grieving process" with OM a lot better after accepting the fact of what the "real" person was verses the fantasy person I had created. You will never know how much you and AmyC have helped me to get my eyes open to this! When my mother tried to tell me the same things you all did...it just hurt my feelings. However, I listen to you guys and really took it to heart. As I told AmyC in the other post, I have had an incredible night at church and am so hyped...lol...I can't sleep. But, I have got to stop and go to bed. I will talk later as soon as I can.

Thanks for caring. I have felt the prayers...and they are working!

Love,

Sandi2